


New Hampshire Rewrite

by OxfordPictionary



Series: Hampshire-verse Rewrite [1]
Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: F/M, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Grief/Mourning, Humor, Hurt/Comfort, Interracial Relationship, Latino Character, Panic Attacks, Past Sexual Assault, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sexual Assault, Tragedy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-28
Updated: 2020-09-29
Packaged: 2021-03-07 18:40:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 7
Words: 51,356
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26692327
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OxfordPictionary/pseuds/OxfordPictionary
Summary: Fic originally published on Fanfiction.netThis fic follows Agent New Hampshire as she crawls her way to recovery after the crash of Project Freelancer. And just when she thinks she's getting better she's pulled into the war of Chorus by a group of Mercenaries she'd rather not argue with.Rewrite of an old fic because what I wrote when I was a teenager is comical at best
Relationships: Agent Carolina/Agent York (Red vs. Blue), Agent North Dakota (Red vs. Blue)/Original Female Character(s), Agent Texas | Allison/Original Male Character(s), Agent Washington (Red vs. Blue)/Original Female Character(s), Felix | Isaac Gates/Original Character(s), The Director | Dr. Leonard Church/Agent Texas | Allison
Series: Hampshire-verse Rewrite [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1960687
Kudos: 4





	1. Chapter 1

**_Several Years Ago..._ **

Main POV

Beads of sweat dripped down the back of my neck and slid down my under armour suit, making me flinch forward. I'd never really gotten over what happened all those years ago, even the slightest touch was too much. The sun burned through my cracked and fading armour, hot sand blowing through the air vents in the suit and scraping across my skin. I looked up at the sun that never seemed to set and put my rifle on my back. This was it, I could finally go looking for them.

"This is you, then?" a male voice jolted me from my internal monologue.

"CT," I greeted.

"What, didn't you hear me coming?" he chuckled. "You're slipping in your old age."

"Who are you calling old?" I laughed. "I'm only twenty six."

"And yet I could sneak up on you so easily," he teased. "Maybe you should think about retiring."

"You know I can't," I sighed. "They're my family. I have to find them."

"I know, I just think after everything you've been through, do you really wanna go and dig all of that back up?"

"If he's still out there, then it's worth it. Wouldn't you do the same?" I asked.

"If it was Connie? Yeah," he sighed. "Then let's get you loaded up."

I followed him back up the dune and over the other side, watching some of the other guys load my crate up onto the warthog with the rest of my duffel bags full of stuff. I pulled my helmet off and dropped it down onto the passenger side seat. Opening my arms, I invited CT in for a hug, this would likely be the last time I ever saw him. He had plans to give all this up, go home and I wanted to join but, I had to go and find them. CT was right, after everything I'd been through I needed that. To find them. There I would find peace.

"See you later old woman," CT chuckled. As usual, I was the group's youngest. I'd miss these guys, but not as much as I missed my team.

"See you round, CT," I waved goodbye.

* * *

**_Present Day..._ **

Tucker POV

The Valhalla sun burned through my skin as I sunbaked on the roof of the base. I was bored. Not bored enough, or brave enough even, to hang downstairs with Caboose nor was I about to go and find Wash. That guy was too cranky for his own good. He couldn't have always been like that, could he? Church was right, Project Freelancer did ruin everyone who ever joined. It couldn't all be Wash's fault, no, though he had a generally withered and brash demeanour, most of his bad attitude now was down to Caboose keeping him up all night.

_ 'Bow chicka bow wow~' _

Caboose, like most of us over at Blue base, was missing Church. But unlike the rest of us he had no shame in admitting how needy he was. Wash and myself kept the angst internal like  _ real _ men. I was just glad he didn't come to me anymore when he woke up in the night crying because he missed his friend. I had the nightmares too sometimes, of all the things we'd seen. Caboose was too...  _ different. _ . to really understand though. And when he barrelled down the hallway in his Donald Duck pyjamas at 3 in the morning and hammered on Wash's door the ex-freelancer just couldn't turn him away.

Caboose's constant whining and wailing and non stop crying out in his sleep had driven Wash to almost breaking point. Poor Wash had more patience with him than anyone before, but this was just the tip of the iceberg. I could feel it, things were calm, too calm. Something was coming. A storm. More trouble. We'd never caught a break before, why start now? I rolled over so the sun wasn't burning through my skin anymore and pushed myself up off the ground and into a sitting position, concrete scalding my bare hands and right through my blue jeans. I wiped the sweat from my eyes and decided if the nights were going to be sleepless, I'd might as well catch some shut eye now. We had an old, disused warthog I could curl up in the back of. Just the right amount of shade too.

It would still be a few hours before the nightly poker game with the Reds. We'd been on good terms with them lately, not good enough to go over during the day while they were training or building something though. Better chances when you went over at night. I was enjoying just sitting in the sun until Wash broke the peaceful silence by clearing his throat. He walked over and sat beside me also in civvies. He wore the same tired look, worn face and sunken eyes. His blonde, spiky hair and almost permanent 5 o'clock shadow shone in the sunlight.

"What do you want, Wash?" I sighed.

"The pink guy from Red base heard about our trouble with Caboose and wanted to help, then the Grif invited us over for a beer," he told me, cutting right to the chase.

"..Yeah, I wouldn't trust Donut's help.." I told him. He shuddered.

"I learned my lesson the first time."

I never ended up moving to the warthog for a nap. Wash and I stayed up on the base roof, legs dangling over the edge and soaking up the vitamin D in complete silence. At least until the evening set in and Caboose bounced up the ramp to tell us he was hungry. A few ration packs later we were wandering over the grass to Red base for whatever "therapy" Donut and Doc had cooked up.

Simmons was waiting at the door to welcome us in and lead us through to the rec-room we'd been to hundreds of nights before. Sarge and Grif were sitting opposite ends of the same sofa exchanging sarcastic remarks as was customary for them during down time. Donut handed Wash and myself a beer and we went over to the sitting area while we waited for Doc to give up for the night. I looked over at the round table and saw a pile of crayons and old paperwork. So, today we were doing art therapy were we? Really Caboose was just happy with orange juice and crayons. And everyone was happy that he wasn't accidentally burning down either of their bases. Maybe the therapy was a success after all.

* * *

Main POV

When an abandoned Red and Blue base came up on the nav panel I was NOT expecting it to be occupied by, you guessed it, Reds and Blues! I grumbled to myself as I crawled across my belly through the dirt and the grass still warm from the daytime. I finally made it to the Base's front entrance and I leaned up against the concrete wall, pulling my knees up to my chest as I checked what ammunition I had in my handgun. Clicking off the safety, I took a deep breath. Here we go.

I ducked past several doorways and headed till I found the room with the most noise, see if I couldn't scope out numbers. Poking my head around the doorway every so slightly I almost scoffed. Raising a brow at the sight before me I took a step back and leaned up against the wall.

_ 'What the fuck?' _

"Did you hear something?" a familiar male voice asked.

_ 'Oh shit,'  _ I realised if someone was asking that question I'd essentially been caught. Pushing off from the wall I hurried back down the hallway and ducked down into the first connecting corridor I found. I leaned up against the wall and took a deep breath, preparing myself for oncoming search parties. Though the soldiers in the rec-room might have been in civvies, the others in the base might not have been. If there were others. But for my personal safety, I had to assume there were.

I heard the sound of careful, fast moving footsteps up ahead. Only one. Why only one? I readied myself with my gun and waited for him to find me. Bursting round the corner in nothing but blue jeans and a grey t-shirt, a blond, spiky haired and very familiar looking soldier pointed a standard issue handgun at me. I raised a brow, though with my helmet on he wouldn't have been able to see it.

"Who are you?" he demanded.

"How many soldiers occupy this base?" I replied.

"None of your business," he responded. "Who are you?"

"None of your business," I smirked. "Now, David Stone, tell me how many other people occupy this base."

"How the hell did you.." he growled out. "Alright, who are you and what do you want, you have five seconds to tell me before I shoot."

"You're gonna take more damage than me, you sure you wanna play it that way, Wash?" I grinned.

"I like my chances, how many of you are there?" he replied.

"Just me," I chuckled. "Am I right in assuming that all the occupants of that room back there is everyone?"

"You can assume it but that would be.."

"Incredibly dangerous, yeah I know," I rolled my eyes. He said the same thing we all had drilled into us back at the project. "So tell me, Wash, when did you ditch Project Freelancer to consort with, whoever those guys are?"

"You don't know anything about them, do you? Which means you weren't sent here for them, so why are you here?" he asked.

"I wasn't sent here by anyone," I clicked the safety back on my pistol and strapped it to my thigh. I reached up for my helmet and clicked the safety release, twisting it slightly before tugging it off my head. Blonde hair spilled out over my face and shoulders. It had been years since my last haircut and I was all out of hair ties. Still, if he knew me as well as he said he did back then, then he'd know who I was.

"Newbie? Is that you?"

"Sure is kiddo," I smirked.

"I'm older than you!" he threw his hands out and I chuckled.

"And yet you're still so easy to rile," I replied. "How come you're hiding out here? When I read through the files to try and find everyone, you were supposed to be dead, I wasn't expecting of all the people to have faked their death..."

"And what about you, the Director told us you never made it to that drilling plant," he said. I smirked. I knew that old bastard wanted rid of me, but the ship exploding while I was on my way, that was a little extreme.

"Hey, who are you?" a chubby, shaggy haired Hawaiian guy padded round the corner, barefoot and holding a beer.

"Who are you?" I replied.

"I asked you first," he blew a raspberry at me.

"Grif, head back inside, this is an old  _ acquaintance  _ of mine," Wash told him. I was hurt at his word choice, he didn't trust me. Though if he thought I was dead for all these years I couldn't exactly blame him.

"Are they all Reds and Blues?" I asked when the fat guy left.

"Yeah," Wash nodded. "But they're alright."

"Aren't they supposed to be fighting, no wait, didn't we shut down the Red and Blue program?" I asked.

"Years ago," Wash confirmed. "These guys are different. Listen, why don't you go back to Blue base, that's where I live, and get cleaned up. We'll talk about this later when we've got more privacy."

"Alright," I nodded softly. I started heading for the base door when I stopped and turned back to the retreating figure. "David?"

"Yeah?" he asked, turning around.

"I missed you."

"Yeah, me too."

I leaned back against the cool wall of the shower, hot water cascading over my skin and lighting it up a burned red colour. It felt so good to have a real shower, have real soap. It might have been regulation and supplied by the military but fuck it, it was real. I was clean again for the first time in forever. I let the hot water soak through my hair and conditioner slowly roll out in beads down my back. I ran my hands through the now very soft strands. It had been a few years since I'd set out from the desert base with the Sand Fleas and I'd not found a single one of my team members, until now. Why now? Why Wash? Was this a trap? Was Wash a bad guy now, like CT had warned me about? I'd have to be careful, any one of those guys could try and kill me at any moment.

I reluctantly turned the water off and rested my forehead against the icy tiles. I took a deep breath and pushed off the wall, stepping out of the shower and grabbing the regulation white towel. I wrapped it around myself and pulled on some underwear. I had no idea why this base had a bathtub but I was pretty grateful. I squatted by the edge and stared down at my soaking armour and swished the soapy bubbles around with my hand.

I rose to my feet and folded my towel in half and rested it on the counter top. One by one I rinsed off my armour pieces and dropped them down to dry on the towel. Eventually I drained the now black bath water and picked my helmet up from the bench where I'd left it to sit. With a damp cloth I gently and carefully wiped the fragile piece of technology clean. The control centre for the rest of the armour was kept there, you don't seal your helmet right when you take an under water expedition, and you'd be in darkness. And also probably dead because when the water get's in, you drown. The battery pack for the armour though, was on the back under the let shoulder plate. Most common place to get shot that, wonder if that's why...

Once my armour was clean and left to dry I made my way through to the locker room next door and pulled out my civvies I'd taken from the duffle I'd left on the warthog. Pulling on some jeans and socks I then sat down to pull on my shoes. It felt weird to be dressed like this again. I felt so exposed. I tugged on my t-shirt and then jacket, my wet hair soaked through the light grey fabric as I'd made no attempt to dry it. I rolled my shoulders back as I took another deep breath. I was okay. Everything was okay.

I tucked my handgun into the back of my pants but leaving the assault rifle where it lay as I couldn't exactly take it with me. It didn't exactly scream trust me, and I also didn't have a place to attach it to my person now I wasn't in my armour. I walked to the door of the locker room and pulled it open, stepping into the barren hallway. It was reasonably dark now, the only source of light was the glowing blue strips along the corridor walls at foot height, illuminating only the floor.

I opened and closed my hands, stretching out my fingers and palms in an attempt to calm myself down. As usual I was too on edge. I needed to calm down. I just needed to calm down or if anyone did try to attack me, I wouldn't be able to fight them off. Deep breaths. Deep breaths. Deep breaths. I repeated my mantra of 'You're okay' and 'Stay calm' in my head over and over as I walked through the halls to the base door. I'd head back to the Red base now and find Wash. He knew how to deal with my panic attacks, even if he may try to murder me later.

There was a swooshing sound to my right and before I could turn to see what is was, I was pressed up against the base wall, forearm pressed up against my throat and lifted slightly off the ground. I let out as a scream as I was thrown into the concrete only for it to be cut off as I was choked. My toes barely brushed aginst the ground as I dangled. I clawed at the arm pressed over my windpipe as tears pricked at the sides of my eyes. I managed to pull the arm away from my throat long enough to scream out at top volume for Wash.

"It is Wash," my attacker told me. I threw my head back against the wall and kicked my legs out, fighting out against the pressure on my neck.

"No," I choked. "Please don't. I c-can't... I c-can't.. breathe..." I gasped out, barely able to get anything out. Mind you, if I was being choked, I don't know why I thought telling that person I couldn't breath was going to do anything. This could just be another nightmare. Wash was my friend. He wouldn't try to kill me.

The arm against my windpipe relented just a bit. I was lowered to the ground and pinned to the wall. I didn't have any strength left, I could barely stand on my own. Wash got close, close enough I could see his face. His eyes were sunken in from fatigue, he'd started to get laugh lines and light crows feet around his eyes. It was undoubtedly Wash though. He was was older, too, than I usually imagined him as. This wasn't a dream.

"Please," I begged, voice breaking, tears actually falling from my eyes. He knew what I'd been through. Why did he had to kill me like this, he could have just shot me in the back of the head and I'd never know what happened. "Not like this, I don't wanna see you do it."

"What?" he recoiled, almost pulling back completely. "Do what?"

"If you're gonna kill me," I told him. "After everything that's happened to me, if you have to kill me, I don't wanna see you do it. Not you, I can't look you in the eye and let you kill me. I love you."

"I'm not going to... you love me?" he paused. "Of course, you said I was like a brother to you. Look, you've been supposedly dead for years, I'm going to need a little something to go on if I'm supposed to believe you're not going to kill us all in our sleep or drag me off because of fucking Project Freelancer."

"I just want to go home," I told him. "But I can't do it until I find my friends. Almost everyone is dead, but, if you're here, then maybe everyone else is just..."

"They're not faking it," he replied. "North, York, Maine, Wyoming, CT, Tex, South, all dead."

"And Carolina?" I asked.

"She.. Y-you were there for.." Wash stuttered.

"She's not, is she?" I asked. "She was the first of us, besides CT and she's not really dead?"

"No," Wash sighed. "She always had her grappling hook, remember? She faked her death."

"Wyoming and Maine's files don't say they're dead," I told Wash.

"They must be old copies," Wash assured me. "Trust me, I saw them die myself."

"Considering you have your elbow over my wind pipe, forgive me if I don't trust you as much as I used to," I bit back. He dropped his arm.

"I needed to make sure you weren't going to kill me, you weren't possessed by some psycho AI or something," he told me.

"What convinced you otherwise?" I asked.

"I'm still not 100% but the way you still flinch away, it's been years but you're still affected by it, aren't you?" Wash told me. "If an AI or two had taken you over, they weren't there, they didn't see all that. They wouldn't know how to act that out."

"Gee, I sure am glad my PTSD could come in handy," I said sarcastically and he rolled his eyes.

"I need you to tell me everything," he told me. "If you're going to stay here, if I'm going to trust you around my friends."

"I need you to tell me everything, so I can go and find mine," I replied.

"I told you they're all dead," Wash grumbled.

"And I don't fucking believe you," I replied, shoving him the rest of the way off of me and storming down the rest of the hallway.

"Newbie! Newbs, wait!" Wash called after me. I could head jogging behind me before he grabbed me. I was turned back towards him before I stumbled, sneakers squeaking across the polished concrete floors and I hit the wall. Wash held me tightly, making sure I didn't fall the rest of the way before he slowly leaned back, setting us both steady on our feet.

"Come to the roof," he blurted out.

"Why, so you can shove me off it?" I growled.

"No," he replied. "So you can see the view."

Tucker POV

"Yo," Grif said as we sat awkwardly in the Red's rec-room. "You think they're coming back?"

"I think they were wayyyyy more than acquaintances," Simmons said. "That's for sure."

"You think they're banging?" I asked.

"Nah, they're probaly off arguing or something," Grif said. "Me and Josi, there was never any reunion sex, no hot, angry sex. Always arguments."

"Yeah," Simmons sighed. "I miss Private Sharp."

"Dude why don't you just fucking call her Emily, it's like you don't even.." Grif started.

"I will chose how I greave over my own fucking girlfriend, you fat sack of dicks!" Simmons screamed.

"Sorry," the Hawaiian stuttered out. Simmons didn't usually have random outbursts of rage, but on a rare occasion, if Emily came up, he'd lose it. He'd just fucking lose it. I could never work out who had it worse. Simmons lost Emily in the fight while she was with the good guys, Grif's lived long enough to become a bad guy. And then he never saw her again.

* * *

Main POV

"This is a pretty nice view."

Wash and I had been staring up at the dark sky littered with white dots off in the distance, the occasional pink splatter across the scape. I remembered when we were kids, how fascinated we were with the stars. I didn't even know, when we met again that it was him, not for a while at least. But the stars, we'd always loved them. I wanted to be amongst them. Before my dad died, I was gonna go explore space. Instead, I ended up fighting in it.

"You remember when we were kids and we used to have sleepovers just to watch the stars?" Wash asked.

_ My dad's bike slowed to a stop outside the familiar two story on New Alexandria. It was a better neighbourhood, the street was filled with nice houses, large backyards and short, white picket fences or no barriers at all. The people here, they were relaxed. It was a stark contrast to the shitty apartments I'd grown up in. Though with the job offer my dad had just taken, I was hoping the apartments would get less shitty from now on. And then David could come over.  _

_ Dad swung his leg over the bike and climbed off first, helping me off after him, despite the fact at 10 years old I was more than capable of standing on my own two feet.  _

_ "Behave yourself, okay?" he leaned squatted down in front of me, tying my untied shoe and then looking up at me. I nodded in conformation.  _

_ "I will," I told him. He stood and ruffled my hair.  _

_ "See you tomorrow at 2," he climbed back on the bike, helmet resting on his lap while he waited for me to walk up to the front door and get invited inside. "I love you," he called. I smiled softly.  _

_ "Love you too Daddy," I replied, ringing the doorbell. I didn't look back when Mrs. Stone opened the door and let me inside. If I did, I probably wouldn't have gone inside. Instead the heartbroken look on my dad's face would have made me run back to the bike before the door had even started to close. We'd had an argument earlier. About David, about sleepovers I was getting too old for. I was 10, I just wanted to have sleepovers with my best friend, just like everyone else.  _

_ I tugged on the straps of my backpack as I headed straight up the stairs to David's room. He was sitting at his desk when I found him, going over all his books on the constellations for this sector of space. I dropped my bag on the floor by the door and walked over to the bed, leaping up and landing on it with a bounce. I looked over to David, who hadn't looked up since I got here. _

_ "Nerd," I chuckled. _

_ "You came over here specifically to watch a meteor shower, who's the nerd now?" he responded, finally acknowledging my presence.  _

_ "Still you," I said with a wry smile. "You're the one who came up with the idea and invited me." _

_ "About that..." he turned around in his desk chair to look at me with a guilty facial expression. "There's something I've got to tell you." _

_ "Did you get the wrong date?" I asked preemptively. He was usually pretty bad for that. It would mean apologising to my dad and begging for him to let me have one more 'one last sleepover'.  _

_ "No, this isn't about the meteor shower," he shook his head. "Look, I invited you over so we could have one last sleepover before I move." _

_ "You're moving house?" I asked, lifting my foot up to my chest and yanking off my shoe.  _

_ "More like planet," he resounded and I dropped the shoe I'd been holding.  _

_ "You're moving planet, seriously?" I looked at him, my heart broke. "What am I going to do without you?" The sleepovers would be hard enough to deal with, losing him forever was too much. He was my best friend.  _

_ "I'm sorry." _

"Yeah," I replied, sipping the beer he'd given me. "I remember."

"I wish we'd had more time back then, before all this shit happened."

"You remember when we met?" I asked.

"Which time," he laughed.

"They were both pretty good," I smiled. I was always a pretty spunky kid.

_ "Hey."  _

_ I stared down at the boy sitting in the dirt in front of me. He was curled up in a ball, knees up to his chest and head resting on them. He was quietly sobbing by himself, miles away from everyone else in the yard. I poked him. He ignored me.  _

_ "Hey!" I yelled, poking him harder. He looked up at me, tears sliding down his bright red face. His eyes were puffy and swollen. He was really upset. This was serious. I sat down beside him, crossing my legs meditation style.  _

_ "What?" He cried out.  _

_ "Why are you crying?" I asked, I leaned over my knees and picked up a stick. I started drawing in the dirt, this was going to be a long one.  _

_ "Why do you care?" he wailed, covering his face back up with his hands. _

_ "Why shouldn't I?" I asked, looking up at him from my drawing. "I can't help you if you don't tell me what's wrong." I tried using one of my Dad's lines. They always seemed to work on me.  _

_ "I-I-I I hurt myself..." he started, a perfectly reasonable reason to be crying actually, I couldn't fault him there. "The, the other boys Gavin and Michael were being mean to me and when I asked them to stop they said if I could beat them in a race around the basketball court they would. I-I was winning but then Gavin tripped me and I lost. I really hurt my shin and they won't stop picking on me now because I didn't win the race." _

_ "What's your name?" I asked, nodding along to everything he said, listening intently. _

_ "D-david," he told me, wiping away some of his tears. _

_ "I'm Diana," I shook his hands. "Let me see your leg." I ordered and he put his foot in my lap, extending his leg so I could see it. I examined it, there was a big red mark, definitely going to bruise. "You should go to the nurse about this. Don't worry David, I'll take care of Gavin and Michael." _

_ "B-but how? They'll hurt you too," he worriedly asked, his new friend mightn't be his new friend for long if she got pummelled by his bullies. _

_ "No they won't." I stood up, dusting myself off. "I'm a girl and boys can't hit girls." _

Washington POV

_ I was sat on one of the plush chairs in the office, right by the sickbay. I was there for ages while the school talked on the phone to my mom. They'd given me an icepack to help with the bruise, not that it would do much. It would still bruise. The chair beside me scraped across the floor as a body plopped down into it.  _

_ "I was wrong," I heard Diana say. "Turns out boys can hit girls." _

_"They shouldn't," I told her. I looked her over, she was only slightly bruised, compared to what I thought was gonna happen. She had a_ _big red mark on her left arm and a cut on her cheek._

_ "It's okay though," she assured me. "I got them." She pointed over to two boys sitting across from use. They were bleeding and bruised in many places and glaring at her. She poked her tongue out and waved at them. I had no doubts it was her that busted them up that badly.  _

_ "How?" I asked. She chuckled.  _

_ "Oh you know, just asked them nicely." _

* * *

Main POV

_ After walking David to the nurse I had to go around the playground to find Gavin and Michael. The two terrors in question were lurking by the basketball court looking pretty proud of themselves. They were squatting by the dirt on the edge of the court, up to no good I assumed. I walked up to them and stood firm, putting my hands on my hips. _

_ "Hey! You!" I pointed at them. "Why are you picking on David?" _

_ They turned away from what they were doing in the dirt to look up at me. They were confused, but still looking pretty smug. They stared at me and I raised a cocky eyebrow. I waited. They would answer. _

_ "None of your business," Michael replied eventually, turning away from me. _

_ "Yes it is," I told him, grabbing his shoulder. He stood, looking pissed. He towered over me, he was one of the schools taller eight year olds. I was six. This may have been a mistake. _

_ "Why? You're just some girl," Michael said, confused as to why anyone cared about David the weird kid, and that made me sad. I liked David the weird kid.  _

_ "I'm his friend you meanie," I replied and pointed at him accusingly. "And you're going to stop being mean to him." _

_ "Or what?" his friend Gavin scoffed. I didn't reply in words. Instead, I pulled back my fist and punched him right in his big nose. While he flew back I reached forward and gripped Michael's shirt and used it to pull him towards me, and slammed my knee into his stomach. Gavin started to get up and I gabbed his head and Michael's slamming the two of them together. Of course, them being boys and two years older than me they were stronger and got in a couple of punches but I had something they didn't have. Skill. Daddy taught me well.  _

_ "Or I'm going to keep shoving your face in the dirt," I replied, kicking his legs out from under him, I rubbed Michael's freckled face in the dirt. "Until you stop." _

_ "What is going on here?!" I looked up from the boys to see a very cross looking Mrs. J staring down at me making Michael eat the dirt while Gavin lay groaning on the ground. _

_ "Nothing," I replied innocently. _

_ "Nothing?" Mrs. J. replied in disbelief. _

_ "Yep," I answered with a nod. _

_ "Principal's office, now." she ordered, grabbing me by the scruff of my neck and dragging me off of the two boys. _

"I was kind of an asshole," I commented.

"Kind of?" Wash scoffed. He got serious again, looking at me with a much softer expression than he had all night. "Listen, about before, I'm sorry. I've been betrayed a lot these past few years, it would just be the icing on the cake if you did it too."

"I know," I sighed. "It's been pretty rough these past few years for me too."

"And I uh, I realised the way I pinned you, it might have brought some things I'm sure you'd like to forget back up.."

"I know," I replied. "I was already having a panic attack in the corridor. I don't know what it was that got me this time, what brought it on. If it was just seeing you again, being out of armour, being this exposed, I don't... but I knew if I got to you, you knew me. You could help me, you'd seen my panic attacks before so when I was walking through the hall I didn't see you coming, like I should have."

"You don't have to explain shit to me," Wash told me.

"I'm fucking tired," I announced and then yawned. I stared up at the sky, I didn't want to give this view up.

"I know," he groaned. "Me too. Come on, I'll show you down stairs and find you a place to sleep."

"Wash uh..." I started. "Can I sleep with you?" He choked. "It's just that, I'm really on edge right now and I don't think I'll be able to sleep without feeling like I've got someone watching my back and.."

"I know," he said. "Yeah, that's fine. I get it."

He walked ahead of me several paces, I couldn't tell but he sounded pissed off. Maybe I shouldn't have asked. Maybe it was too much too soon. It'd been years, we've both changed since we saw each other last. We're both broken with trust issues. He probably didn't want someone who was basically a stranger to him now sleeping in the same bed.

He led me through the base to the Sergeant's quarters and then flicked on a light with the switch by the door. He gestured for me to come in and join him and when I did he closed the door and locked it behind us. He walked over to the dresser and pulled out a t-shirt and some boxers before handing them to me and showing me where his private bathroom was. I walked in and closed the door behind me, taking a deep breath. I'm okay. Everything is okay. Deep breaths. I looked around the bathroom. There was a game York used to have me do, it was something he used to do with one of his sisters who used to get panic attacks.

"Five things I can see," I breathed.

I looked around the bathroom. Wash always had a green thumb. He taught me how to care for the pot plants I had in my own room back on the Mother of Invention so it came as no surprise to find several in his bathtub. The sergeants quarters also seemed to have a bath for some reason. Over on the sink, despite faking his death and having minimal access to the outside world, Wash still used the same apple scented body wash. York and North used to tease him over his feminine scent. There was a scarcely used razor sitting beside his shaving foam can.

Plants, bath, body wash, shaving foam, razor.

"Four things I can touch," I breathed. I leaned back against the door. It was cold, made of metal. I held my hands against my sides. I felt the slight ribs in the texture of my jeans. I slowly brought my hands up to rest on my collar bones, if I was in my uniform this is where I'd pull the armour plates down slightly to make myself feel like I could breathe again, despite them not actually inhibiting me in the slightest. I slid my hands down again to rest on my body just under my shirt so I could feel myself breathing in and out.

Door, jeans, shirt collar, skin.

"Three things I can hear," I breathed.

I lay my head back against the door again and closed my eyes. The faucet over at the bathtub needed a washer change, it was dripping every second creating a rhythmic beat to breathe to. The water in the pipes whirled and whooshed around in the walls around me. Every now and then they rattled, like something was shaking them. Outside, I could hear Wash pacing, like he did when he was nervous. I couldn't blame him. I let out a deep exhale, feeling the breath come out my nose.

Dripping tap, creaking pipes, Wash pacing.

"Two things I can smell," I breathed.

That one wasn't hard. The roof was thick with the smell of semi-wet soil from Wash's pot plants. The other thing I could smell was weird though, why could I smell hot crayons?

"One thing I can taste," I took a deep breath. My hair was still wet. The smell of regulation shampoo filled the air so strongly I could taste it. I smiled to myself, this was getting easier. I could control this. I can manage. I can be me.

I walked over to the bathroom sink and looked at myself. I saw all the scars and marks and bruises, including the ones on my neck that were just forming. Wash was gonna pay for that. At least I knew he'd treat potential threats properly. I pulled my own jacket and shirt over my head and then pulled Wash's much bigger one over my head. Then I bent down to untie my shoes and tugged off my jeans, pulling the boxers on instead. I folded my clothes quickly before heading to the door. I pulled it open and smiled as I saw the anxious Wash still pacing.

He turned when he realised I'd left the bathroom. He paused, looking at me like he was almost frightened about what was about to happen. I offered him a soft smile before making the first move. I walked over to the bed, climbing onto it and then looking over to him. He was watching me, motionless. I patted the bed softly and as if was on autopilot, mind still reeling, he walked over and sat beside me.

"Everything okay?" I asked him. He choked slightly and tried to pass it off as clearing his throat.

"Yeah," he replied. "This just wasn't where I saw my night going." I chuckled.

* * *

Washington POV

Several hours in and I couldn't sleep. The room was in complete darkness, save for the light blue light strips that illuminated the floor. I could barely see the girl sleeping soundly in my arms, but I could feel the soft, semi-dry strands of her hair beneath my fingertips as I ran them down it. I remembered the first time I met her, really met her. All the times South played pranks on her, all our missions together. I thought back over all the time I'd known her, when we were children and she saved my ass from bullies time and time over. How could she be so strong and still get knocked down? She was stronger than me, maybe not physically, but with her skill she could still kick my ass. She might not have been at the top of the leaderboard but she was still the strongest out of all of us. All the things she'd endured, come back from. The fact that she's still coming back from them.

I remembered when the Mother of Invention had docked on New Alexandria. It was the first time I'd been back since my family moved when I was 12. York, Wyoming, Tex and North had gone out with me, wandering the streets to get a feel for the place I'd barely missed and then stopped to get take out on the way back. York still couldn't cook for shit. Barely aware of it at the time, a girl had been running full pelt towards us and it only became apparent when she slammed into Tex and sent the two of them flying into the ground.

She was a skinny street kid with wild blonde hair sticking up all around her. Her jeans were ripped, though it looked to be stylistically so, to match with her belly shirt I imagine. For someone who later told us that she'd been in UNICOM for two years before that she didn't hold much muscle. She'd grazed her arms and palms in the fall. Poor girl didn't even get the chance to regain herself and apologise before Tex rounded on her. The said freelancer had taken a step back away from the door of the takeout shop to let someone get past when the street kid had slammed into her.

_ "What the fuck, were you thinking, you little shit?! You come flying, out of nowhere, and crash into me, and nearly other people. You don't even fucking apologise!" Tex said through punches. _

_ "Hey! I didn't even get a fucking chance to, you stupid bitch. In case you didn't notice you're sitting on top of me trying to break my face!"  _

_ The small blond girl had her arms up covering her face blocking punches while she yelled at the freelancer she had just met. She rolled over the top of Tex and started punching her through her angered speech. Tex had both of her arms up blocking Hampshire's hits and arched her back standing up causing Newbie to fall off her and hit the ground again. _

_ "What the fuck were you even running from?" Tex questioned as she kicked the girl in the stomach across the other side of the sidewalk. _

_ She forward rolled into a standing position and roundhouse kicked Tex in the face sending the agent flying into a lamp post. Tex leapt up and front flipped over to her and put her fists up, standing in a fighting stance once again. The girl did the same walking around the freelancer with her fists up and battle glare on. _

_ "What makes you think I was running _ **_from_ ** _ something?" she smirked. _

_ She threw a punch at Texas who blocked with one hand and in return swung her opposing leg in the blond girl's direction. She also blocked and used her weight to force Tex onto the ground, sat on top of her again, punching her in the torso. Tex flipped on her feet again sending Newbie up to her feet also. At which point North and York took to restraining Tex and Wash and Wyoming grabbed the girl by her arms. Tex fought against them but not as much as Newbie. _

_ "Okay ladies, that was a jolly good fight but that's enough now," Wyoming told them. _

_ "What are you doing!? I can handle this!" Tex yelled.  _

_ "Calm down Tex. We don't want to act rash now do we?" York soothed whilst restraining the fighting Tex. _

_ "AAAAAAAAGH LET GO OF ME! I'm takin' this bitch DOWN!" Newbie screamed while thrashing against mine and Wyoming's hold, swinging and kicking her legs in an attempt to get free. Putting her legs back in the ground Newbie began tugging from side to side and worked up enough strength to pull Wyoming down to the ground and throw me backwards also onto the ground.  _

_ "Aaagh!" she screamed. _

_ "Diana?" North asked whilst pinning down Tex who was slowly losing the desire to fight. _

_ "North Dakota?" she asked in return. _

_ "You two know each other?" I asked, sitting on the pavement rubbing my now thoroughly bruised buttocks. _

_ "Diana's been trying to be a freelancer," North explained, not really answering the question. _

_ "Oh well that makes sense. All the freelancer girls are overly aggressive bitches," York said beside Tex who gave him the evil eyes. _

_ "With a performance like that I'm surprised she isn't one already," Wyoming said, sore from hitting the hard concrete. _

_ "Exactly. And it's not like I don't have military training," Dianna agreed with him. "I dropped out of high school early so I could pursue a military career." _

_ "That's kinda dumb. The military would have waited, you know," I said without thinking. _

_ "I wasn't going to graduate anyway. Don't get me wrong. It's not because I'm not smart or anything, my dad died is all. I mean I could handle moving planets but now I marooned here," she mumbled the last bit. _

_ "So you thought that they wouldn't take you if you didn't graduate?" I asked, wanting to know more. _

_ "No I thought I'd end up as a sim trooper if I failed." she said matter-of-factly. "I worked so hard on my physical condition all on my own. And when I was 16 I signed up for the army. Two fucking years before they figured out I was underage." _

_ "So they kicked you out?" I asked another dumb question. _

_ "Yeah but I'm going to get back in. Not for any noble reasons or anything, I'm going to find my parents," Newbie replied. _

_ "I thought you said your dad died." York commented, confused. _

_ "Yeah mom's dead as well but they didn't say goodbye so they're not really gone." Newbie explained. "They were both military you see." _

_ "So being a freelancer is your way of being close to your family." North continued. _

_ "Yeah, well my dad mainly. I never really knew my mom. She died when I was just a baby so I never really knew her, I'd like to get to know her now though. And, I want to defend the families. So many people out there with nobody because this fucking war tore them apart." _

_ "Sounds like a pretty noble reason to me." North said putting a hand on her upper back. _

  
  



	2. Chapter 2

**_Present Day..._ **

Main POV

The sunlight streamed into the room softly, slicing through the early morning chill. I moved my lips softly, trying to get rid of the just slept feeling before blinking softly, trying to familiarise myself with my surroundings. I'd slept soundly through the whole night for the first time in years, and it was a good, dreamless sleep too. I was vaguely aware of arms being wrapped around my waist. I panicked momentarily when I remembered I wasn't on a spaceship with my fiancé but relaxed just as quickly when I looked over my shoulder to see who it was holding me by the waist. Wash was sleeping softly behind me, not snoring for a change. The deep dark circles he wore yesterday had lightened up and his eyes looked less sunken in. He must have been tired. And, York had tried to convince me once that sleeping next to someone you loved made you sleep better. No one believed him but maybe it was true. Wash was my best friend and last night I slept deeper than I had been able in literally years.

"Morning," Wash muttered, having woken up to me staring at him. "You okay?"

"Yeah," I agreed.

"You look like you have something on your mind," he told me.

"I was just thinking about something York said.." I replied.

"Not that oxytocin bullshit again," Wash muttered and I laughed.

"Are you saying you don't love me?" I giggled.

"Not when you wake me up this early in the morning just staring at me like a psycho," Wash grumbled, pulling his arm out from underneath me and rolling onto his other side. I smiled and moved onto my back, moving slightly away from him. I sighed contently before moving my head to the other side, ready to go back to sleep again when I noticed a rather large, fully grown, adult male sitting beside the bed in Donald Duck pyjamas. I let out a scream and Wash bolted up into a sitting position as I stared in shock at the site.

"Hello."

"Caboose what the fuck?" Wash growled.

"Washingtub I like this one, she did not hit me," Caboose said.

"I'm gonna start if you scare me like that again," I told him, before moving to start the day.

I perched on the mess's kitchen counter and ate a packet of field rations, waiting on some life coming back into blue base. Wash was currently taking a shower and he'd told Caboose to leave me alone for a little while. I didn't know what the story was with that guy but Wash says he's a little different. Considering the nervous wreck I am, I can't say much about a perfectly nice guy, not when all he is is a little different. Although he's going to have to stop waking me up like that in the morning or it's going to put me in an early grave. I'm a lot jumpier than I used to be.

"Yo, Wash! Who's fucking armour is just laying around in the bathroom?" I heard someone call before footsteps sounded in a nearby corridor. They made their way into the kitchen. They hurried up a little when they got to me and ran round the corner to face me. "Wow."

"Tucker, what the fuck are you yelling about..?" Wash called, coming into the kitchen with a towel around his neck, rubbing his hair dry as he walked. I raised a brow at the dark skinned man in front of me currently looking like all his Christmases had come at once.

"Who are you?" He grinned at me flirtatiously.

"Your worst nightmare," Wash told him. "Seriously Tucker, don't piss her off. She's from Project Freelancer."

"I like a little danger," Tucker told me more than Wash. He flipped his short, light brown dreads off his face.

"He means I'm a total head case," I told him and hopped off the counter.

"Crazy is fine so long as they're hot too," Tucker told me, spinning round to follow me.

"Wash, your base have a 'shop?" I asked.

"Yeah, what'd'ya need?" he asked.

"New battery and a respray," I replied. "And someone who knows how to repair a HUD display. I'm not touching my helmet in case I make it worse."

"You never were good with them," he laughed. "Why is that? You're fine with the rest."

"Too many circuit boards. Everything else I understand, the helmet is the brain of your suit and I'm no surgeon."

"Well if you can stomach spending the time with him, Tucker here is actually very good with HUD display," Wash told me. "Or if you can't I should be able to swing by in a couple of hours."

"No, I'd rather spend as little time as possible in civvies, Tucker will have to do," I explained. I walked into the bathroom Tucker had been complaining about and without having to be told he followed along behind me. I grabbed my now dry armour pieces and tossed him the helmet. He turned on his heel and marched quick step to the base's workshop and I followed quietly behind them.

* * *

Tucker and I had been working quietly for a few hours now, despite his randy attitude earlier, he seemed to actually be conscious of when people did and didn't need their space. The silence between us wasn't awkward. He seemed to be properly concentrating on my helmet. Maybe that was why, maybe he was too busy working to hit on me. I had already finished replacing the battery unit in my armour and had been working on sanding down all the old, cracked paint before I resprayed my suit. I was running out of pieces to sand before I'd have to break out the air-compressor.

"What did you mean you're a total head case?" Tucker asked, not looking up from his work. He was a few benches away from me, I don't remember if it was him or me that picked a spot so far away from the other but the distance felt comfortable. We weren't close but we weren't miles apart either.

"What did I mean?" I asked, shaking my head. "You heard Wash, I'm from Project Freelancer. Everyone who worked there is a little nuts."

"You didn't say a little nuts," Tucker replied, putting his screwdriver down. "You said total head case, why?"

"PTSD," I shrugged. "I'm not like Wash, like Carolina. Everything they've seen, it hurts them, but they can keep on going. But I can't let go. I'm still holding on. I can't forget and everything that I've seen still haunts me. And on the battlefield, that's pretty dangerous."

"In case you haven't noticed, we ain't on the battlefield no more," Tucker said. "I think you've earned a little crazy. I've heard some stories about Project Freelancer. Hell I've met Tex, craziest bitch of them all. We've dealt with her freak outs and meltdowns so we can deal with yours too. We're all damaged here. We've all had our shit, we'll carry yours with you too."

"Why?" I asked, shaking my head. If only he knew. My shit was different to Tex's. She hadn't spent any time behind enemy lines. She hadn't been held captive like I had.

"Because that's just what we do," he told me. "We're here as Project Freelancer's rehabilitation program or some shit. We got you baby."

I didn't say anything. I simply sniffed, wiped my nose and went back to sanding. It was different to hear a stranger tell me they had my back. Before it had just been my dad and my team. And my little fucked up team had been dropping off one by one until they were none. And even when they were around, they had their own shit.

I grabbed a can of undercoat and sprayed down the armour pieces I'd just sanded down, coving my face with the bandana York had given me once when I first joined up.

_ "Hey, Dee," York greeted. He was on his way by as I was leaning up against a corridor wall, resting for a moment after training with North. He paused in his travels to grin at me and tussle my hair. I'd been running into these officers more and more since I'd met them outside the take out shop. Everyone had been so kind to me, I was excited to join the team, should all this training pay off and I actually make it in. _

_ "Hey!" I jerked away from his menacing hand and straightened my hair back out. He chuckled and I smiled back. Couldn't stay mad at this big dork. "York, right?" _

_ "Yup, that's me," he grinned back at me. "You here for North?" _

_ "No he just left, we've finished training for the day," I explained. "Why, you need him?" _

_ "No, no, just making sure I'm not holding you up, that's all." He leaned up against the wall I was standing by with his elbow, gazing down at me. "So, what are you doing now then?" _

_ "Oh, uh I don't know I guess," I replied. "I've got nothing planned." _

_ "Great!" He clapped his hands together enthusiastically and pushed himself off the wall. "We can grab a coffee and you can tell me all about how the training's been going and I'll walk you home," he offered. _

_ "Uh, sure. That sounds fun," I agreed, bending down to grab the bag I'd been storing all my gear in, and threw it over my shoulder. I walked along easily beside him, even though he was quite a lot taller than me.  _

_ "So I thought the project didn't hire under eighteen, and you're what..?" he paused as if trying to recall the fact he didn't know. _

_ "Seventeen, but I'm turning eighteen at the start of July," I told him. Why he wanted to know, I had no idea.  _

_ "Ahhh so that's how you're getting in. You apply before your birthday but the official day you join the project you'll be legally an adult," York mused. _

_ "Exactly," I said with a nod. "How old are you then anyway?" I asked him, figuring if he knew my age then it's only fair I knew his. _

_ "Same age as North, twenty three going on twenty four," he mused cheerily. _

_ We walked in comfortable silence for a while, him taking uniform steps and my plucky young self, taking _ hap-hazardous _ half skips alongside him. He looked down at me occasionally and I smiled back, assuring him that I was keeping up. Although the more his did it, the less I thought that was why he was looking. We headed out of the temporary base and back onto the ground, walking past the military guard of UNICOM soldiers.  _

_ "So what kind of coffee do you like, huh? The girly stuff?" He grinned at me. "You know the kind with six different syrups and a mountain of cream, foam and frappe whatever-a-chinos." _

_ "No I just like black coffee," I smiled back at him, hoping if he was trying to tease me, he'd have to find another angle than coffee.  _

_ "Ahh, you're the 40-year-old-man-who's-seen-the-horrors-of-the-world kind of coffee drinker," he replied and chuckled, finding the humour in his own joke. _

_ "Exactly," I giggled. "And I thought my disguise was working. How did you figure out I was actually a 40 year old man?" _

_ "The grey hair gave it away," he pointed to my hair and I screamed, reaching up to check for the greys my rational mind would know were not there. _

_ "What?!" _

_ He chuckled as he walked us into the coffee shop and ordered a black coffee and an Iced Caramel Macchiato. I raised a brow at him. So he wasn't trying to tease me over coffee, he was either looking for common ground or setting me up for this little jape. He shrugged at my brow raise. _

_ "Just because you're a 40 year old man doesn't mean I have to be," he explained while we waited for our take away cups. _

_ "Very true," I laughed. "Didn't realise you were asking about girly coffee because you are one." _

_ "Hey," he put a hand to his chest in mock hurt. I grinned to myself as I looked back at him through the corner of my eye. The Barista called his name and he went to get our coffees and then he handed me mine before we left the shop. He held the door open for me with one hand and held his iced beverage in the other. We walked slowly down the street, him letting me lead more now, since I was the one who knew where to from here.  _

_ "So," he started. "Tell me about yourself, got any siblings?" _

_ "Nope," I replied, popping the 'p'. "Mom died when I was a baby and dad never remarried. It was just us until he went out on a job and never came back." _

_ "I'm sorry," he said, taking a sip of his iced coffee. He shouldn't have to be, I could have been a little less blunt about it.  _

_ "What about you, do you have any siblings?" I asked, trying to make up for my rudeness.  _

_ "Too many I used to think sometimes, but I love them really. I have four younger brothers and five little sisters," he told me, making me smile. I sometimes wondered what it would have been like to have siblings of my own. But dad and I struggled, so it was probably for the best it was just the two of us. _

_ "I bet that would have been nice," I said softly, sipping my drink. _

_ "It was cramped if I'm being honest, Earth was overpopulated as is, it certainly didn't need my good catholic parents adding to it," he smiled. "I wouldn't trade them for the world, though." _

_ "Okay my turn to ask a question," I demanded. "Favourite colour?" _

_ "Hmm, I'd go with green," he replied thinking briefly about a certain freelancer's eyes. "Yours?" _

_ "I like purple," I told him. "And orange, they're pretty vibrant colours. They make me think of sunsets, all the cool shit you see in space." _

_ "Purple huh?" He asked, smiling knowingly. _

_ "Yeah," I nodded. "Your turn." _

_ "Favourite animal?" He asked and I bit my lip, it took me a moment to think. I didn't have any pets growing up, we never went to the zoo. I only really knew about what I'd read about at school. Something that made York smile, he told me later he thought I was cute when I chewed on my lip. _

_ "I grew up here," I said eventually. "I kind of think the Moas are really cool, but I always wanted a dog. Dogs are awesome, they're so loyal, and they love you completely unconditionally." _

_ "Dogs are pretty cool," York agreed. "I like penguins. They're so dorky and cute. Especially the way they waddle around and stuff. You know when the male penguin wants to mate with a female he goes out and searches for the nicest rock he can find and brings it back to her." _

_ "That's so sweet," I gushed and York's face lit up when I did. It made me think about old fashioned romances between couples, the ones you'd see in all the movies. Rather than the registry office marriages you saw most of the time now.  _

_ "You know what else is cool about penguins?" He asked and I shook my head. "They don't lose their feathers like other birds do, who do a few at a time and then grow new ones in. Penguins do this thing they call a catastrophic malt and just shed them all at once." I giggled, images of bald penguins in the arctic filling my mind. He watched me chuckle.  _

_ "I'm just thinking about all those naked penguins now," I said and he laughed with me. "All the hijinks they could be getting into." _

_ "That would be a site," York laughed. "So, your turn to ask me something." _

_ "Okay," I paused for a moment. "What are two things, you  _ **_should_ ** _ know how to do, but don't?" _

_ "Two huh?" He raised a brow and I nodded insistently. "Alright," he accepted. "First is easy, I can't cook. Not a thing. I have the diet of a first year college student when I'm not on the ship or getting takeout. What about you? Can you cook?" _

_ "I can," I nodded. "My dad taught me when I was little. Although he was always insistent on cooking for me when he was home. Even sack lunches. He always thought I was missing out without a mom and grandma back on Earth so he always tried to do everything. He was both parents and then some." _

_ "I'm glad he was a good dad," York said. "You're far too young to be broken." _

_ "You still owe me a second answer? What else are you shit at?" I laughed. _

_ "Hey," he pointed to her with one finger while the others rested snuggly around his coffee cup. "You said what don't I know how to do, not what am I shit at." _

_ "Alright then, what else don't you know how to do?" I smiled and waited expectantly. _

_ "I also still don't know how to back up my holoboard and files to the mains, despite having been taught several times," he said and I laughed. _

_ "Okay I don't know how to change a tire, or jumpstart a warthog," I confessed and put a hand up to cover my blushing face. _

_ "YOU'RE IN THE ARMY!" He threw his arms up, coffee sloshing around in the cup. "You were in UNICOM." _

_ "I know," I hid my face, as we laughed. "Ask your question already." _

_ "Okay," he nodded, smiling at my burning face. "Best and worst thing about being female?" _

_ "Okay easily the worst thing is that it's assumed men can do better than I can because I'm a girl. I don't care at all if someone is better than me and that's why they were picked, I don't care if that person is a guy, but it has to be because he's actually better and not because I wasn't even considered because I'm a girl," explained and he nodded. _

_ "Of all the freelancers I've met, both Tex and Carolina are easily better soldiers than I will ever be," he told her. "Although, neither of them can pick locks, that's my job." _

_ "I'm sure that comes in very handy on the battlefield," I replied sarcastically. _

_ "Hey, I'm useful," he said in mock offence. "We do a lot of infiltration work, doors need to be open for that to happen." _

_ "Alright, alright, you're not useless," I put my hands up in surrender. _

_ "Now the best part of being a girl?" York asked, leaning down and looking at her expectantly. _

_ "I don't know," I shrugged. "Being a girl is just hard, I don't really think about any of the easy stuff." _

_ "Come on, there must be something," he poked me. "Like I don't know, free entry to clubs or drinks or something." _

_ "I'm seventeen," I said and he drooped. _

_ "Oh yeah," he replied with a sigh. "But there has to be something," he perked up. "That's your homework, next time you see me you better have an answer." _

_ "Oh shove off you," I shoved his arm lightly. "Fine, what's your answer?" _

_ "Best part of being a girl?" He raised a brow and I rolled my eyes. We chatted like that the whole walk home. He took me right into the building and into the elevator, giggling and messing around. He walked me to my apartment door and we chatted outside for a little while too. Eventually, I realised it was getting late and he should probably be getting back. I pulled out the holo-lock and twisted the sphere, pressing the right buttons until the door release clicked and the door popped forward and slid open like the door of a van.  _

_ "Hey," York said. "In case I don't see you around before the next exam, I wanted to give you this kid," he took the bandanna he had ties around his wrist off and pulled my arm towards him. He tied it on me and then patted my head one last time. "My little brother gave this to me before I sat the Project Freelancer exam and I got in. It's supposed to be lucky, so, it's yours. But I want it back when you get in." _

_ "Okay," I smiled. "I won't let you down." _

I apparently won't give it back either, as, I'd forgotten to do exactly that when I'd gotten in. I'd worn it on my wrist almost every day. In fact the only time I'd taken it off was the day I got taken captive by the Insurrectionists. Maybe York was right, it was lucky, but, he'd been wearing it the day he lost his eye and I'd been wearing it a lot of the times I'd gotten shot, so maybe it only worked on exams. Still, I wore it every day even now. And I tied it around my face while I worked, to keep me from breathing in the undercoat and paint fumes.

Wash came through later, telling us we should take a break and reactivate some MREs. I agreed, feeling suddenly tired, and put my tools down, following his tugging arm to the mess. I perched on the countertop and broke the heating packages the MREs came with to activate them. I slid the packets into the pouches on the side of my pasta meatballs and shook the bag. I left it on the counter beside the sink and then looked at Wash who was doing his. I noticed he was holding a second.

"Hungry are we?" I raised an eyebrow.

"This one's for Caboose," he said. "We don't trust him to do them himself anymore, not since he proved he can make any substance volatile by starting a fire with the heating packages."

"I mean, they are a heat generating chemical reaction," I shrugged. "Perhaps it was an accident?"

"Oh, I know it was," he said. "But I'm not taking my chances and letting him do it again. One month without eyebrows is quite enough."

"His eyebrows or yours?" I asked, smirking.

"Yes," he replied and handed me the other bag. I crushed the packages in my hands and slipped them into the pouches, shaking the bag again and we put each MRE on the bench beside the first one I'd done. Tucker came back from the bathroom where he'd been washing his hands and grabbed his own lunch. I was surprised actually, to see someone out here wash their hands before eating, and a sim trooper no less.

"No one told me we were playing cowboys and aliens," I heard Caboose say at my side. Damn him and his quiet footsteps.

"We're not," I told him. "I was using chemicals and needed to protect my face."

"Awww," he said. "Can we play cowboys and aliens later?" I smiled softly. Perhaps cowboys and aliens could be used to train them up to defend themselves a little better. While the paint on my armour was drying we'd need to find something to do.

"I don't see why not," I said. "If we wait till after dinner, we could invite the Reds to play."

"Uh, Dee, are you sure that's such a good idea?" Wash asked from beside me.

"Yeah, I was thinking," I said. "It was ridiculously easy to sneak into your base. I only got caught because I wasn't expecting to see what I did. Anyone targeting you would find it child's play. Your guys need some training, I figure if we make it a fun game it won't seem so much like work. That and it might help your friend Caboose here. He doesn't seem to do so well with the rules they way they are, but he's pretty set on what to do in certain circumstances. Following simple rules you set him. Give him easy tasks, create protocols for him using games, and he could be a pretty decent soldier."

"You never really left the project, did you?" he asked. "You still think like a Freelancer, trying to figure out how to make everyone work the way you want them to."

"Why are you so intent on making me the bad guy?" I asked. "Your boy here is too nice and too stupid. He's going to die."

"Why do you care?" Wash demanded.

"Because it wasn't that long ago I was too nice and too stupid," I replied. "Caboose and I aren't the same. He's special, I get that, but he's also in something bigger than he understands. And I don't want him to be taken out because of that. So just let me be the Tex to his Diana."

"You know, North helped you a lot more without having to trick you into being a halfway decent soldier," Wash pointed out.

"I'm not trying to trick him Wash," I said. "And in case you hadn't noticed... never mind."

"What?" Wash demanded. "Go on say it."

"No, forget it," I sighed.

I climbed off the counter top and headed back to the workshop. I wanted to check out the progress Tucker had made on my helmet anyway. He'd done a good job. I pulled on my helmet and ran through several sample displays. Not long now and it would be almost as good as new. I tugged it off again and set it down on the bench for him to keep working on when he was done and walked over to my armour. I pulled the bandana back up, the quick-dry undercoat was set now, so I could go back to respraying my armour, bring it back to the original colour it was back in the good old days.

I held the can in my hand, looking down at the dark colour, it was a deep blue-green, almost black. The heat in the desert had dried it out to a crumbly, forest green and I looked almost unrecognisable. Which I supposed had kept me safe when the Director was after me but now I was looking for my friends it was kind of holding me back. Maybe Wash would have recognised me instantly when I ran into him yesterday. Even if he did, would it have changed things? A droplet of water hit the label on the back of the can. I was confused for a moment as one by one they continued to rain down. I sniffed, my nose feeling stuffy. Oh fuck, I was crying. It'd been almost ten years and I was still the crybaby of Project Freelancer.

"Hey," I heard from behind me. I turned my head toward the source of the sound, putting the can down on the counter. Fuck. I wiped my face on my arm. "Hey, it's alright."

I missed the approaching footsteps, but I didn't miss the strong arms slide around my waist and tug me back a step. I was pressed up against a hard chest and instead of flinching away from the unfamiliar touch, I sank into it. I dropped my head down, continuing to cry as I faced away from the man holding me. For the randy, flirt I'd met barely hours ago, Tucker was surprisingly kind and understanding about my issues. He knew just what to do. He stayed behind me, not seeing me cry, whispering words of encouragement into my ear, stroking my hair softly.

"Thanks," I choked out, once I thought I'd finished crying.

"It's okay," he told me. "We all gotta let out what we're holding onto. Crying is healthy. But if you can't do it in front of someone, because you wanna feel strong then that's okay too, I'll just be back here, watching your back."

"This isn't your first rodeo, is it?" I asked.

"No," he agreed. "I'm sure you know Carolina wasn't exactly the most forthcoming with her emotions, but, after everything we went through as a team, we got pretty close."

"It's hard to imagine her ever crying," I told him. "In fact, back at the project I spent most of my time with my head in her lap sobbing about stupid shit like boy trouble and bad exam scores."

"They didn't mention you much," he said. "Are you Dee?"

"Yeah," I nodded. "Diana Andrea Martinez."

"Lavernius Tucker," he introduced. "I think I only heard them mention Dee a few times in passing. I wish Dee was here, or Dee would have done this. Were you close?"

"Wash and I were best friends when we were kids, I transferred to his school when I was 6. Then he moved and we didn't run into each other again until I joined the project, but, I think I was probably closest to Tex and York. Tex was kinda like a mom to me, I'd never had one and although I never longed for one, she kinda filled the gap I didn't know was there. She was sweet to me, even though I never saw her do the same for anyone else. Even though the first time I met her we were beating the shit out of each other. And York, well, I think I reminded him of one of his younger siblings."

"You know he wanted to bang you, right?" I heard from the doorway. I pulled away from Tucker to turn to face him. "He asked North if he was gonna call dibs and when he said you were too young for him, York asked if he could shoot his shot."

"Explains the random coffee trip he took me out on one day after training," I said. "But I think that was before I officially joined. I did wonder."

"You were never really good at noticing when people liked you," he said. "I remember all those times we had shore leave..."

"Oh, some of those I noticed just fine," I replied with a smirk.

"Yes and those guys will never forget you, and their noses are probably still crooked," Wash said. "Dee, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to bite your head off earlier, I actually think it's a great idea. I'm just.."

"Wash, after everything we've been through, I don't expect you to be functioning without a few trust issues," I replied. "I just, I can't quite get my head around it. I finally after all these years find what I've been searching for. It's in my grasp but it's not what I was looking for. I found you, but it can never be like it was. Everyone we've ever loved is dead. And we're all broken now. No matter how much I wanna go back to our crazy stupid firework parties in the rec-room, the will they won't they drama with everyone and their crushes all the dumb bets we had out in the field. I can't let go, not yet, and I don't expect you to either."

"You and I remember that project very differently," he said.

"All the bad stuff happened at the start, everything else was just life," I shrugged. "Back then, I had all of you to pull me through it. Now anytime anything scary happens I'm alone."

"You're not gonna be alone," he told me, coming over to me. Once he reached me he pulled me into his arms, offing me a quick tight hug. "Our family might be different now, and there might be new members, but we still have us."

"You think you could do me a favour?" I asked once he'd stepped back.

"What?"

"Stop jumping me in hallways," I said.

"Bow chicka bow wow," Tucker said from behind me, an arm behind me, resting on my waist.

"Because I'm not as put together as I appear," I finished.

"Wow," David said. "You must be really fucked up, because you don't look put together at all."

"Thanks Wash," I smiled softly.

"Anytime," he smiled back.

  
  



	3. Chapter 3

**_Present Day..._ **

Main POV

I didn't sleep last last night, after playing cowboys and aliens with Caboose and the others, I went back to the shop and finished off the repairs on my armour. Once I was done I headed for the roof, watching the sun slowly rise over the hills, the sky turn from an inky blue to a dusty pink. A new day starting and washing away the one before. I stared off into the distance, not noticing the rising heat of the day until my golden skin was practically cooking. The good thing about being half latinx was I didn't really get much sunburn. If I wasn't, I'd be toast already.

"So this is where you got to," Wash commented, sitting beside me in the morning sun.

"Do you never miss it?" I asked, still thinking about what he'd said last night. "Was it really that bad?"

"No," he shook his head. "I sometimes miss the people, but I'm glad that chapter of my life is over. I'm done seeing the project tear down the people I care about."

"I bet this wasn't where you saw our lives going when we were sitting out on your roof, watching the stars," I said.

"You could say that," he replied. "You wanna unpack your stuff today? Or are you running off again now your armour is done?"

"To where?" I asked. "If you're right and Carolina is AWOL and everyone else is dead, makes sense to stay with you. Who else am I to look for?"

"I'm glad I was so captivating it made you wanna stay," he replied sarcastically.

"What did he tell you?" I asked.

"Huh?" Wash asked, turning away from the horizon to look at me.

"When I supposedly died," I said. "What'd the Director say? What did everyone say? Did they care? Did it cut up North? Did I let him down?"

"No," Wash shook his head. "You could never let him down. He'd be proud you made it out alive, that you found us. He'd be so happy you're here."

**_Several Years Ago..._ **

Washington POV

"And it is with great sadness and regret that we relieve Agent New Hampshire from her duties one final time," the Director said, giving his head one final bow and walking away from the podium.

North took the opportunity next, to speak on behalf of his beloved. He walked across the cargo bay floor and towards the podium that had been placed here for the event. There was a sour look on the Director's face and it soured even more the further along North got on in his speech.

"It's funny, I know we were soldiers that took a lot of risks in high stakes jobs, but I never pictured myself standing here today. Though I can't say I ever pictured Dee's funeral, as her fiancé I tried only to imagine the happier times, if I had to plan one we'd be well into our 90s. I'd already be in my grave and if, by the ill will of god I wasn't, I wouldn't be long behind her. There would be a large open meadow behind us, on some barely discovered planet and it would be just her and the dinosaur bones in the ground. See I always pictured when we went out it'd be in a quiet world, and we'd be free. We'd be in a place untouched by war and she'd have a place that matched her purity that I fell for all those years ago. And I'm falling apart knowing she never got to see the end of it.

I don't think I'm ever going to forget Diana, it's amazing I can even function without her. I was doing just fine before I met her, but ever since I did she was everywhere I looked. And now I'm only with her when I close my eyes. And I don't think I'm ever going to give up on the hope, since we never recovered her body, that she might still be out there. See, my baby was this girl who managed to come back from everything. She had the world throwing tragedy after tragedy at her and no matter the atrocities she faced she always came good. She always stood strong again, in a way, I think she was the strongest out of all of us and now she's not here. I hope someday I'll find her and I'd like to find her there with her arms folded and tapping her foot, angry I kept her waiting so long. But that might be a dream that doesn't come true."

He'd been crying through the whole speech, tears rolling freely down his cheeks as he somehow managed to stay strong, speak with his voice unwavering through its entirety. I however had been choking on my grief since I woke up this morning from yet another nightmare. And now it was my turn.

"When Diana and I were kids, she was always getting herself into trouble, taking on fights that were much bigger than her. Too big, some would say, but she never let what others said bother her. She always knew what was right and that's the thing about her fight I admired so much. She just wanted to do what was right. She continued on that here. But what I remember most about her was that curious side, anything you had that you were interested in, she always had the time, the patience, to sit there with you and listen. She’d ask questions and then she'd go learn more, just so she'd have something to talk to you about. She did that when we were kids, it's probably all the effort on her part that's the reason we were friends longer than a day, I was a pretty weird kid, with very boring and strange interests. And yet we'd have sleepovers at my house, sitting out on the roof and watching the stars. She always wanted to come out here, have her own adventures and, although she's just not her right now, I know it's definitely a comfort knowing we're sending her off to the stars to have those adventures. I just hope she takes us with her someday, to be a part of the trouble she gets into," I managed.

I'd thought a lot about what I was going to say up here today, but I didn't actually write a speech. How could I? How do you say goodbye to your best friend? Your first crush and later your first love? And how do you do it choking on the regret you never even told her how you felt? And knowing you'll never have the chances you had again.

I walked away from the podium and the small group of us that was left walked up to the observation deck. We watched as someone came in to remove the podium and the folding chairs, clear everything that would get sucked away, out. And then we stood on ceremony as the anthem of the New Alexandria Republic played and the flag was folded beside the empty coffin. Those soldiers left and then there were six suited up soldiers, gravity boots locked to the ground as the airlock opened up. The coffin was shot out into space and the soldiers cocked their shotguns. There were the ceremonial shots fired and then the airlock closed. It was over. She was gone.

"I meant it," I heard next to me. It was just North and I stood by the window now. South, Wyoming, Maine and Massachusetts we're standing off by themselves talking quietly. I didn't really know why South was here. She always hated Diana and she wasn't the type to be here just to support her brother, I didn't think.

"Huh?" I asked.

"I said I meant it," he told me, turning towards me, mouth away from the security cams. "I don't think she's really dead."

"North.." I started. Denial. He was in that stage of grief.

"No," he said. "York is gone, Carolina is dead. CT is dead. Virginia is dead. But she's not. She's not. I know she's still around, I can feel it."

"North," I sighed.

"No, Wash, you said it yourself, you're her best friend. Can't you feel it too? Something doesn't feel right, he always hated her. I know she's not here right now but I also know she's not dead. I'm gonna find her. Are you with me?" He asked, lookin at me hopeful, determination written all over his face, sounding in his voice. But she was, she had to be dead. Where else could she be?

"No," I said eventually. Bluntly. "She's dead. She's gone."

**_Present Day..._ **

Main POV

We sat on the roof for a long time, morning sun turning into afternoon sun before I sighed, thinking about what he'd asked. I could also feel my stomach rumble. But, the thought of food made me feel a bit ill.

"You wanna come with me to get my stuff?" I asked. He looked to me, opened his mouth and then paused, looking me over for a second.

"Yeah," he nodded. "I'll come with you."

"I walked here from near Red base," I told him. "But we can drive back, if you still wanna."

"You think I'm so out of practice I can't handle a little walking?" he joked. "Come on, let's go so we can grab something to eat when we come back."

We walked down the outside ramp leading to ground level and headed across the canyon. It never ceased to surprise me the sheer number of red and blue bases that were located in canyons. It was peaceful, waking through the sunshine, in civvies for the first time in years. With the Sand Fleas I usually changed out of my under-armour suit into the spare and put all my armour plates back on. There was never a time longer than 30 minutes that I was vulnerable and even then, I was surrounded by a whole team of highly trained ex-soldiers to watch my back. But I felt relaxed here. I knew something was going to happen eventually, I was ready for it, but I wasn't constantly worried about it. Not just yet anyway.

"What are you thinking about in that head of yours?" Wash asked when we were almost across.

"It's nice here," I replied and he hummed.

"I had my hackles up for a while, wondering when someone was going to find us, figure out I wasn't really dead, track us down somehow," he told me. "But then they didn't. I think we've finally found a spot to just chill for a while. But that really depends on what Carolina brings our way next time we see her."

"I can't wait," I replied. "I miss her. So much so I want to see her even if it means the next time I do we're walking into a firefight."

"I can't imagine it was easy for you, desperately trying to get back to your friends only to find out most of us are dead," he said and I nodded, climbing into the passenger side of the warthog. There was a pause, I wanted to say something but I didn't know how to ask.

"Are you..." I stopped, no that wasn't it. "Did you.." no. "Ugh."

"What?" he asked, looking a combination of amused and concerned.

"It's not that I want to ask if you missed me.." I said awkwardly.

"I did," he nodded.

"Is it better? Is what I'm asking. I know you never wished I was dead or anything but it's been so long and where I go trouble usually follows and you still don't know where I've been and well..." I put my head in my hands. I still hadn't gotten any better at talking. "Is it okay that I'm back? Are you angry? Do you want me here? Are you happy I'm back?"

"You idiot," he sighed, shaking his head. "I'm happy every time I get you back in my life. And trouble has always followed you, I knew that back when we were children. I never got over your death, I'm glad it was a fake, even if it does make me incredibly angry knowing the Director faked it. And why the hell did he hate you so much? Don't take this the wrong way but, why were you so special? Why you?"

"Been asking myself the same questions for years David," I sighed. "I just don't want to be extra stress for you. I don't want to impose on what you have here. Of everyone in that damn project, you're the one who deserves happiness the most."

"You know I want the same for you, if we're going off what we've been through," he said.

"Yeah I've had my share of unfair blows from life but I mean because of who you were before. I miss goofy Wash who got tricked into eating inside his helmet, I miss David who got picked on in the playground and liked gardening and stars. What eight year old likes playing in the dirt not for getting muddy but for the flora? You fucking dork."

"Thanks Newbs," he shook his head. "Just remember, you used to come over specifically for the nights under the stars and the gardening lessons."

"I  _ hate _ getting dirty," I fessed. "I only came over for those stupid plant care seminars to hang out with  _ you. _ "

He started laughing. Really laughing. It felt like years since I'd heard him laugh like that. I smiled, god we were stupid. I didn't like getting shit under my fingernails that's all. I could wash off the grit and the grime, hot water washed all that away, but the stuff under your fingernails took time, took work. But I hate dirt now because all it reminds me is being pressed against the dirty polished concrete floor of my cell, laying in a pool of my own blood after another round of failed interrogation. It reminded me of bodies on top of me, begging god to kill me so I wouldn't have to live with what happened and praying someone would come and find me because as much as I knew I couldn't cope, I didn't want to go.

"You okay?" He asked as we pulled up and I sat unmoving in shotgun. I nodded.

"Thank you for coming," I said.

"It was a brief stroll across the canyon, you and I know I'd have walked a lot farther for you," he told me.

"Back then," I said. "For rescuing me. I never said thank you, to anyone, ever. Because for a long time I was angry they didn't just kill me, because it was too much to handle. Because people looked at me differently because I felt differently, but I'm grateful. It's still hard, I'm still not better, not ready to let go but I'm grateful. To still be here, that you came and got me."

"I'll always come for you," he told me. "There's a reason we keep running into each other. I don't know what it is yet, but it's us, we're supposed to find each other."

"So it's okay I want to stay?" I asked.

"Always," he breathed. I saw his hand move over to me and then he remembered what I was like. He pulled his hand away again. I didn't want to be like this, to flinch at even the touch of my best friend. I trusted him, I  _ knew  _ he'd never hurt me, but I still couldn't do surprises. And I know not being able to comfort me took its toll on him too.

"Come on," he said, pushing himself out of the driver's seat. "Let's get your things inside."

I smiled softly and nodded, getting out of my side to pick up my things. I went for the crate but he got in before me and left me with the two duffles instead. We headed into the base, deciding on coming back for the heavy artillery and ammunition later.

I jumped when we made it to the central space, Tucker and Caboose sitting on the couch by the kitchen counter silently, scaring the life out of me.

"You guys are awfully quiet," Wash commented.

"Where have you two been?" Tucker asked.

"And what's in the box?" Caboose asked excitedly. "Is it presents?"

"It's not presents. And as for what's in it," Wash shrugged. "You'll have to ask Newbie, it's hers."

"Ooh miss nice lady, what's in your box?" Caboose asked.

"Not as much as what will be later tonight, bow chicka bow wow~" Tucker called.

"And on that note," I said, walking off to the corridor with all the residences. I was followed immediately by Wash.

"I figure we'll put you in this one here, it's right next to the Sergeants quarters so you'll be near me if you need anything and it's meant for the officers so it's bigger than the ones down the hall where Caboose and Tucker stay in the Private's rooms," Wash explained. "Plus it's kinda lonely down here by myself." I laughed. "I thought I'd want the space and separated myself from them, Caboose and Tucker used to share in their last base but when we moved here they took a room each, giving themselves the space they needed but put themselves close enough to know they weren't alone."

"I won't leave you alone," I said softly.

"God, don't I know it," he joked. " _ Decades _ and still no peace from you."

I pushed off the wall, headed for the crate. Now or never. I jammed the tip under the wooden lip and pried it open, nails being forced out of the wood with a creak. First thing I came into contact with was an old, leather bound photo album. Everyone else kept their photos on their holo-boards or in their armour storage cells but my dad had always been old fashioned and then so was I. I missed him. Of all the people I’d lost, he was the one I was most upset about. Everyone else was dead, I knew that. I suppose I knew he was dead too, in his line of work if you don't come home from a job, you're dead. But he just didn't come home.

I pulled the photo album from the crate, running my fingers over the cover before sitting down on the floor beside my belongings. I flicked through the pages, there he was, grinning back at me with a younger version of myself. She didn't know how lucky she really was. I smiled, seeing a picture of me and baby David from when we were kids. Not a care in the world.

By the time I got to Project Freelancer, I was on the verge of tears. Why did everyone have to go? Why had this happened?

There was a picture from my first New Years on the ship, Carolina was in the background, face palming as York stood between myself and Wash, an arm over each of us and a bottle in each hand. He was kissing a blushing Wash on the cheek, grinning goofily as he did. I was smiling cheerily at North who had been behind the camera. There was mistletoe above our heads, I remembered, York had kissed us both on the cheek, starting with Wash and telling me not to worry, I wouldn't be left out. Wash and I weren't even meant to be drinking that night.

* * *

_ I was laying on the red room couch, sweats on and a book in hand. York had glided into the room, shoes slippery on the floor as Wash and Carolina walked calmly behind him. He bounded over to me as soon as he saw me, massive grin on his face.  _

_ "Hey there cutie, you ready for a party?" He asked excitedly.  _

_ "Some party it's going to be," I rolled my eyes.  _

_ "What, you're not psyched?" He asked and I shook my head, putting a finger in between the pages of the book I was reading and closing it most of the way.  _

_ "I'm not going," I told him and he stepped back a step, affronted.  _

_ "Why not?" he demanded, walking up close and leaning into my face.  _

_ "I'm not old enough to drink, I don't want to get all dolled up to watch a bunch of other people get too hammered to stand and make bad choices," I explained. "Parties like this are only fun if you get to participate."  _

_ "Oh don't you worry about the booze kiddo," York told me. "Carolina and I have that all worked out."  _

_ "Wait," I turned back to the redhead. "You're helping him?" _

_ "I might be team leader, but I'm not completely stiff," she rolled her eyes. "Parties like this are important to the team, we work hard we deserve to blow off some steam. And Wash isn't old enough either, he's only two years older than you. And you're not missing out on team bonding time." _

_ "So you better go get ready for tonight, meet back here in a few hours," York told me.  _

_ "Yes sir," I laughed, mockingly saluting him. He brought a hand up to boop me on the nose as I did, making me giggle. I pulled away and pushed myself up off the couch, walking around him and heading for my room to spruce myself up a bit.  _

_ Hours later, hair teased and a short skirt, I found myself standing next to an awkward Wash who was wearing nice jeans and a grey t-shirt. He kept looking at me and every time I turned to look back at him, he awkwardly jerked away.  _

_ "Are you okay?" I asked and he stuttered.  _

_ "You sure this is a good idea?" he asked.  _

_ "We're not going to get in trouble for drinking, people drink in the army all the time. We just couldn't bring our own because we had no way to get it," I told him. "Don't worry about it, you're 20 anyway, what's one year?" _

_ "You're only 18, aren't you worried?" he asked. I snorted.  _

_ "You missed some great high school parties David," I told him.  _

_ "Somehow, I'm not sure they'd be my thing," he replied and I laughed.  _

_ "Yeah but I'd have made you go anyway, we were best friends, you had to come," I explained. "Now come on, let's go make up for lost time." I grabbed his hand and dragged him into the thick of it, past Carolina and Wyoming who were watching York do a keg stand.  _

_ He squawked awkwardly when I grabbed him and started running, making me giggle as I led him into the dancing space. He looked so uncomfortable only making me laugh more. After a few songs a swaying York brought us over some more drinks, red soda cups filled with very strong booze. I knew this even before I drank any because as soon as Wash brought the cup to his lips he winced. I laughed and took a deep swing of my own and started dancing with York who cheered me on the whole time. After downing the contents of his cup, Wash loosened up a little and began to put a bit more life into his dancing and the more and more refills he got the more he became a dance macchine.  _

_ York and I watched Wash come out of his shell, laughing and joking with him and I smiled, this certainly wasn't the shy David I met when I was 6. York shook my shoulder and when I turned to him he put a finger to his lips. Using the same one, he pointed up to the ceiling where a sprig of mistletoe was hanging and I smiled. He then reached for Wash, grabbing and gave him a sopping wet kiss on the cheek. Wash squealed and fought against the kiss and York laughed. I turned away from the spectacle and met eyes with North, who was standing there with a camera. I grinned at him and he took a snap. I wanted to say something but he disappeared just as quickly.  _

_ "Don't you look so disappointed, Newbie, there's plenty of York to go around," York called and I looked back at him. I giggled as he leaned down to give me an equally as wet kiss on the forehead and then the nose before booping me like he had earlier.  _

_ "Where's everyone else?" I yelled over the thumping base.  _

_ "What?!" York yelled back.  _

_ "Where's everyone else?" I asked.  _

_ "I'll show you around," he called, nodding. I turned to see if Wash was coming but he'd disappeared into the crowd to continue his boogying. Or to avoid another kiss. I laughed, shaking my head.  _

_ After being escorted around the party to various groups of soldiers, meeting the people my team hung out with and making friends with a few more of them. Hours went by and it was nearly midnight and I hadn't been able to talk to the one person I wanted to.  _

_ The music was stopped and there was a loud cheer from the crowd as someone announced the countdown was about to begin. I heard the click of a camera beside me and looked up to see North smiling softly. His cheeks held a light alcohol glow to them as he stood there. Seemed while he was off playing photographer he was also getting equally as drunk.  _

_ I smiled up at him as the countdown started, hoping this New Year brought only good things. I glanced up and spotted more mistletoe, mentally thanking York for handling the decorating. The crowd reached 1 and then let out a roaring cheer and I grabbed North's hand. He paused, turning back to me. _

_ "Happy New Year," I said and he grinned back.  _

_ "Happy New Year Diana, here's to many more at the Project," he said warmly. My heart fluttered. Now or never. New year, brave Newbie. I kept my hand on his and pointed up at the mistletoe with the other.  _

_ "It's tradition," I told him and he nodded softly, leaning down to press his lips to mine.  _

_ Sparks flew as they touched and what I had intended to be a short sweet kiss that maybe let him know how I felt and would inspire more kisses in the future, became much more. Passion took over and we fought desperately to keep kissing as the too loud music started back up.  _

_ He took my hand and led me, kissing along the way off of the dance floor and out the hallway. Pressed up against the cold metal walls of the ship my heart soared. This is more than I ever could have asked for, it was everything I wanted. My crush of the last 7 months was kissing me back. He liked me.  _

_ Rolling along the wall we eventually made it to the elevator and he picked me up, I wrapped my long legs around his waist. The buttons for the lift pressed into my back and I hoped we wouldn't stop on every floor now.  _

_ We were just outside his room and I paused in the passion, this was it, this would be my first time with anyone and how perfect was it, that it was with him? Sure I hadn't imagined us being so drunk, but it would do. He sensed my hesitation and pulled away. The cold air between us, sobering. He frowned.  _

_ "I'm so sorry, I let the alcohol get the better of me," he told me. I was confused.  _

_ "What?"  _

_ "Diana, you're a great girl. Don't take this as a rejection," he said. "You're just too young for me, and you're drunk. This would be wrong. It's wrong of me, someone who's old enough to know better, to do that to you." _

_ "What.." I tried to say and he leaned down to kiss me on the forehead before going into his room and closing the door behind him.  _

_ Before I really understood what had happened, tears were already streaming down my cheeks. I let out a sob. What had just happened? I had everything I wanted and now in the blink of an eye, it was gone.  _

_ "Hey honey, what are you doing down here, shouldn't you be at the party?" I heard and turned around, seeing Tex standing a few feet away. I let out a wail and her face softened. "Oh no, baby what happened?"  _

_ I started running to her and she stepped forward, opening her arms to me. I held her close, sobbing into her shoulder as she rubbed my back. Tex had been nice to me ever since that big street fight, I wondered if she'd felt bad or something.  _

_ "I was going to sleep with North but he told me I'm too young for him and shut the door in my face," I told her.  _

_ "What?" Tex asked.  _

_ "We kissed under the mistletoe and he took me down here but when we got to his room he changed his mind and left me here," I sobbed. "Doesn't he like me?"  _

_ "Oh baby it's not your fault," she told me. "Sometimes things like this happen. So he changed his mind, that's his right and it's okay. That doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. You're a beautiful young girl, someone's going to come along one day and see you as their whole world. Maybe that'll be North, maybe it'll be someone else. Who knows? But don't let one night get you down." _

_ "Thanks," I nodded softly.  _

_ "You want me to take you back to the party?" she asked, wiping the tear tracks off my cheeks. I nodded. "It's only midnight, there's still way more fun to be had." _

_ We stepped back into the elevator and waited for it to take us back up to the floor with the rec-room where the party was still in full swing. She hadn't taken her arm off of my shoulders and was glad, relaxing into her touch. I'd never been upset about not having a mom, I had my dad and he was my best friend in the whole world, even if we did fight and argue over boys and parties. But having Tex in my life now filled a gap I didn't know I had. It was an odd sensation, having a team mom. Especially when no one else had the same experience with the woman.  _

_ In the corridor by the rec room I almost jumped out of my skin, hearing before I had the chance to turn, someone running at full pelt behind me. There was a clunking of glass bottles against glass bottles and I saw York shoot past me with a large array of spirits tucked under his arms. I heard Tex scoff and shake her head at the site and I just smiled. I loved my team. I was going to truly enjoy my time here at Project Freelancer. _

* * *

I huffed, trying to breathe out the lump building in my throat. I could feel soft tears crawling down my cheeks as I ran my fingers over the pictures. I suppose it made sense now, why York had always acted the way he did, if like Wash said, he was trying to shoot his shot. I knew there was some flirting here and there, but after my time on the other side of enemy lines, I always thought of York in a big brother kind of way. I'd assumed it was mutual.

"I miss you," I sniffed, naked hands tracing the worn edges of the pictures.

"Hey," I heard from above me. Wash who had been standing in the doorway, squatted down to be at eye level with me. "What happened?"

"Memories," I replied, showing him the set of pictures from New Years.

"Ugh," Wash groaned. "What a night to regret. It started out great, you and I were hanging out then I went off on my own for some unknown goddamn reason. Should have been a sign to stop drinking right then and there."

"What happened?" I laughed. "You look like you're chewing on a bee."

"Close," he replied, sitting on the floor beside me. "I slept with South that night."

"WHAT?" It was like hearing about a car crash. Shocking, horrifying but I couldn't leave without the juicy details.

* * *

Washington POV

_ I wiped the slobber off my cheek, York getting entirely too friendly for my liking. I looked around and somehow I'd managed to lose them in the crowd. Damn, I was enjoying dancing with Dee. I moved around a bit, getting squashed by other partiers, but after some slight shoving, I realised I was stuck. Wedged in between a short brunette and a cute redhead I decided to continue on my earlier quest, dancing like I had never danced before. There were, after all, worse places to be. Plus, if Newbie was ever going to find me again I had to stay put. I think I was the one who had wandered off anyway. I couldn't remember anymore. The more I drank from the red cups, the less I could recall, but the better I felt. I was on top of the world. No one was as great as me. I was the King of Project Freelancer and no one could tell me otherwise.  _

_ "Hey Wash," I heard and turned to see South smirking up at me. Great, the Devil. "You're drooling," she told me, cackling before disappearing off into the crowd. I'd be incredibly unlucky to run into her again tonight.  _

_ Time was skipping for me, at one point I was playing beer pong and now I was across the other side of the room doing a keg stand. Why did I keep drinking? I was so wasted, I didn't need anymore. Next time someone offers me something to drink, I'm saying no. I've had enough. Sorry but no thanks.  _

_ "Hey Wash, refill?" York offered, shaking a red cup at me.  _

_ "Fuck yeah!" I cheered, snatching the cup away and taking a hefty swig.  _

_ He chuckled and left me to it. I'm sure I was doing something before I spoke to him. Yes, that's right, I had to get back to Newbie. She was probably worried about me by now, I can't believe I left her alone at a party where she barely knew anyone. Think Wash, think. Where could she be? Well, I know she's a head shorter than me, so I'll just look down and see if I can find blonde hair. Great plan, Wash, you the man. I let out a wooping cheer and everyone around me echoed it. I really was the man.  _

_ After what felt like forever of wandering around, squishing past throngs of dancing people I spotted a head of blonde hair about a head shorter than me. Yes. I did it, I'm a genius. Go David, go David. I raced over to her and grabbed her shoulder. Perfect, now was my chance to do something about how I felt, I was after all, the King of Project Freelancer. Why wouldn't she want to see me? The blonde turned around and my lips crashed on hers, it was a hot, sloppy and wet kiss and she let out a shocked whine of protest. Shoving me off I pulled back to look down at the incredibly pissed off face of South Dakota.  _

_ "Shit," I blurted out.  _

_ "You're not so hot yourself, dumbass," she replied. "Let me guess, you wanted to kiss one of the other blondes on the team? Now, is it Newbie? Tex? Oh I know, you were feeling experimental and looking for my brother." _

_ "Fuck you," I spat and she grinned.  _

_ "If you kiss me again, maybe I'll let you," she replied, pulling me down for an angry kiss.  _

_ I don't remember leaving the party or much else after that. I had brief moments of clarity, flashes of hot, hard kisses, hair pulling, rolling over and fighting for dominance. I remember being so conflicted on whether or not I was horny or angry. I let out a groan. There was chuckling at the end of the bed. I opened my eyes, wincing instantly. I went to wipe my face but found myself handcuffed to the bed frame.  _

_ "What the hell?" I looked up at my wrists.  _

_ "Rough night?" I heard and looked back down to the foot of the bed to see CT, shooting me a cheeky smirk.  _

_ "Please get me out of here," I groaned and she chuckled, walking around and reaching over me to release me from my bindings.  _

_ "There you go champ," she giggled. "Looks like you had a New Years you're not likely to forget in a hurry." _

_ "Wish I could," I replied.  _

_ "You'd better get dressed and get out before anyone finds you here," she told him. "Or else you'll never be able to forget it, even if you want to." _

_ I sat up, looking around for my clothes. I paused, wait, did this mean Connie had seen me naked? I found my entire body blushing. Crap. I cupped my hands to cover my crotch and continued the search for my clothes. I ducked under the bed, looked around South's side of the room, nothing.  _

_ "Uh," I croaked, voice breaking. "CT have you seen my clothes?" _

* * *

Main POV

"Wait, she stole your clothes?" I asked, he nodded.

"She stole them and I had to borrow stuff from CT just to get out of there and back to my own room," he explained. "She ended up giving me a pair of her ex boyfriend's boxers and a t-shirt she'd borrowed from you. I don't know what was more embarrassing, walking out of there naked or in a too small, girl's t-shirt and another man's boxers."

"I wondered what you were doing with that," I told him. "CT told me she'd given it to you to give back to me and you were so weird about it."

_ I walked into the locker room, York and North were in the back corner with towels around their waist. York was sitting, legs wide, on one of the wooden benches while North was standing by his locker rolling on some deodorant. Wash wandered round from the other side of the lockers in a towel, fresh out of the group shower. He looked up and jumped, startled by my presence.  _

_ "What are you doing here?" he stuttered and I laughed.  _

_ "It's a communal locker room, dummy, I'm allowed to be here," I told him. "Now, CT says you have my t-shirt?" _

_ "Why would she say that, what did she tell you?" he demanded, running over.  _

_ "She said she was on her way to return it when she bumped into you, said she'd give it to you instead," I explained and he visibly relaxed.  _

_ "Oh." _

_ "So you going to give me my shirt or not, you weirdo?" I demanded and he leapt into action, scurrying off around to the girl's side of the locker room. "What's up with him?" I asked and looked over at York and North. North shrugged and York grinned.  _

_ "Oh I don't know," York said slyly. "He's probably a little,  _ **_tied up_ ** _ , with his thoughts at the moment." _

_ "Oh come  _ **_on_ ** _ ," I heard Wash groan from the other side of the wall of lockers. I laughed, covering my mouth with my hand.  _

_ "Whatever you're teasing him about, that's between you three," I said pointing at York who grinned.  _

_ "You're a good friend," he told me.  _

_ "Apparently a better one than you," Wash grumbled, handing me my t-shirt. _

"I really thought everyone knew," he told me. I sniggered.

"Nope," I told him. "Just those four, unless you ever told anyone else."

"Nope," he said. "And this secret dies with you."

  
  



	4. Chapter 4

**_Present Day..._ **

Main POV

After flicking through the album some more with Wash, feeling less upset now I was going through it with a friend, he left me to it and I got back to unpacking. The room was actually pretty big. There was a single bed up against the wall on my left as soon as I walked in. A desk on the left hand wall and on the wall opposite the door a bookcase. Rightmost wall was a moderate sized built in wardrobe with a rack to hang various armour pieces. That would be helpful. There was also an awful lot of floorspace for such little furniture, you could almost fit a bunch more crap in here. There was an end table with a lamp at the foot of the bed, which struck me as odd.

So instead of unpacking, I busied myself with rearranging the room for better feng shui. I pushed the desk to sit on the wall opposite the door, along with the chair and put the lamp on the desk instead. The desk faced the door, the hard concrete wall a few feet from the chair that sat was a little better, I couldn't be caught unawares if I was facing the only entrance. I pushed the single bed to be pointing towards the wardrobe so when I was laying on my side I could watch the door. The end table got moved to the door side of the room, so I mounted a handgun on the side of it, within easy reach. I moved the bookcase to the wall the desk had been on, decorating it with all the nicknacks and crap I'd brought with me, along with the photo album Wash and I had just been through.

I was kneeling on the chair behind the desk, writing in my journal when Wash stopped by again. I looked up at him as he looked around the room, putting the lid back on my fountain pen. My dad had given me this pen when I'd sat the exam for early acceptance into college, I was going to go into finance, be an accountant. The pen had been his father's, also an accountant, who'd been given it by his father, going on like this for generations. He said it was his turn to pass on the pen. Up until that point, I'd never known my dad had been to college, let alone had any job besides the military. He'd told me it wasn't for him, he'd wanted to save the world, but couldn't do that with math. Not yet. But he said he hoped some day I managed. I wonder if he'd be disappointed to see me here, not being an accountant like everyone else in the family had. Well, except mom, I didn't know what she did.

"You've been busy," Wash commented. Put the pen I'd been staring at down on the desktop.

"Yeah, still haven't unpacked my clothes yet, I guess I just got a little carried away," I replied and he nodded.

"I rearranged my room too when I first moved in," he said. "You get so used to having to have your own six, you don't realise everyone else is here to have your back. Eventually I moved things to the way they looked nice, not the way that would have the most advantage, should someone decide to invade in the middle of the night."

"What if they do?" I asked. He shrugged.

"We'll be okay," he said. "We have been so far."

After dinner I found myself restless. Too much was changing around here but not enough was happening. Being idle was painful. I had to go do something. But my armour was done, I'd finished unpacking. My journal was done. I didn't want to sob and look at pictures of my dead friends and I didn't really feel like playing with Caboose right now. I frowned.

I pulled on some sneakers and walked out of the base, deciding on going for another walk. It would either be relaxing or I could use it to familiarise myself with the map, in case something should happen. After a little while of running around in the setting sun I gave up. There was just nothing to do. I missed the Sand Fleas. They were fun, and they understood being antsy.

"What are you doing out here?" I asked, spying Tucker dressed in civvies and making his way across the canyon.

"It's poker night at the Red base," he shrugged. "Those idiots keep inviting me back even though I always beat them. It's like they want all their stuff taken."

"I imagine it's something like pride," I replied. "There's nothing more fragile than the male ego."

"Fine by me baby, just so long as I get to keep this up," he grinned. "You want anything? Seeing as I'm so go I'll bet something you want and bring it home to you later tonight. Unless that something is me, 'cause I can bring that around to you any time you want, bow chicka bow wow~"

"You really that good at poker?" I raised an eyebrow. I was under the impression you needed to be clever to play poker.

"Anything you want, you name it," he nodded and I rolled my eyes.

"Only thing I can think of would be a decent..." I smirked. "You know what, Tucker, if you're so good get me the bed from the Sergeants quarters." He cocked a brow at me.

"You want what?" he asked.

"I want a bigger bed," I explained. "If you're so good, make it happen."

"Alright," he grinned, reaching out to shake my hand. "Done."

* * *

_ Running up the side of the building and ducking in for cover, I called for North, his turn. He ran up past me and ducked for cover at the next available point, then I was my turn. We went like this over and over until we made it to the back door of the base. There was a small, half person sized ventilation shafter next to a roller door with a very intense lock.  _

_ "Damn it York," I sighed, realising the instructions he had given me for the lock were virtually useless.  _

_ "Okay, new plan," North told me, keeping an eye out behind me. "You think you can fit in that ventilation shaft?" _

_ "Yeah," I nodded. "But we're not supposed to split up, the Director will be really mad if we do and he already seems to hate me. I'm not going in by myself." _

_ "I'm not going to leave you by yourself," he told me. "I got the vent schematics. This vent should come out right at the door controls. All I need you to do is go into the vent, open the door and come back. We'll go in together." _

_ "Okay," I nodded. He broke open the vent cover, easily and quietly, holding it out of the way for me to squat and shimmy in. I looked back, not that he could see the worry under my helmet. "Be careful, I'll be right back." _

_ "You got it kiddo," he patted my shoulder once and turned to watch for incomings. I hated that, when he called me kid. He was only six years older than me, that wasn't much of an age gap, it was nothing. And I was 18 now, in a few more months I'd be 19. I wasn't some kid.  _

_ I pushed myself slowly through the vents and after a few minutes of crawling, I found the other end. I whispered I'd reached the end, trying to give him an update without getting caught. There were a few guards walking past the grate so I had to stay squashed inside the vent a little longer. Once I was in the clear I pushed the vent open, sticking an arm out and smacking the door release. I quickly shoved myself back in the vent and out through the tunnel. I was halfway down the vent when I heard anything from North. _

**_"Shit, stay in the vents, there's an inbound bogie coming up on my display,"_ ** _ North told me and I could hear him breathing kinda heavily as he ran for cover.  _ **_"Ah shit, Dee, I'm the distraction. I need you to go get those files, they're pouring out the open door, I left it too long."_ **

**_"North,"_ ** _ I hissed.  _

**_"It's okay Dee, you've got this,"_ ** _ he told me and I grumbled, pushing myself back to the door controls and climbing out of the vents, carefully trying to avoid being seen. Thankfully, whatever North was doing, drew everyone to his position.  _

_ I ran through the compound, a few rooms over, remembering where Carolina had told us to hit. She, York and Wash were off on the other side of the building, doing something else and North and I had gone round the back. We were supposed to have South but she got taken off missions temporarily for failing a mission and then mouthing off at the Director. I hated her guts and I was excited I'd get to spend a mission alone with North but it did mean we were without the extra hands, which would have been pretty useful about now.  _

_ I ducked in, slipping my drive into the side of the computer and going to crouch by the door, gun cocked and at the ready. I didn't like this. Something felt off. I was just being superstitious, I'd taken York's bandana off my wrist, intending on giving it back to him when the mission was over. It was hanging in my locker, miles from enemy fire. The drive beeped, indicating the transfer was complete. I sighed in relief, staying low as I hurried back over to retrieve it. The doors burst open and two Insurrectionists burst in. _

**_"Shit, Insurrectionists, what are they doing here,"_ ** _ I said over the group radio, forgetting to localise it to North and I's channel. _

**_"How many?"_ ** _ Carolina demanded, instantly snapping into business, not scolding me on using the wrong chat.  _

**_"Just two,"_ ** _ I said.  _

_ "Hey, what are you doing?" One of them said, only just now noticing me squatting by the console. I grabbed the drive from the computer and pressed the wipe button on the whole system, trying to run out of the room.  _

**_"You should be able to handle it, North's with you,"_ ** _ Carolina said.  _

**_"See here's the thing,"_ ** _ I replied, dodging a punch. _ **_"OW!"_ **

**_"I fail to see how that has any bearing on the situation,"_ ** _ York joked.  _

**_"North's not here right now,"_ ** _ I confessed, wrestling against the grabby arms of the soldier I was fighting. I jammed the drive into my helmet, leaping away from the solier, commanding the suit to transfer and wipe from the drive. One of them flew after me and I kicked him into the side of the computer. The other swore as he realised what I'd done to the computer. They chased me around the massive servers in the room, trying to get the drive off of me.  _

**_"What do you mean North's not here?"_ ** _ Carolina seethed.  _

**_"We needed a distraction,"_ ** _ North chimed. _ **_"Newbie, get out of there."_ **

**_"I'm trying,"_ ** _ I called back, throwing a server at one of the soldiers. I leapt up onto the desk in front of the giant computer and jumped on the head of the soldier not currently under a computer server. I used him as a springboard and ran out of the room, forgetting to check my surrounds.  _ **_"Okay, more than two.."_ **

**_"Newbie,"_ ** _ Carolina warned.  _

**_"Buy me some time,"_ ** _ North said. _ **_"I'm on my way."_ **

**_"Uhm,"_ ** _ I replied back nervously, staring at a full strike team of Insurrectionists. _ **_"Okay please hurry,"_ ** _ I squeaked. "So," I said to the group. "I take it you're breaking in too, that's nice.." _

_ "Hand over the drive," the one in front of me demanded. I stared back at them. Was no too blunt? The transfer complete notification popped up on my HUD display and then was immediately followed by a successful wipe notification.  _

_ "Okay," I agreed slowly, then I reached up for the drive sticking out the side of my helmet and slowly pulled it, bringing my hand forward to hand it to him. I pulled my arm back and slowly stepped back away from them, taking step after step while they stared at their leader. I was almost at the stairs for the cargo bay North and I were supposed to enter via when their leader started yelling.  _

_ "THIS IS EMPTY," he screamed and they all snapped their heads to me. "You wiped it, she's got the info, get her!" _

**_"Okay guys not messing around now, really need help,"_ ** _ I said and ran to the railing, jumping over the side and landing in a roll. No time for stairs. I could hear gunfire closeby and some behind me. North burst into the cargo area already firing at the soldiers who had been hot on my tail. I ran over to him and started firing at the strike team on the stairs. _

_ "We got this, Newbs, don't worry," North told me and I nodded. I had North now, we'd be fine. We were surrounded but the others were coming, all we had to do was hold them off until Carolina got here. She could take all these guys on her own, and she was bringing back up. We had this in the bag.  _

**_"Don't worry, Dee, we're coming,"_ ** _ York told me and I smiled. He was like the big brother I never knew I wanted.  _

_ I let off another stream of shots, taking out a row of soldiers. I stepped back as I fired, turning to stand back to back with North as we took out team members. Things were going well until my MA58 Assault Rifle ran out of ammunition. I pulled the trigger a few times hearing naught but the clicking in return. Damn. I reached for the combat knives strapped to my waist as a guy with a flamethrower approached. I threw the knife at him and hit him in the shoulder, making him drop his weapon. I ran at him and leapt up into the air, feet slamming into his chest plate and making him stumble backwards. I leapt off again, force knocking him to the ground. I swung my leg back and kicked him in the gut as far as I could away from us and his weapon.  _

_ I turned on my heel just to see North take a hit. I screamed out. I looked to where the shot came from and saw a sleeveless soldier taking aim, a headshot in sight. I pushed off from the ground, running as fast as my legs would take me. I saw I wasn't going to make it, I threw myself up, leaping off the ground to block the shot with my body instead of shoving him out of the way. I hit the ground, clutching my stomach as the sting of the bullet penetrating my armour followed. I groaned and threw myself up, staggering.  _

_ "Newbie," North cried out, pushing himself up as he tried to defend the both of us. I pulled a glass canister of biofoam and crushed it in my gloved palms, applying it to the wound on my abdomen. I could feel the tear tracks running down my cheeks, I knew getting shot would happen eventually and it would hurt, but I didn't think that day would be today and it would hurt this much.  _

_ "I'm okay," I stuttered.  _

_ I stabilised myself on the ground, activating my gravity boots to help before I released them once I'd found my balance. I reached for another knife from my belt and turned to the side, only to come into direct contact with a fist. I landed on the floor with a clatter. Fuck. This was too much, I couldn't stay awake.  _

_ "Armour, execute system command. Command, upload datafile 616 AHB to Mother of Invention Mains," I said, holding back a moan. I needed to be as clear as possible.  _

**_"System command accepted, data file transfer initiating,"_ ** _ I heard FILSS reply. Spots appeared over my vision.  _

_ "Armour, execute system command," I groaned. "Command, password protect all files." _

**_"System command accepted, please set password,"_ ** _ FILSS replied and I manually set a numerical password, feeling the darkness begin to take me over.  _ **_"Password accepted."_ **

* * *

**_Several Years Ago..._ **

Washington POV

We burst through the cargo bay doors and I threw myself with York over the railing onto the ground floor, landing in a roll and immediately providing cover fire. I spotted North struggling to stand and fight off the strike team surrounding him. I searched, where was Newbie? I couldn't see her until York and I were able to take out a stream of soldiers with their backs turned. I saw Newbie laying on the ground, limp and unresponsive.

"No," I said out loud, praying she was just knocked out.

**"Wash,"** I heard Carolina call.  **"Get to Newbie."**

**"I'm on my way,"** I replied and York helped me clear a path. She didn't need to tell me twice. She didn't need to tell me once. I didn't know I'd been missing my childhood best friend until she joined the project, but once she had I remembered what it was like to have someone in your life who just got you. And I wasn't about to lose her again. I fought my way over, seeing North drop beside me as someone punched me in the side of the head. I stumbled slightly, not making it over to where her body lay in time. Two soldiers pulled her body off the ground and turned.

**"Carolina!"** I screamed over the radio.

**"I'm on it,"** she said and I could see a turquoise blur headed towards the two soldiers and I tried to take out as many people headed their way as possible. I saw York head to the struggling North who was screaming about someone getting to New Hampshire. But it was about as useful as I had been, trying to get to her. We managed to clear out all the soldiers and the strike team, carrying the severely injured North back to 479r's extraction ship.

Carolina was standing inside, already waiting for us. I looked at her, she stared back at us for a moment before she moved to the row of seats, lifting the frame so we could get him in his chair. She lowered the cage, keeping him upright before turning towards the cockpit. I stepped forward, reaching out for her, I grabbed her shoulder. I hadn't seen Newbie. She turned back to me.

"Dianna?" I asked. She shook her head, pulling out of my grasp and heading to the cockpit.

"Damn it," I cried out, throwing myself into my seat as the ship doors began to close.

"Is she dead?" York asked.

"No," Carolina replied.

"That's good," he said and I turned to glare at him, not that he could see.

"How?" I demanded.

"We can get her back," he replied simply, with a hint of determination on his words.

As soon as we were back there was a med-team waiting and we helped North onto the gurney, he was taken away for surgery immediately. I could hear him agitatedly muttering as he was wheeled away. Apparently I wasn't the only one beating themselves up about what had happened. York and I waited by the observation window by the theatre room until South got there, angrily screaming about what had happened to her brother. I didn't take much note of the yelling, how could I? One of my best friends was in theatre, the other was god knows where. And Carolina was nowhere to be found.

"What happened?" I heard and turned to see Tex standing beside York and myself.

"They discovered team 2, North got shot, Newbie got taken," York explained.

Tex didn't say anything else, she simply exited out the door she came through and we didn't see her again. I didn't see any of the female freelancers for a while, I mostly hung out with York, waiting to hear about North. Maine and Wyoming kept to themselves, training at different times and eating lunch with Massachusetts. They'd been distant for a while, even before Newbie was taken. It took two days until North was allowed visitors. His bullet wounds weren't too serious, but the med-staff wanted to make sure there was zero risk of infection and take every possible step for him to recover quickly. We seemed to be having a run of botched missions lately. It was strange, it was like they knew we were coming.

"Team," the Director said as we all stood to attention around the briefing room. Even North had made an appearance after day 5 since the incident. "I'd like to make it clear, I'm not blaming any Agent for how the mission panned out, it's become clear there is a mole in the system. And it's also become clear it was none of the Agents here in briefing."

I looked around, North, Carolina, York and myself, but why South, she wasn't even on this mission. He paced in front of us, looking vaguely troubled, but it didn't quite meet his eyes. Like his mind was elsewhere.

"We're also incredibly proud of the Team's efforts to keep the information from falling into enemy hands, when the odds were so steeply stacked against us, Project Freelancer prevailed and that's down to you astounding agents," he told us. "Why even New Hampshire did her part, choosing to fall rather than hand over datafiles. However, I am sure you know how this mission could have gone better, South Dakota."

"Excuse me?" She spat. Oh, this was why she was here. "I wasn't even on that mission."

"Exactly," he told her. "I'm sure you now understand the value of keeping your sass to yourself when dealing with your commanding officers. As, had you been able to keep your mouth shut, you would have accompanied team two on their stealth mission. Had you have gone along, they might have had the numerical advantage against the Insurrection."

"Are you serious?" she demanded, throwing her helmet to the side. "That bitch better be dead, I'm not getting blamed for her mistakes again. This was not my fault."

"Agent Carolina, Agent York, give us an update on the situation," the Director said, ignoring South's outburst.

"Well, we have good news and bad news," York started. "Newbie uploaded a file to the ship before she was taken, and from watching that we were able to tell she was able to wipe the computer after extracting the data. And when she was confronted by the strike team, she uploaded the files to her helmet and wiped the drive before she handed it over. So all they received was an empty drive. Which leads us to believe this was why they grabbed her."

"I take it, that's the good news," the Director said. Carolina nodded.

"The files New Hampshire extracted were far too large to have been uploaded in such a short amount of time, even if she had have tried. In the window of opportunity she had, Newbie uploaded the mission log to let us know what happened and password protected the files stored in her armour's databanks. So while the enemy doesn't have the data, neither do we," Carolina explained.

"That won't be a problem," the director concluded. "So long as Agent New Hampshire activated her distress beacon the Mother of Invention should be able to remote access her armour and retrieve the information we extracted. Her sacrifice will not be in vain. It may take a few days to crack the encryption, but we can have the information and then wipe her armour. It will be expensive to replace, but the information she protected is invaluable."

"Actually," York replied. "That's only so true. They  _ have _ Newbie."

"That's a sinister thought," Carolina replied.

"Are you suggesting the enemy may be able to crack the password on Agent Hampshire's databanks faster than we can, even after the extensive cybersecurity training she underwent?" the Director demanded.

"Even if they could, there are quicker ways to get information," York replied.

"It's been known to happen," Carolina agreed. The Director frowned. He stood there, glaring at the floor paneling for a few moments, before nodding to himself and looking up.

"Agents, we will be using Agent New Hampshire's distress beacon to track the location of her armour," he said. "You will then launch a retrieval mission for it, valuable Project Freelancer technology must not fall into enemy hands, and neither can that information."

"And Diana?"

I snapped my head around. What was she doing here? I didn't even know Tex was in the room. She was stood a few feet from the Director, having stalked over to him when she spoke. She crossed her arms over her chest as she waited for a response.

"You're retrieving her armour, not her?" Tex demanded.

"Agent New Hampshire made the ultimate sacrifice," he replied. "I won't put that in jeopardy risking the retrieval of her armour and the information trying to find her, now she's separated from it."

"She's being tortured, wherever she is and I'm not leaving her there. When we go in for that armour we go in for her as well, or you can kiss my ass goodbye, Church," Tex replied. "If you're right, and she did sacrifice herself for this mission then the Project owes her a life debt, and I intend on bringing her back, while she still has one we can return."

"You don't mean that," the Director replied. "You wouldn't leave the Project over one agent. Where would you go?"

"It's not one agent, it's Diana," Tex replied. "And when I go, you'll never find me. So you'd better help me bring her back or you won't see me again."

"Since you care so much, Agent Texas, you are leading the rescue mission, Agent Carolina will handle the armour retrieval."

"Yes sir," Carolina replied.

The Director left the room, leaving it up to the agents present to plan the operation. It would be a task in itself trying to get Carolina and Tex to coordinate this mission, let alone getting on location and pulling it off. Tex walked up to the table, it was unusual to see her unarmored. There was a clear worry on her face, it was no secret she's always had a soft spot for the younger blonde. Carolina looked at her, they stared at each other for a long moment before the redhead nodded once and went back to the location map in front of her.

"Wash," Carolina said. "You'll be with me. We're going in this side of the base where the tech specialists are. I'll leave you York," she told Tex who simply nodded.

"I hope your work with illegal homemade fireworks has taught you a thing or two about explosives," Tex said and York grinned.

"I want in," North said. Tex turned to him.

"Easy buddy," York told him. "We're going to bring her home, don't worry. We just need you to recover."

"No," he said. "She took a hit for me, if she hadn't gotten shot they wouldn't have been able to take her. Even before that, I was the one that sent her into the ventilation shaft. She told me it was a bad idea and I ignored her. This whole thing is my fault, I have to bring her home."

"Its not your fault," Tex told him. "But if you say you're good, then I could use all the help I can get bringing her home to me."

I didn't comment at the time, how odd that phrasing was. Or anything she'd said since making her presence in the room. How the Director's face had changed when Tex had referred to her as Diana not Newbie or New Hampshire. How he'd looked when she'd threatened to leave. And by the look on York and Carolina's faces, they'd noticed it too. North simply looked happy Tex had relented so easily.

* * *

**_Present Day..._ **

New Hampshire POV

_ I came to again to find myself still hung by the wrists, head lolled backwards. I wasn't sure how long I was out for this time, now I was out of the box. My skin was still caked in dried-in blood. I blinked in the low light, trying to get my brain to function properly. I was cold, why was I cold? I was in my underwear, that's right. I remembered from training the 13 Enhanced Interrogation Techniques.  _

_ 7, nudity. Humiliate the prisoner by means of partial or full undress.  _

_ 8, stress positions. Stimulate mid discomfort by forcing the prisoner into strenuous positions like arms above the head or kneeling for prolonged periods of time.  _

_ And I'd been in a crate when I'd arrived, that was number 3, cramped confinement. Put the prisoner in a box big enough to stand in for up to 18 hours or in my case a box only big enough to curl up in for recommended up to 2 hours. By my judgment, which was pretty good back then, I'd been in there for about three and a half.  _

_ I knew they were certainly trying to do number 9, sleep deprivation but because of my injuries, I kept passing out. Which might be working out in my favour, torture, psychological or physical, can't be inflicted if I'm out cold. And that just bought me more time, I just had to give it a little longer, my friends were coming.  _

_ "They're not coming for you princess," the sleeveless soldier told me. "Give up on that hope now, if not for giving me what I want, then for the peace of mind you'll get at the end." _

_ "Somehow, I don't think I'll be getting that peace of mind either way," I replied. "So I might hold onto this one just a bit longer." _

_ "Have it your way, sweetie, I'll just have to break you some more," he replied. He wandered around me, looking me up and down. I was covered in blood and before it had dried, all the concrete dust and dirt coating the floor had stuck to me. That and the sweat was enough to make my skin crawl, but that wasn't why it was. No, that fell to my captor. He was plenty creepy enough to carry that role himself.  _

_ "Princess, you're filthy," he said, noticing what I had. "Perhaps a little shower might soften you up, hey? Make you change your mind? I'm sure you're familiar with the 13. Let's try out that last one." _

_ 13, water dousing. Unlike waterboarding which was localised specifically to one's face, dousing had a naked prisoner held down and ice cold water rained down upon them. Or if you had a tarp you'd get trapped in the bathtub technique and forced to feel the unrelenting cold much longer. I supposed, the bathtub one might be more preferable, surely your body heat would raise the temperature eventually, if you were being pinned and repeatedly doused, your body would lose heat too quickly and you'd become numb, you'd shut down.  _

_ He instructed my two guards to help him, and I was put in a headlock and pinned to the dusty ground. I didn't ask where the hose had come from, or why I hadn't seen it until now. I was too preoccupied with picking the right moment to breathe. I could feel the icy water making me gasp and I tried to fight it, keep my mouth shut to stop the water from forcing itself into my lungs. The blood and dirt that had once caked my skin was washing off, at least, but so too was the clotting from my various wounds. The biofoam I'd applied to my gunshot wound which had solidified and halted its degradation was washing off my skin too. That was my largest problem. If the wound got worse, I might die here before the others could get to me. _

I shot up in bed, covered in a thick layer of sweat, a scream too far out of my mouth to silence. My sheets were in a tangle around me as I looked around frantically. I didn't know what I was looking for exactly, but having not found it, I could feel my heart rate decreasing. I reached up to touch my face, my cheeks were wet with semi-fresh tears. I shook, I hadn't had a nightmare like that for a long time. I wanted Wash. Would it be wrong of me to go wake him up just so he could calm me down? There was a knock at my door, making me jump. I suppose my screaming was probably loud enough to wake him up on its own, no need for me to seek him out.

"Just a sec," I yelled out, trying to free myself from my blankets.

"Newbie, are you okay in there," I heard Tucker call out as I was halfway to the door. Not who I was expecting.

"I'm fine," I told him, from behind the door.

"Are you sure?" he asked, knocking on the door some more. I sighed and opened it. He looked me up and down as soon as I did. "I heard the screaming, judging by all the sweat that was either a nightmare or some hardcore masturbation. And baby you know I can help you out either way, bow chicka bow wow."

I laughed. That was one way to bring me back into reality. I rubbed the back of my neck, sweat making me itch. I hated this feeling, the grime brought back memories I'd rather forget.

"Yeah," I replied. "I'm sure."

"You wanna talk about it?" he asked and I shook my head. "Alright, you always know where I am if you change your mind. And you come wake me up if you need to, anytime."

"I'll keep that in mind," I replied and stepped out the door. I needed a shower.

Washington POV

I woke up in a cold sweat, shaking and confused. It was almost like I was in another time. I was back there again, I knew it was only a matter of time before I got the dreams again. Now Newbie was back in my life paired with the knowledge that Wyoming was still alive and out there somewhere filled me with dread. The frightened screams of her echoed throughout my head, almost like they were happening in the next room. It was like I was back there, it had been so real. I was in her hospital room, staying by her side as she screamed and writhed in the sheets, struggling to remember what was real and what wasn't. And when I'd had Epsilon implanted, I'd understood much better.

_ I saw her fighting against the restraints holding her to the bed and sighed. I knew they were for her own good, so she didn't hurt herself when she was thrashing around but at the same time, was tying up someone who had just come back from being held captive really such a good idea? I wondered what the dream was this time. She let out a harrowing sob and I paused, she stopped fighting as hard, she was only reaching for her face this time, trying to wipe away the tears. So she was awake.  _

_ "It's okay," I said, alerting her to my presence, walking over to a tissue box by the side of her bed. "I'm here Dee, I'm with you." _

_ I dabbed at her wet cheeks and cleared off all the salt. She looked up at me softly, grateful but still pitiful looking. My heart ached. This most certainly was not where I saw our lives going when we were kids looking up at the stars. I always thought I'd be a teacher, suit and tie teaching about space or plants or something. I always thought she'd be some kind of judo instructor or a boxing champion, because she was all about her fists even then. Which was probably why her time over enemy lines was hitting her so hard, she was a fighter and they'd taken away her ability to fight back.  _

_ "David," she cried out, new tears spilling out of her eyes. I dabbed at her cheeks again, stroking her hair with my other hand.  _

_ "I'm here," I told her. She's been refusing to see a lot of people. Tex and myself were the only ones she'd let in, I supposed I should feel special. But when someone you love is this bad a state, it sorta puts everything in perspective.  _

_ "Can you please untie me?" she asked after a moment. "Just for a little while." _

_ I didn't take any convincing, I pulled at the straps, keeping her confined to the bed. I knew she wouldn't run, not from me. She's never been afraid of dorky little David, she wasn't about to start now. As soon as I'd released her legs and then arms she pushed herself up into a sitting position and threw her legs over the side of her bed. I was still caught off guard at first, when she threw her arms around me but I melted into the hug. She clung to me and started convulsing in a new set of sobs. I rubbed her back, stroked her hair.  _

_ "I'm here, you're safe," I told her. "It's okay, I'm here. I'm here." _

_ "Can I.. can I ask you something?" she stuttered after a little while. She pulled away, almost wanting to hide her face. I pushed some hair away from her face and tucked it behind her ear. She pulled away, clearly embarrassed about what she was going to ask.  _

_ "What's up?" I tried.  _

_ "I've been refusing the sponge baths," she told me. "I  _ **_hate_ ** _ the feeling of someone else's hands on me. I know the nurses here mean no harm, but I can't stand it. And being tied to a bed while someone is wiping me down with a wet rag is humiliating. At least the bad guys used a hose." _

_ "You want me to make them let you shower?" I asked and she nodded. I smiled softly. "I can help with that. Is that all you wanted?" she shook her head, a deep blush settling in her cheeks. "What?" I almost laughed. She was never shy.  _

_ "I uh.." she paused. "I need help." _

_ "Oh," I replied. That made sense. "You want me to help you over to the bathroom. I can do that." I nodded enthusiastically and walked over to the new place she'd settled when she'd pulled away. I hoisted her up off the bed and brought her down slowly to the ground. I held my arm around her waist as we walked across the tiled floor to the bathroom cubicle at the end of the ward.  _

_ "It's more than that," she said softly. "They won't let me take showers unsupervised in case I collapse. They don't think I'm strong enough, they say. I think it's incase I slit my wrists in the bathroom." _

_ "Are you going to?" I asked and she shook her head. _

_ "My dad would be so mad," she replied and I looked down at her. What the..?  _

_ "I know it's such a stupid reason to not kill yourself. But as horrible as I feel right now, as much as I wished they'd just killed me, as I wish you'd not come get me and I'd died... I'm not done here. I'm tired, I'm struggling but my dad would be so angry with me if I gave up. I feel like I can't do this, it's too much, it's so much and I can't, but my dad thinks I can. And if I was to try kill myself in that bathroom, I think he might come back from the dead just to kick my ass." _

_ "Sounds like the Javier I remember," I replied, she smiled softly against my chest, head just under my armpit as I helped shoulder her weight to the bathroom. "So what do you need from me?" _

_ "I don't want this to overstep the bounds of our friendship but.." she stuttered. "Will you come in with me? Will you help me? I don't want it to be a stranger. They always want to come in with me, and I don't want their help. I can't.. I can't cope with their hands on me. It feels like them, I can't.." _

_ "It's okay," I soothed, stopping on the way to the bathroom. Holding her in my arms. "I'm here. Not them. I'm here. And I'll come with you. You're my best friend, there's nothing you could ever ask me that would be too much. I love you." _

_ "I love you," she cried out, tears spilling out over her cheeks again and I wiped them away with my thumbs. Her cheeks must be burning by now, the amount she cries. I just wanted to take that away, stop all this.  _

_ We started moving again and I held the bathroom door open for her, closing it behind us. I moved away from the door to turn the shower on and she turned back for the door, flicking the lock closed as she glared at the door. I could picture her mentally cursing the nursing staff. To be fair, they had been a little brash with her this whole time. Despite this ship having a counsellor, we weren't really equipped to deal with any mental health issues and trauma.  _

_ She made her way back over to me, bare feet padding across the slightly wet tiles. She paused in front of me, looking at me expectantly. I reached for her and she turned around, oh. She wanted my help. I pulled at the ties of her hospital gown and watched the fabric drop to the ground, pooling at our feet. She took a shaky step out towards the running water, uneasy footing but she got there. She moved to turn and slipped, I reached out to grab her arms and once she was steady, let her go again. I bent down by the sink, going through the cabinets to find some soap and shampoo and stuff for her to use. There was a hard knocking at the door and I looked up from my spot in the corner.  _

_ "The nurses," she muttered suspiciously. I almost smirked.  _

_ "Wash, you'd better be in there with Newbie, not on some stupid jail break across the ship," I heard Carolina yell.  _

_ "Yeah," I called back. "We're in here." _

_ "Why the hell are you two locked in the bathroom together?" she demanded.  _

_ "Send her away," Dee hissed. I looked back at her and raised a brow, she made an angry shooing motion with her hands.  _

_ "Only if you promise not to fall and kill yourself while I'm over at the door," I said in a low voice. She took hold of the safety rail with both hands, white knuckling it and looking at me expectantly. I shook my head and then walked over to the door. I unlocked the door, poking my head out.  _

_ "What's going on," Carolina snapped. "Should she be out of bed right now?" _

_ "Probably not," I answered honestly. "She's been refusing sponge baths, the nurses told me that before she did, when I came in. She's also refusing to let them in here with her to supervise, so we're compromising." _

_ "The nurses just called me to say you visited and now she was missing," Carolina replied. "I'll go calm them down if you think you got this. Do you need anything?" _

_ "Bring her something of hers," I replied. "Pyjamas, a blanket... This place is too impersonal. She needs to be comforted." _

_ "I also need chocolate," she called from the shower and I coughed. Carolina smirked.  _

_ "Well, at least she's got more life in her than she did yesterday," she said and I smiled. Every day got just a little bit better. "I'll see what I can do." _

_ I closed the door and locked it again, headed over to where Newbie was looking pale. She had been standing up too long. I grabbed the chair they kept in here for exactly this and placed it beside her. She moved away from the hand rail slowly.  _

_ "It's okay, we're not running out of water anytime soon," I told her. "Sit, rest, take your time." she nodded, looking embarrassed. "Dee, you got shot, that alone is hard enough to recover from. You did that and managed to survive weeks over enemy lines. You're not the energiser bunny, you do need to take breaks from time to time." she snorted.  _

_ "Energiser bunny, that's a new one," she said and rolled her head back, letting the hot water pour over her face and head. _

_ Eventually, when she'd gotten her strength back she asked me to help her up and I hoisted her to her feet again. I went back to the sink and handed her some shampoo which she scrubbed through her hair. She still looked pretty tired. I handed her a bar of soap and she started up a lather in her hands, rubbing them over her body. She looked like she was about to drop and I threw myself forward, trying to catch her before she fell. She gasped, flinching away from me and throwing herself at the tiled wall. I paused. Shit. She looked back up at me and the realisation spread across her face. New tears welled up in her eyes, threatening to spill.  _

_ "It's David," she whispered. "It's David. Of course it's you," she pushed off the wall and threw her arms around me. "I'm so sorry."  _

_ "It is David, it's me," I told her as I stood under the spray, water and my soaking wet friend drenching the front of my shirt and jeans. My shoes were already squelching wet and the spikes I'd styled into my hair this morning were now flat against my head. I rested my head on top of hers as she buried her face in my chest. I cradled her head and held her just as tightly as she was holding me.  _

_ "I'm so sorry," she repeated over and over and I had my own mantra.  _

_ "It's okay, I'm here, I'm here," I told her. "It's David and I'm here. It's okay." _

_ I could feel my own tears falling from my eyes as I held her, how could this happen? It was always the worst people that went through this. Why couldn't trauma and struggles be brought to the very worst of humanity, not the people that kept the light in the world? But that was what made the bad guys bad, they wanted to wipe everything good from this world. Even though she was broken, I was glad I had her. Diana. My whole world.  _

I threw myself out of my tangled up sheets. I practically ran to my bedroom door, heart racing again as I heard the screams echo over and over again in my head. I needed to see her. I barely felt the cold concrete floor of the base as I jogged across it in bare feet, heart hammering loudly in my chest as I reached the next room. I stood outside, bleary eyed and banging on the door. To hell if I woke her up. I needed to be sure she was really here, that she was okay. There was no answer. I hammered harder.

I threw open the door, not waiting a second longer for her answer only to find her bed empty. I threw the light on, wincing at the harsh, unforgiving fluorescents. I threw my arm up, shielding my eyes before I looked around. Her sheets were in a tangle on her bed, and there was no sign of life anywhere. Was she okay? Where had she gone?

"Wash?" I heard from behind me and spun around. She was stood in the doorway, soaking wet hair and in a towel. "What's wrong?"

"I..." I stuttered. I closed the distance between us. "You were gone.."

"I needed a shower," she told me. "The nightmares came back," she explained and I nodded, understanding. "You too?"

"Yeah," I answered and she closed the space between us, wrapping her arms around my abdomen. She buried her face in my sweaty t-shirt and I rested my head on her wet hair, breathing in the scent of regulation shampoo. She was okay.

"I'm here," she told me. "We're okay."

  
  



	5. Chapter 5

**_Present Day..._ **

Main POV

I dressed and made my bed in the early hours. Finding it too hard to go back to sleep in my own bed, I headed to Wash's room to see him again. Having him hold me in his arms after my nightmare was just what I'd needed and him coming to find me after one of his, made me feel a lot better about our friendship. I was worried that, after so much time, he wouldn't trust me anymore, he wouldn't be as close with me anymore. But just like the 7 year gap between childhood and me joining the project, nothing had changed.

He wasn't in his room when I got there but I could hear the shower running in his bathroom. I untangled his sheets and folded them back, letting the bed air while I waited for him to get out of the shower. I perched on his desk chair, knees pulled up to my chest. We were broken, but we had each other. At least we had each other. The bathroom door opened and Wash stepped out, towel wrapped around his waist. He looked up and jumped when he saw me and relaxed once he saw it was me.

"You mind if I stay here with you?" I asked and he shook his head.

"You mind staying here with me?" he replied and I smiled softly.

He walked over to his wardrobe and I saw him pull out a pair of boxers and a t-shirt before I turned away. I turned back and he was pulling on his shirt. He threw his towel in the hamper by the door and reached out to me. I got up from my chair and wrapped my arms around him one last time before we went to bed. He climbed in on his side and pulled the blankets back up. I got the light on my way and then scooted in beside him. His arms were around my waist and I relaxed into the pillow. Maybe York was right. You were meant to sleep beside someone you love, and it wasn't just a ploy to get Carolina into bed with him.

I closed my eyes, enveloped by a warm darkness. It was nice to feel the nothingness again. I wasn't numb, but I didn't feel what I had when I'd been dreaming, and that was what I'd always wanted. I blinked, sunlight was piecing through the midmorning air. Another night of dreamless sleep thanks to York's theory. I'd shifted, sometime in my sleep and I no longer had my back to him. Instead our legs were in a tangle and his arms were wrapped tightly around my waist. His head rested on my chest and mine was on the warm pillow. I smiled down at his soft, blond hair. He'd let it dry naturally after coming out his shower last night and wasn't styled into the spikes he normally had it up in. I busied myself carding my hands through it, twirling the strands around a finger. He hummed softly in his sleep and I traced his jaw with my hand. He was so cute when he was sleeping, he became a lot less surly and a lot more like the soft sweet David of our childhood. He let out a groan and buried his face further into my chest.

"Why are you awake so early?" he grumbled.

"You're starting to get greys," I replied, ignoring him and tracing the slightly white hairs at the side of his ear.

"Don't tell me that," he muttered, keeping his eyes shut. "Very rude awakening."

"You're getting old," I teased, giggling.

"You're only two years younger, we're both getting old," he replied and I started thinking back to when I'd started the project, it had been over 10 years. And I think I'd spent more time out of it than I had in it.

"I know," I whispered. "I'm almost thirty, you're almost thirty two." He let out a noise of pain. "You know," I said softly, a little pang of sadness settling in my chest. "I'm about the same age my dad was when I was born. How did he have it all figured out?"

"Wizardry," he replied. "No philosophical discussions first thing in the morning. Either go back to sleep or bother someone else if you're bored. And no more telling me I'm old either."

I chuckled, same old Wash. Sweet when asleep, grumpy as soon as he was awake. I slipped out of his arms and off the bed, watching him settle himself amongst the pillows instead. I wandered through to the base's kitchen, it was nearly noon and I hadn't seen or heard from any of the other base's occupants. I walked out of the mess and into the rec-room where Caboose was sitting in front of the coffee table, quietly drawing with cartoons on in the background. Tucker was on the couch lazing about, not paying much attention.

"Morning," I said and he lifted his arm off his head to look up at me.

"Hey," he said gently. "How'd you sleep? I didn't want Caboose to wake you so I brought him through here this morning when I heard him get up. Figured after last night you'd need it."

"Thanks," I nodded. "But you look dead, you stayed out late and then got up early. That can't have been easy."

"I've done the no sleep thing before," he told me. "I was a single dad for a while, you get used to it."

"I.. I didn't know," I stuttered. I didn't know anyone who was a parent, just my dad and he was gone now. Unless you counted the Director, but he was a bad example and we're just going to pretend he doesn't exist in that way. "That must have been difficult. North and I talked about being parents, but things just don't always pan out the way you expect them to."

I looked down, thinking of my now ex, fiancé. I kept hoping while I was searching that if I kept trying, I'd find him. I was trying all this time to get back to him. But it was all in vain, as Wash had told me. They were all gone. I frowned, why had it turned out like this? I thought back over my life, all the choices I'd made, could it have gone any differently? Was my fate really my own making?

"What are you thinking about over there?" Tucker asked, pushing himself up off the couch.

"This just wasn't where I saw my life going," I replied. He snorted.

"Dude same," he said, "Come on, let's get some food going. I made Caboose breakfast but that was a few hours ago now and you need to eat too."

Washington POV

The spot in the bed beside me was empty now, I vaguely remembered telling Dee to either go back to sleep or to leave, but I hadn't really meant it. It was warmer now, indicating that it was later in the day. I pushed myself up out of the bed, unable to ignore the pressure on my bladder anymore even if I wanted any more sleep. I staggered through to the bathroom, feeling much needed relief. I stared at myself in the mirror as I brushed my teeth. I wasn't getting greys. I leaned in closer and fingered my sideburns. These were simply lighter blond hairs. Damn that woman.

I spat the green foam into the sink and rinsed it away, headed for the mess. I was surprised I'd been able to sleep this long. Usually I'd have heard Caboose by now. Maybe Newbie was entertaining him. She seemed to like him for some reason. I could hear giggling, that was a promising sign. I walked through the hallway to the mess and paused in the doorway. Newbie was perched on the kitchen counter, Tucker stood beside her. She was laughing at something someone had said, and he was laughing too, looking at her the same way North used to. Damn him.

"You know, that was my shirt," I said, trying to make light conversation despite how angry I felt.

"Was," Newbie chuckled. "I've had it this long, you really think you're getting it back anytime soon?"

"Maybe it was all a part of my plan," I told her. "Fake my own death, lure you here, take my shirt back."

"Very cunning," she giggled. "Not going to work though."

She handed me a ready activated MRE and I groaned in appreciation, I was suddenly  _ so  _ hungry. I dipped my fingers in, tossing the heating pouch into the trash and pouring the contents straight into my mouth. She giggled lightly and I turned to grin at her before faltering, oh, she was laughing at something else. Something Tucker was doing. Damn him.

Main POV

"Hey you guys," I heard a guy whine and looked up. It was the fat guy who'd asked who I was a few days ago. He was standing there in bright orange armour with his helmet under his arm, panting and sweaty.

"Hey," I replied and Tucker turned to me, grinning.

"Come with us," Tucker told me and pulled me off the kitchen counter. He led me outside where there was a thinner guy in maroon armour ordering around a guy in bright pink armour and another wearing purple. They were all stood around a wooden bed frame with a mattress on top, still made. I raised an eyebrow.

"What?" I asked.

"Told you I was good at poker," Tucker taunted and I started laughing.

"You know I wasn't serious, right? I was just messing with you," I said and he laughed.

"You mean we carried this across the canyon for nothing?" the orange one groaned, sounding incredibly pissed off.

"No I'll still take it," I said laughing. "How come you brought it across the canyon like this anyway?"

"Sarge likes to punish Grif when he loses at poker," the maroon one explained. "It wasn't this neat when we got here but Donut decided to make the bed every time we put it down for a break."

"Presentation is everything Simmons, especially when giving gifts," the pink one told me. "Alright everyone, let's bend over and get to work."

There was a collective groan and I started giggling again, these guys were ridiculous. I followed the guys and Tucker through the base as they tilted the frame every which way was necessary to get it into my bedroom. Tucker ducked in first to pull out the old, smaller bedding and shoved it down the hallway out of the way.

"What the hell is going on?" I heard and jumped over bits of blankets and pillows, headed for the door.

"I may have bet with Tucker he wasn't this good at poker and this was the prize," I explained to Wash who was standing looking unimpressed in the hallway.

"What?" he asked, looking amused.

"He was bragging last night when I went for a walk that he was amazing at poker and that if there was anything I wanted I should let him know," I explained. "And I thought he was an idiot and named Sarge's bed thinking there was no possible way he'd be able to pull it off."

"Yeah," Wash sighed. "You'll learn it about these guys. They might be a ragtag team of idiots, they're always capable of pulling off the impossible."

"Kind of impressive, isn't it," I smiled at him and he groaned.

"You have no idea the shit they've put me through," he said and I giggled.

Once the bed was in my room the Red team went to our rec room to hang out with Tucker and Caboose, and Wash went off god knows where. I was shoving my old bed further down the hallway, trying to figure out where to put it. With the stories I'd heard about injuries, this base could really use an infirmary or something, maybe I could make one with one of the disused rooms.

I heard someone clear their throat. I turned to the sound of the noise. It was one of the Red guys. The purple one sidled up to me and I raised an eyebrow at him. If I remembered correctly, purple were the red and blue medics. Great. What did he want?

"Hey, I'm Medical Officer Frank DuFresne, but the others just call me Doc," he introduced cheerily. "I thought I'd come and say hi since you'll be staying in the canyon for the foreseeable future."

"Right," I nodded. "I'm New Hampshire."

"You uh, got another name, like a nickname or something, something I can call you if we're familiar?" he asked.

"Newbie is fine," I sighed. I hated that nickname, I know I'm New Hampshire, but I always thought people used it because I was the new person on the team. I only let my friends call me that. And I didn't want random medics calling me that. But I also didn't want to tell him my real name either.

"Was that all you wanted, to introduce yourself?" I asked as we stood in awkward silence. He looked like he wanted to ask me something but was worried about me flying off the handle and beating the shit out of him. "What's your deal, you're acting like I'm gonna bite your head off."

"We've been warned not to piss you off," he answered honestly. "And I've also dealt with Freelancers before. You guys.. well, you've always shown up, scared the shit out of us, and either tried to kill us or taken us off on scary missions where other people try to kill us."

"Well," I shrugged. "The project's over now, so I doubt I'll be leading any missions any time soon. But I will murder you if you piss me off."

"Good to know," he said. I was only joking but he seemed like the type that couldn't cope with that. Oh well.

"So, what do you want?" I asked again, losing my patience. I wanted to be in my room, rearranging the furniture or writing in my journal or something. Anything other than this.

"Well," he paused. "You're the new resident in the canyon and I thought it was probably time, now you've settled, someone gave you a physical. Make sure you're fit and healthy and you know, we don't know you, you don't know us, gotta make sure no one's carrying anything or has any sort of ailment you know.."

"No," I replied simply. No physicals. I don't do physicals. Not anymore. I saw the medical team at the project only when absolutely necessary. I wasn't going to voluntarily let some strange man fondle me in a backwater base in the middle of buttfuck nowhere.

"Well I just think that.."

"No," I said again more firmly.

"Why don't you want to.."

"I SAID NO," I yelled at him and stormed into my bedroom closing and locking the door behind me.

* * *

I put the lid on my pen, feeling a little better now I'd written about the last few days in my journal. I didn't know why but for some reason writing everything down made everything seem a bit clearer, a little easier to deal with. Even if I never looked at the pages again, it was out of my head. I fingered the fresh pages, thinking about how many pages I'd filled over the years.

I walked over to the bookshelf, running my hands over all the older copies, I took them everywhere with me. I had every journal entry I'd ever written since I'd started writing them. I wonder what people would think if future archaeologists or historians found them and read through them all. I wonder if they would think child me was a dumb asshole, or if teenage me should have cut Dad more slack. Would they think I should be over this by now? Back to the old me? Who even was the old me? I don't think I could ever go back. I missed the hope I used to hold. I wondered if I'd find it, flicking through the pages of my old journals.

I turned around and caught myself in the mirror attached to the wardrobe door across the room. I walked up to it and looked at myself. I wasn't so upset about the scars on my face anymore, the replaced teeth that weren't quite the same as my real ones. I ran my thumb over the tips of my fingers, the nails had grown back in years ago but I still remember the feeling of them being ripped out. The burn when dirt would get into the holes left behind.

_ I turned to the side, spying more scars creeping up my back. I frowned, I barely had an untouched patch of skin now. I turned back around, facing the mirror and running my hands over the fading bullet scar on my lower left side. Even my hands had little silver scars across them. I should stop messing around and get dressed, instead of standing naked in front of someone else's mirror.  _

_ Warm arms slipped around my waist, and a breathy kiss was pressed to my neck. I looked up in the mirror, away from my war wounds and up at the blonde who was resting his head on my shoulder. I reached up to ruffle the slightly wet strands as my man stood behind me with just a towel wrapped around his waist. I leaned back into him and hummed contently. I never felt safer than when I was in his arms.  _

_ "You look beautiful today," he murmured, kissing down my neck and across my shoulder.  _

_ "Shut up," I shook my head.  _

_ "I'm serious," he told me, nibbling a spot he knew I liked, making me gasp. His hands slipped away from my waist and down to my legs. He gripped the skin on my thighs and continued his one man assault across my neck. He sucked a spot behind my ear, making me moan before he continued speaking. "If you need some extra convincing cutie," he pulled me closer to his hips and I could feel the rock hard erection pressing into my ass. "I'll be happy to help." he let out a growl and I giggled, trying to tug away from him as he pulled me back, peppering my face with kisses.  _

_ "We have time," I agreed easily. I spun around in his arms, reaching for the towel. "Feel free to start that convincing any time." _

"Hey listen I know you said.." I jumped out of my flashback to see Doc standing in the doorway and I growled in frustration.

"No," I told him. "No medicals, now fuck off before I lock that door again."

"What's your problem with medicals?" he asked. "Is it the no clothes thing or... because we can work around that."

"I don't have a problem with exposed skin," I told him. "I just don't like medicals, now leave me alone."

* * *

I pulled some sneakers on and headed out of the base, that is, once I was sure I wasn't going to run into the Purple People Eater anytime soon. Another thing I learned from York 'the great therapist' was running when I was emotional. If I was ever upset or angry I ran, and kept running until I felt better. He always used to talk about runner's high. You might feel like shit after you run but if you give it a bit, you feel really good after. Our bodies are designed to reward us for good practices, we get more energy from foods that are good for us, we get a rush of endorphins after sex and when we exercise, our bodies like it so they give us a boost. Or so he said anyway.

I could feel beads of sweat running down my neck, my hair swishing around me in the pony tail I'd tied it up in. My lungs burned, but it didn't feel quite enough. I decided on another lap of the bases. I knew the sun was setting and it must be pretty late, the others must be wondering where I was. I'd been ignoring them all since Doc had visited yesterday and then again today. Seemed like he was determined to get my clothes off one way or another. Maybe I could ask Wash to come with me, explain that I wasn't getting a physical, that I didn't need one. He knew my aversion and would have my back without asking questions.

I ran back to base, feeling the sweat soaking through my clothes more. I felt gross and needed a shower. I hated being this sweaty, it always made me remember being unable to get the grime off my skin. Made me think about them touching me, never being able to feel clean again. I shuddered as the sun finally set and I ran back through the base doors. I tore past whatever figure was in the shadows there, not caring who I ran past and went straight for the bathroom. I felt gross.

I threw myself inside, closing the door quickly behind me and started taking off my clothes. I kicked off my shoes and all my clothes were in a pool on the floor. I headed for the shower and turned it on quickly, heating it up to scalding temperatures and climbing in. My golden skin went red and steam filled the room, I let out a shaky breath. I'm okay.

"You're okay," I told myself as I leaned towards the shower wall, facing the grimy tiles. "Calm down. You're okay. Calm down."

There was a knock and the door and I jumped. I took a deep breath to calm myself down. I am okay. I pushed off the shower wall and turned down the water's temperature. I'm okay. The knock sounded again.

"Yeah?" I called, trying to keep my voice steady.

"You okay Newbie?" I heard Tucker yell.

"Yeah," I said, not particularly convincingly.

"Listen, it's not my business. I know that. But I'm here," he told me.

"Well I'm in here, so if you want to talk about it, it's going to have to be later," I yelled and I heard him chuckling.

"Could always join you in there," he said. "But I'll see you when you come out, we can chat if you want."

I didn't. I wanted to not feel like this. I wanted this chapter of my life over. I wanted to live my life free from fear. Free from these memories. Maybe I did want to talk about it. I sighed and turned the water off, grabbing a towel and drying myself off a little before heading back to my room to get dressed. I pulled on some clothes, not paying much attention to what I was throwing on.

I wandered around the base, looking for Tucker. He'd never actually told me where he'd be if I wanted to talk to him. I padded across the floor in my bare feet, the cold ground calming. I reached his bedroom door and knocked softly. It opened a few moments later and Tucker stared down at me. His dreads were loose around his face instead of pulled up out of the way like they usually were.

"I didn't think you'd actually come," he told me honestly.

"Neither did I," I told him.

"You uh... wanna come in?" he asked and I shook my head.

"Can we go to the roof?" I asked and he nodded. He stepped around me and closed the door behind him, walking in front of me as we made our way to the roof ramp. I perched on the edge by a large piece of wall and sighed, staring up at the night sky. It wasn't fair.

_ "I'm not going to give it to you, you might as well give up now. I'd never sell out like that," I said, licking the blood off my newly split lip. Not that it did much, fresh blood dropped down to the spot I'd just wiped clean.  _

_ "You really think you still have a choice, little princess?" he asked, head cocked to the side. He held my jaw in his hands, holding my head up to look at him as I no longer had the strength to hold it up myself. He smirked while I winced as he thumbed the cut, calloused fingertip rough on the soft skin. "If you wanna get cut up so unnecessarily, have it your way." _

_ "You know I don't," I turned my head to the side to spit out some blood. "I know I don't have a choice. I have to keep my mouth shut." _

_ "You seem to be running it just fine," he told me. He gestured to the armed guards either side of me who released the chains holding me up by my shackles. I dropped to the dusty ground, dirt getting into the fresh cuts. I let out a cry of pain as the drop bruised my naked knees. He grabbed me by my shoulder, dragging me over to the centre of the room.  _

_ "But I think I can figure out a better use for it," he told me.  _

_ I heard the noise of a zipper as I tried to push myself up out of the dirt. I looked up in shock as he was standing in front of me, fisting his cock with a smirk. My lower lip trembled. Don't cry. My upper lip curled up around my teeth. No. He wasn't going to do this. If he puts it in my mouth, I'm gonna bite it off. He smirked, as if knowing what I was going to do, he made another gesture to the guards and then I heard the clicking of the safety being removed from two handguns.  _

_ "You bite down, it'll be the last thing you ever do," he told me. "Now be a good girl, and relax that mouth of yours. We can stop for two reasons, one, I'm done or two, you decide to tell me that password. Got it?" _

_ I stared at him. He frowned, looking at me expectantly. I wasn't going to play along, I wasn't his little play thing. And I was seriously thinking about biting down. They'd never get the password then. But if I did, I'd never see my friends again, and I knew they were coming. My head snapped to the side. I felt the ache in my neck from the pain of being pushed so quickly before I felt the sting on my cheek. He'd just smacked me.  _

_ "I  _ **said** _ , got it?" he demanded. My jaw wobbled for a moment. I looked back at him, unable to reach up to the spot of impact or I'd fall on my face, my arms shaking and barely supporting me. "Never mind, you'll soon learn." _

_ He grabbed me by my hair and yanked me forward. I felt it hit the back of my throat and I choked, trying not to puke. I could barely breathe, tears welled up in my eyes and I tried not to panic. I couldn't breath. I shook on my arms, barely able to stay upright. My knees burned as I was being jerked back and forwards across the concrete. I gasped, trying to figure out what to do. Don't bite down. I wanted to scream but no sound came out. I wanted to demand he stop, to throw him away from me, but I couldn't.  _

"It's been years," I told Tucker eventually. I reached a hand up to my throat, I could still feel him there. I looked up at the purple sky, thousands of stars and I didn't recognise a single one. I rolled my shoulders. "Just over a decade. And I still can't forget."

"Maybe you shouldn't," Tucker told me. "I know it's painful and you'd rather forget it, whatever happened to you. But maybe you need to let go, not forget. Find a way you can accept what happened to you, and find a way to get past it."

"I know," I nodded. "And I wish I could get past this. But I still feel like I'm choking. I can't do anything without remembering what happened. I think I was close once, I was almost free. My team worked really hard with me to help me. But one by one they dropped out of my life. Some left the project, some died and then I was marooned in the fucking desert."

"Why do you think it's all coming back now?" Tucker asked. I shook my head. I didn't now.

"Wash," I said. And then I thought about it a little more. "I guess it's because I finally stopped. I've been consumed by finding them, trying to get back to my family. And then after years of searching, and finally finding Wash. I think either stopping and finally thinking about something else did it. Or being back with someone who was there."

"You feel like you're right back at square one?" he asked and I shook my head. I was doing okay. I was scared, I was broken, but I was doing just fine.

"I think I'm doing okay," I told him. He smiled softly at me.

"I think so too," he told me.

Eventually, he walked me back to my room and I looked at the large empty bed. I hadn't slept too well since I'd been in bed beside Wash. Maybe it wasn't York's theory, maybe I just needed to sleep knowing someone had my back. I turned to Tucker, he smiled softly at me, waiting as if he knew I had something else to say.

"Will you stay with me for a bit longer?" I asked and he nodded. He followed me inside and I perched on the side of the bed. "I'm tired but I'm a bit  _ wired _ , you know?"

"Yeah, I get it," he told me and perched on the other side. "I can stay until you fall asleep if you want."

I nodded with a small smile, sliding under the covers and relaxing into the pillows. Tucker sat beside me, legs stretched out in front of him, shoes hanging off the side. He rested one hand over the other on his lap and relaxed into the blankets. I looked up at him, he seemed relaxed, just as lazy as he did when he was laying on the couch while Caboose coloured. I could feel myself slipping in and out. A warm feeling sitting in the pit of my stomach, rather than the dread I'd felt earlier. Yeah, I just needed someone to watch my back.

* * *

I lay in the grass, sun shining on my face as I held my hands behind my head. I sat up again, starting to feel the burn in my muscles as I did. I lay back in the grass again, breathing out easily. I pushed myself up, abs starting to struggle as I did. I rolled onto my side, resting for a second before I lay stomach down on the ground. I spread my arms out and pushed up out of the grass. I lowered myself down, pushed myself up. Over and over and only paused when I saw purple boots in front of me. I faltered for a moment before sighing, resting on my knees and sitting up.

"Somebody better be dying," I grumbled.

"You could be," he replied. "And we'd never know because you won't get a medical."

"I like surprises," I countered and stood up in the grass, heading back towards the base. What did I do to deserve my purple stalker? I was good. Enough...

He didn't follow, thank god and I made my way to the rec-room, slumping down into the sofa. How did Tucker laze around on this all day? It was like laying on a bed of rocks. This thing was worse than the one back at the project and I'm pretty sure there was something growing on that. It was strangely green and glowing but even Wash couldn't identify it with his extensive plant knowledge. Still found myself laying on it after a night of heavy drinking though.

_ I blinked awake. I had finally lost it. That had to be it. I looked around with my eyes, too scared to move my stiff neck. The ceiling above me was beige and there were harsh  _ fluorescents _ illuminating it. The walls around me were also beige instead of the dingy brick walls I'd been surrounded by every other time I'd woken up. The room felt warm, I felt warm, I wasn't shivering. My skin didn't sting or feel grimy. I blinked. Was this a dream? _

_ "Hey," I heard beside me and jumped at the sound. "Easy baby, it's just me..." _

_ I looked up and couldn't clearly see the face hovering above me. There was a blurry peach face surrounded by a net of gold. Blue eyes stared down at me. She looked familiar, I was comfortable and not scared. I knew her, she looked after me. _

_ "Mom," I murmured. I nodded to myself. I was okay, I was safe. I closed my eyes again, I was tired.  _

Not every time I'd woken up in a hospital bed was bad. I was only so scared of physicals because they reminded me of the capture. All I needed to do was start associating them with the better times rather than the torture.

_ I felt like I was floating. I remembered I was here for some reason. I'm pretty sure it was a bad reason and I was going to be in trouble, but I felt so soft, so warm. I rolled my head to the side, my dad was sitting in the chair beside me, head resting on his fist, snoring lightly. I smiled at him. My dad was here. I looked around the room, there were a few machines with wires and the lights were low. This wasn't any place I'd been before.  _

_ "Dad?" I asked and he jerked awake. He looked worried for a second before he saw me staring up at him and he smiled softly. _

_ "Hey sweetie," he greeted. "You okay?" _

_ "Where are we?" I asked.  _

_ "The hospital," he told me, sitting forward. "You broke your arm. You got back from surgery a couple of hours ago. You feeling okay?" _

_ "I feel floaty," I told him.  _

_ "Floaty?" he smiled.  _

_ "And a little sleepy," I admitted, yawning lightly.  _

_ "Okay sweetie, you go back to sleep," he told me. "You feel anything other than floaty you wake me, aright?" _

_ I nodded and watched him sit back in his chair, he smiled at me one more time and I smiled back. My eyes felt so heavy. I needed sleep. I closed them and relaxed into the pillow. I would be okay, my arm might hurt tomorrow, but my dad was here.  _

I opened my eyes from the small nap I was having because I felt like someone was watching me. Looking at the foot of the couch I saw Doc standing there. I jumped, it was like something out of a horror movie.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" I demanded and threw myself up off the couch, running out of the room. I headed out of the base and ran up to the roof. I didn't care if I couldn't escape him up here, if he did follow, I'd shove him off.

  
  



	6. Chapter 6

**_Present Day..._ **

Main POV

I wandered around the base, everyone else was outside doing whatever it was they usually did before I got here. There was so much disused space around here. I could build myself a gym. Course, I didn't have the equipment. Although with the stories I'd been hearing about the longer I stayed here, something else we could use was in infirmary. I'd thought about building one a couple of times now over the past few days. I wandered into a rookie's bedroom that was a little larger than the usual two person bedroom and was filled with a row of three sets of bunk beds. The room next to it was exactly the same. I opened all the other room doors, they were filled with either one or two single beds.

I walked into one with two single beds and pulled them out into the hallway where I'd left my old bed. I shoved them all further down the hall for more space and started rearranging the bedrooms so I could fit as many beds as comfortably possible in the unused rooms. I shoved four single beds into one of the former three bunk rooms and started lining them up like the freelancer ward used to have them. I found an old desk in one of the rooms and shoved it in the back of the room. I shoved in some more furniture, a bookcase, a table. It was really starting to look like a hospital.

"What are you up to? This looks just like a med-bay," I heard and turned to see Doc. I sighed.

"Yeah," I nodded. "That's the idea."

"How come, I thought you didn't like medical stuff," he said.

"I said I didn't like getting physicals, that doesn't mean I don't want a comfortable place to die when Caboose inevitably sets fire to the base and kills us all," I replied.

"Fair enough," he nodded. "Is there something I can help you with?"

"You wanna make this place your own?" I asked. "I imagine you'll be the one comforting us while we all die, so you might as well personalise the place a bit."

"Can I hang my motivational posters in here?" he asked and I raised an eyebrow. I rested a hand on my hip.

"I don't see why not," I told him and even through his armour he beamed.

"Sweet! Hang in there kitty!" he said and ran off, presumably to go and get them.

I went through to the kitchen to start getting lunch ready, glad I'd managed to keep the purple demon busy for at least a little while. Wash walked into the mess just as I'd finished, looking a little sweaty and annoyed. I raised an eyebrow at him and he shook his head at me, reaching for an MRE instead. He hopped up into the counter beside me and started pouring the food straight into his mouth. I chuckled, sticking a spoon in mine and scooping the food into my mouth.

"What have you been up to?" he asked.

"Rearranging furniture for the sake of it," I shrugged. "What's that purple dude's deal?"

"Ugh, Captain ‘thinks he knows best’? Don't get me started on him. We have history, I once had to run a mission with him and it was one of the most painful experiences of my life," he told me and I laughed. "He has been hanging around here a lot lately, he normally hangs out at Red base, I think he has a thing with Donut but they always swear they're just best friends."

"I mean, we're best friends and we do a lot of shit that outsiders would read a lot into," I shrugged. "I mean, you've seen me naked. All those times you helped me shower after the capture incident. But if we just told everyone that you'd seen me naked everyone would assume it's for some other reason."

"That's true I guess," he replied. "But I don't pat you on the knee when we sit together on the couch and call you sweetie."

"You never know, the occasion might call for it," I shrugged and he laughed. "Not a single scenario comes to mind.."

_ I sat in my hospital bed, warm and cozy now every time I got a visitor someone dropped off a new pair of my pyjamas. I had the blanket my abuelita had made me when I was little, before my dad and I had moved to New Alexandria, draped over me. I didn't remember much of her, but I was pretty grateful one of her hobbies was quilting. I looked up and saw Wash headed my way, pyjamas rolled up under his arm and holding something else in his hand. He reached me and put the pjs on the countertop behind my bed and handed me what he'd been carrying. Chocolate. I smiled softly. I'd been kidding that day in the shower but, whenever they got the chance my team brought many offerings to appease the psycho freelancer.  _

_ "Hey you," he said sitting down beside me. "How you feeling today?" _

_ "A little better, less violent," I shrugged.  _

_ "Oh no," he gasped. "You're losing your freelancer powers." _

_ I snorted, then broke out into a full belly shaking laugh. Wash always knew just what to say. I reached up to rub the back of my neck, it was why I wanted to ask him something. He was my best friend for a reason. I could trust him and ask him all the stupid questions. I picked at the guards over my fingertips, protecting my hands until the nails fully grew back.  _

_ "Can I ask you something," I said awkwardly, feeling myself go a little pink around the neck and cheeks.  _

_ "Yeah," he agreed. "What's up, what do you need?" _

_ "Nothing I just.." I sighed. "It's stupid." _

_ "No it's not," he told me. "You've seen me almost die because Delta told me I could eat inside my helmet." _

_ "Technically you can," I replied.  _

_ "Yeah not the mark I had," Wash grumbled. "But regardless, I'm stupid, you're cute. So what's up?" _

_ "You really think so?" I asked and he paused.  _

_ "That you're cute?" he said and I nodded. "Of course I do." _

_ "So you don't think I'm really ugly now? With all these scars? The burns, the cuts, the dark circles that won't go away?" I asked. He shook his head. He looked at me for a moment and sighed, pushing himself up from his chair and walking over to the bed. He wrapped his arms tightly around me.  _

_ "I love you, you're my best friend. I could never, ever think, for even a second, that you were in any way ugly.. or pathetic or deserve anything that happened to you. Okay? I know you don't like what you see right now, but that's because bad people did bad things, not because of anything you did do, or could have done differently. You're beautiful, Dee. Inside and out, no matter what you think," he told me and then pressed a soft gentle kiss to my forehead.  _

_ "I love you too," I told him, mumbling into his t-shirt. "That's why I couldn't tell them anything, no matter how hard they tried to get the password out of me. I love you all far too much to let them get any kind of advantage over us." _

"You still think there's nothing wrong with me?" I asked, looking over at him. He raised a brow at me.

"Psychologically or..?" he asked and I shoved him.

"After all the torture, you still think I look okay?" I asked. He nodded.

"You're basically an old woman now, and you'll probably start getting greys if you haven't already, but you're still cute," he told me and I laughed. I knew he was going to get me back for the greys I'd pointed out on the side of his face. "What brought this on? You doing okay?"

"I've not spent this much time out of uniform since before I was in the desert," I told him. "Feels weird."

"I forgot what I looked like for a little while," he nodded. "And when I finally took my helmet off I was a lot older."

"I feel bad for you," I smiled. "You're so old now. Nearly thirty two. What must it be like to be that old. I can't even imagine it."

"I'm still young enough to kick your ass, you young whipper snapper. When I was your age, I knew better than to trash talk my elders," he scolded and I laughed.

"You seriously think you can kick my ass?" I teased.

"Yeah, next time you feel like training, you let me know," he goaded. "This old man is gonna knock you on your ass."

"It's a date."

* * *

I stayed up that night, going through various rooms in the base, trying to see if there was actually anything I could scavenge to make myself a gym. It seemed so weird there was a base that didn't have any kind of training equipment, but then again, considering this was a former Red and Blue base, maybe it wasn't that weird. I was still raking through cupboards when Tucker found me the next day.

"What are you doing?" Tucker asked from the doorway. "Is this why Caboose woke me up last night because a ghost was wandering the halls making scary noises?"

"I wanna build a gym," I said with a shrug. "How come there's no equipment?"

"There's a set of dumbbells in my room, I borrowed them because no one else was using them," he told me. "I wanted to get more fit after we got more and more visits from various freelancers demanding we go off on missions with them."

"Fair enough," I shrugged. "I suppose I can keep to what I was doing. Having a special dank room just for some old weights is a bit sad anyway. I'm just bored."

"You could always come draw with me and Caboose," he offered and I raised a brow. He chuckled. "Yeah, didn't think so. But you know where we are if you change your mind."

I climbed down off the chair I was standing on to go through the top shelf of a wardrobe and dusted myself off. I checked my laces and started at a jog out of the base. Maybe I could run some laps in the sunshine. While wandering around in the desert had loaded me up with vitamin D, all the years on a spaceship did make me miss the sun. I felt the heat beating down on my back as I ran for Red base, turning once I got there and made my way to Blue. Over and over and over again.

"Come on York, where's your demon magic now?" I demanded running harder.

_ York tossed me over his shoulder and slammed me into the not very soft, blue, training mat on the gym floor. I let out a groan and lay there for a moment. Was I always this bad or was I just really out of shape? I pushed myself up and sat there for a moment, almost ready to give up for the night. _

_ "Come on, Newbs, you fought Tex the very first time we met and held your own against her. Then you knocked over Wash and Wyoming for good measure. What's up with you?" He moved to sit beside me, crossing his legs and reached a hand over to pat my knee lightly.  _

_ "Sorry, I'm just distracted," I told him, running a hand through my escaped bangs. "I've got a lot on my mind." _

_ "I know you do, and I'm always here if you wanna talk. You know that, right?" he asked, looking at me with his good eye.  _

_ "Yeah I know." I looked down at my lap. I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes. My lower lip trembled and I took a deep breath. "I just, I don't know this is what I want anymore. I joined up after my dad died so I could be closer to him. When I got booted from UNICOM the Project seemed like my last hope. After everything that's happened now, I'm not sure hope is the word I'd use to describe this place. I thought I was doing something good. Now, I'm not so sure." _

_ "I've felt like that before," he responded after a moment. "A lot actually. After Connie died Carolina told me what she'd been saying to Tex. I began to wonder. When we lost you everyone was heartbroken. You're kind of the unofficial little sister around here. I was so angry when the Director originally wanted to just remote access your suit. Or when he then suggested a simple retrieval of it, to go that far and not take you home with us. And when we found out what they'd been doing to you while we argued about it, only made me even more angry. We could have rescued you earlier, we could have followed you somehow, saved you from all that pain. I know I can't have been the only one to wonder in those times if we were really the good guys. If we were so good, then how could we just leave you with them? How could we let them get away with what happened?" _

_ "It wasn't your fault, you know," I told him, pulling my knees up to my chest and hugging them tightly. "I know you wanted to come save me. I always knew you'd come, I knew I just had to wait it out. And I know you feel bad for not getting there quicker, for only giving us instructions for one kind of lock, for not reaching North and I quicker. But all of that was out of your control, and I don't blame you." _

_ "I know," he nodded, reaching over to ruffle my hair. "But we've all felt doubt on whether or not we're doing the right thing, especially if you think about what we actually do for a living. We're soldiers, we're said to be the ones who protect our people, our countries and our planets but really, we're just killers. We kill people and we tell ourselves that we're doing the right thing, that the people we fight are bad and we demonise them." _

_ "Are you okay, York?" I asked. He was being so serious, he was usually so laid back. And he was glaring at the floor with so much hatred.  _

_ "Yeah I'm okay baby," he told me. "I'm just saying, your doubt right now is perfectly normal. All the stuff you feel, the anger, the fear and the hatred, it's all normal. And I understand you completely, I'm here for you through all that. But I wouldn't be a very good friend if I didn't ask you to let this go. I know that it's hard but you have to remember that all you hold on to can only ever hurt you. You have to learn to let things go. It's how you heal, how you get stronger and how you make yourself whole again. You don't ever let the horrors of your past drag you down and hurt you. You just let them go and swim to the surface." _

_ Swim to the surface, that was a good way to put it. I constantly felt like I was drowning, not treading water. And I was being dragged down, but I didn't know how to free myself. The tears that had been welling up in my eyes and clouding my vision finally broke their damn. Hot, salty tears flooded my cheeks and I let out a whining sob. York put an arm around my shoulders and pulled me in close. I turned my head to bury it in his chest and he wrapped his arms tightly around me. I clung to him, shaking as I cried. He rubbed my back softly as I let it all out, having learned over the past few months that if I held onto the tears I'd only have a more epic tantrum later. He was right, maybe like with the tears I was just going to have to let it all go, instead of holding it tightly to me, worried if I let go, I wouldn't be me anymore. Worried if I let it all go, I'd be left as nothing. I'd be weak. _

But I'm not nothing. And I'm not weak either. If I was weak, I wouldn't still be here, after all these years. I slowed down when I got closer to Blue base, jogging instead of running at full pelt. I could feel my lungs burning, like they were on fire. I leaned over my knees, coughing with the pain. My clothes were soaked through with sweat.

I walked into the base after a few moments of regaining myself. I felt a little better, lighter even. Seems like even from beyond the grave York always had my back. Good old therapist York. I smiled and went to the mess to grab a bottle of water. I chugged it down greedily and then poured some over my face and neck, letting it cool my body temperature down. I took it with me, taking the occasional swig as I walked towards the bathroom to take a much needed shower. I paused outside the door after hearing clattering coming from the infirmary I'd just built. I let out a groan. Please don't let it be Caboose trashing the place.

I walked away from the bathroom and headed further down the hall to my project. I twisted the knob, pushing the door open to see Doc in there. I sighed in relief, not Caboose. And Doc was only clattering around because he was unpacking things. I noticed his desk was covered in cute stationary and he had a jar of jelly beans sitting there. I smiled softly. I looked up at him to see him stood in front of the long metal table I'd put in here in case he needed to operate on someone. He had a large cardboard box that he was unloading the contents of onto a metal butchers trolley.

_ I fought against the hold of the guards holding me steady. One of them was forcing my jaws apart as I fought, teeth gnashing as I tried to bite his fingers off to keep me safe. I screamed out in frustration, unable to break free of their hold. My torturer was standing there, by his silver butchers trolley smirking as he cleaned the blood from his combat knife. I could feel the blood trickling down my skin, catching on what little cloth covering I had. He stalked over like a predator eyeing up his prey. I saw a flash of metal before his hands were in my mouth too, the jaws of his pliers clamping around one of my molars and tugging on it. I let out a scream just in time for him to rip one from it's home in my mouth. I choked on the blood gushing down my throat. The guards let go of my mouth and I threw my head forward, coughing and spluttering as I did. I spit out all I could from my mouth, leaning over my body and trying to let the residual blood drain out of my mouth, so I wouldn't choke to death on it. _

I blinked away the memory. It was just Doc. The man in purple looked at me, cocking his head in confusion as I stood in the doorway, struggling to stand upright. He tossed whatever he was holding up and down in his hands and I shivered. Every time I blinked I had to shake myself out of it, it was just Doc. He's not here. It's just Doc.

"Are you okay?" he asked. I shook my head.

"I'm uh, I'm a little uncomfortable right now," I managed to stutter out.

_ I tried to yank my hand out of his grasp and he chuckled, his superior sized hands pinning mine to the tabletop. He gripped hard to one of my fingers as I wiggled them away, trying desperately to get my hand away. I screamed, the dried blood around my mouth cracking and falling off in flakes. I let out a sob as he clamped the pliers down on my fingernail and ripped it straight out. I shook in the guard's hold and struggled to keep myself together.  _

"Why? Is this why you don't like physicals, are you scared or something?" he asked and followed my gaze to the butchers trolley. "Oh, do you have some kind of fear of trolleys?"

"More like the things that go on them," I replied, shaking uncontrollable. At some point I'd dropped the open water bottle I'd been holding.

_ "I can make this all stop Princess," my torturer said as he held my jaw in his hand. "All you have to do is give me sixteen digits. Just sixteen characters and I promise this will all stop for you." _

_ "No," I sobbed. "I can't." _

_ "Stop being loyal to them, they're not coming," he screamed. "Are you really willing to put yourself through all of this for some company? Just tell me the password." _

_ "No," I cried out. I shook my head. "No, no, no, no.." _

_ "Have it your way," he said and pried my jaws open again, pliers clamping down on another tooth. I screamed out, even though I knew I'd choke on the blood spurts. I did want all this to stop, but I couldn't give up. I just had to hold out a little longer. My friends were coming. They're coming. _

A real scream fell from my lips before I could stop it and I pushed myself backward away from the man in purple. I knew it was just Doc, but I couldn't not see my torturer. The man without sleeves. I kept screaming, it was like I was back there. Like I was still there, like I'd never left. My heart was racing, pulse hammering in my ears. I couldn't think about anything else. I needed to get away, I slipped in the puddle of water, landing on the ground. I kicked my legs out in front of me, pushing myself further away from the room, wet shoes squeaking on the polished concrete.

"No!" I cried out. "Please no!" I screamed out. This had to stop. I needed this to stop. I could hear running up the corridor behind me as I screamed and thrashed wildly. I couldn't get out of this one, I couldn't calm myself down, I couldn't think. There was screaming all around me, not just mine. I didn't know what was happening around me, just that I was still in the grasps of the soldiers who hurt me.

* * *

Tucker POV

Wash and I were sat in the rec-room, nothing but awkward silence between us as we shared a beer, Caboose sitting between us on the floor, continuing to draw. Neither Wash nor I wanted to address the proverbial elephant in the room. Maybe we would, at some point, but not this afternoon. I snapped my head up, I thought I heard.. something. A scream echoed throughout the base and Wash's head snapped up. Another scream I was sure we both heard this time and we were both leaping up off the couch and running full pelt towards the source.

"Caboose, stay here!" I yelled over my shoulder at him.

I tore ass as fast as I could down the corridor towards the base's bedrooms, hot on Wash's heels. The screaming was louder, more frantic sounding. I knew it was Newbie's now. I could see her up ahead crawling backwards across the floor and out of the room she was in the doorway of. Doc was standing in the doorway, trying desperately to calm her down, but I didn't think she could actually hear anyone or anything. She was gripping at her head and rocking as she curled up around her knees.

"Diana!" Wash screamed as he reached her, dropping down to her side.

"What the hell happened?" I demanded, looking between Newbie and the Doc.

"I don't know," he replied frantically. "She said she was uncomfortable but before I could find out why she was screaming!"

"Tucker, get him out of here!" Wash demanded as he sat in front of a screaming Newbie. I knelt in front of her for a moment.

"Newbs, it's okay," I told her as she sobbed.

"Please stop," she sobbed and I knew she wasn't talking to me.

"We're here," I told her.

"Tucker, get him away from her," Wash demanded. "Get away from her."

"If it's so goddamn important, you get rid of him, I wanna help my friend," I yelled at him, turning away from her for a moment.

"You wanna help her so badly do as I've asked," he snapped and I watched her shake for a moment, reaching out to her and she flinched away.

I nodded, I realised, I didn't really know what I was doing. I was out of my depth here. I was good at helping her when she was crying, all I had to do was hold her, but while she wasn't in her own mind I didn't know how to bring her back. Her and Wash went way back, he knew. She needs help, but it's not important who from, just that she gets it. She let out a harrowing sob and I pushed myself up.

"Doc," I told him. "Just go back in there. She'll be okay but you need to step away."

He nodded, agreeing quickly and stumbling back into the makeshift infirmary. I followed him inside and closed the door behind us, leaving Wash to calm down and help Newbie however he could. I could calm down Doc, explain what was happening somehow, I hoped. I wished it was me, there with her, holding her tight and keeping her safe from harm. But, I'd just met her, there wasn't anything I could do. I didn't know what she'd been through, or what would help. I'd just be getting in the way.

"She's obviously got some kind of trauma," Doc said once he'd calmed himself down and the sounds of screams had faded away. "I didn't realise. Of course that was why she was refusing physicals, god Frank, you're so stupid."

"Doc, it's not your fault, you were just trying to do your job. You didn't know," I told him.

"I guess it's hardly surprising, what we've heard about Project Freelancer from Wash," Doc muttered.

"Yeah, up until Wash, I always thought they were the bad guys. They'd always show up, boss us around and send us on some stupid mission," I agreed. "And after what Bentley said it only proved the only one we could trust was Wash, and maybe Carolina if she was in a good mood."

"It's hard to think of them being victims in this as well," Doc said. "But whatever happened to her, she's going to need the support of more than just Wash."

"Yeah the thing is I don't know how," I raised my voice, frustrated. "Wash just fixed himself on his own, we were just there."

"That's, well that's not the case at all. There is a part in overcoming something that's dependent on you wanting to get better, in knowing you have a problem. But it has a lot to do with influences. You just weren't consciously doing anything with Wash, because all his issues were underlying, kept hidden. He was a lot more closed off when we met him. New Hampshire is different, she's more open about her emotions, even when she is keeping things for us, it's because she doesn't want to be emotional. She already wants to change, but she doesn't quite know how. And that's the problem," Doc explained. I wasn't aware he'd studied her this much. But maybe that was just his talent, reading people. Or it was when he'd been lurking around the base these past few days.

"So what do I do?" I demanded.

"You do what you're already doing Tucker," Doc told me. "Come on, stop pretending you're not emotionally intelligent. You've been working on everyone who comes into your life. That's why you've managed to get somewhere with Caboose when everything Donut and I have tried is failing."

"But with Caboose I'm just doing what you're doing. Every day. I just kept trying," I argued.

"Well, do that with her," Doc said and I sighed.

"This is going to hurt, isn't it?" I asked. He just nodded.

* * *

Washington POV

I wanted to confront Tucker about Dee. But, how? She was just my friend, I couldn't call dibs, she might not even feel that way about me. And she wasn't a thing I could call dibs on. She was a person, and if she caught me doing as much she'd beat me up and never talk to me again. I as usual, I didn't realise how I felt until it was too late. When we were kids I realised just before I moved and I thought I would never see her again. When she joined the project I didn't realise until York told North he wasn't going to ask Newbie out after all because she was too head over heels for the idiot in purple. And again after she got out of Ward 2 and un-article twelve-ed. I'd visited her everyday in there, and helped her get back to her old self enough to get released. I wondered if that was a mistake.

Her screams echoed in the back of my mind, just as the tortured memories of Epsilon used to when he'd been implanted and I'd spent time in Ward 2. Maybe I was wrong to think her release was a mistake. After all, she visited me everyday until she was sent on the away mission she supposedly died on. I was allowed out for her funeral, I should have believed North, telling me she was alive. My head was just spinning from Epsilon and his memories about Alison and Tex. If I had, maybe we could have found her.

My head snapped up. Those weren't echoes, those were real. Another scream made its way to us and I leapt up beside Tucker, running as fast as my legs would carry me. I heard him yell something to Caboose, but didn't take much notice. I had one priority. One. I screamed out to her. I slid across the concrete dropping at her side as she rocked herself back and forth. I hadn't seen a panic attack like this since the start. Panic attack, maybe that was wrong. She'd been triggered into a full blown PTSD flashback.

"What the hell happened?" I heard Tucker cry out as I tried to sooth Dee.

"Tucker! Get him out of here!" I yelled, knowing his presence would do her no favours. I needed to reduce the amount of people around her. If I could just get her to see it was the two of us, maybe she'd calm down. New people had to go. Tucker ignored me, kneeling beside us instead. Now he wanted to play the hero?

"Newbs, it's okay," he said.

"Please stop," she sobbed, not talking to either of us.

"We're here," Tucker said, his words falling on deaf ears.

"Tucker, get him away from her," I ordered. "Get away from her."

"If it's so goddamn important, you get rid of him, I wanna help my friend," he yelled back. I almost knocked him right out. This wasn't the time to be having this argument. Maybe later I needed to put some protocols in place with the guys to deal with this. I thought it was over, that this wouldn't happen anymore. That was naive 

"You wanna help her so badly, do as I've asked," I said through bared teeth. He looked at her for a moment before pulling back and nodding. Though not before trying to reach out to her and making her shrink back away from him. She could see some of what was going on, even if she was overcome with memories. "It's David."

"Please, just kill me," she begged. "I won't tell you."

"Diana, you're having a flashback," I told her. The counsellor always assured me that letting her know something she was experiencing wasn't real, not anymore, would help. But I didn't have a lot of faith in the man. "I need you to take deeper breaths for me."

"Make it stop," she whimpered. "No more."

"I'm here, Dee, it's me David," I told her. "Please breath, these are memories. It's all over now."

She screamed again, she was covered in tears. Was it better to ride this one out? It had been so long, she wasn't listening to me. Maybe I wasn't able to bring her back anymore. Damn it. I took a deep breath, getting worked up over this wouldn't help her. I exhaled, feeling my heavy breath on my chest as I blew out.

"Where are you right now, what do you see?" I asked her. " _ Diana,  _ talk to me," I said more firmly.

"The dusty floor, it burns my skin. It's too much, it's all too much. Why can't it just be over. I won't say anything. I promise I won't say anything. I can't. Please stop, just stop," she stuttered out. "NO MORE."

"You're not there," I told her. "That's a memory. You're in Blue Base. You're with me, David. You're having a flashback."

"I can't be back," she muttered. "It's over."

"It is, you're here with me. David. Take a deep breath, it's over," I told her. I slowly moved my hands forward, I'd been trying not to touch her this whole time, trying not to make things worse. I took her hands in mine, holding them gently.

"It's over," she nodded, squeezing my hands. "It's over."

"Take a deep breath," I told her and she breathed in, shaking as she did. "Now out, slowly."

"David," she said, looking at me this time.

"Yeah," I nodded. "Where are you right now?"

"Blue base," she whispered. "In the corridor, with you. I can see the blue light strip a foot off the ground, the polished concrete ceiling, you, the rusty doorknob to Tucker's bedroom, my dropped water bottle."

"And touch?" I asked her, remembering the only useful thing to ever come out of York's mouth. He'd taught her to ground herself by playing this game a real counsellor taught his little sister.

"Your hands," she said, pulling one hand free and placing it on the cold floor. "The concrete, slightly damp from the water," she brought a hand up to move some hair away from her face before holding her collar away from her neck. "my sweaty hair, my shirt."

"What do you hear?" I asked her, watching the rise and fall of her chest slow down. She gripped the one hand she did hold, very tightly. She breathed out heavily, sucking in another breath. Maybe I was doing this too fast. She took more deep breaths, breathing out hard enough I felt it fanning across my face.

"My heartbeat," she told me. "It's hammering in my ears, it's so loud. Louder than the sound of my own screams echoing off the walls of that dank room. Louder than the chuckles of that man when he was ripping out my teeth."

"I know," I told her. "But he's not here anymore. And you are. You're not back there, you're never going back there. You're here with me and that's where you're gonna stay, as long as you want to. We're here."

"I hear you too, the sound of you breathing, trying to calm yourself down as I'm sobbing in front of you," she told me, looking guilty. I frowned. This wasn't about me. "I'm so sorry," she cried out. "I thought this was over, I wish it was over, that I didn't feel like this."

"You can't help the way you feel," I told her. "Sometimes I think all the memories are gone and I'm completely better, not broken anymore. But then I get a smell, a sound, I walk past a familiar place. And suddenly I'm seeing some woman I don't even know's face, begging her to come back. I see all the scenarios of how I let everyone down, but it wasn't really me. I don't think you ever really escape it, you just get better dealing with it. But you don't have to do it alone, I'm here with you."

"I know," she said. "I just wish you didn't have to be."

"Well you should have thought about that before you came up to me that day in the dirt, asking me about Gavin and Michael and why I had a bruise on my knee," I told her. "Because we're stuck with each other, until the end of time."

"You promise?" she asked, new tears falling down her cheeks. I reached up to thumb them away.

"I promise," I told her, nodding softly. She smiled weakly at me, gulping down another breath.

"Duck Tales," she said and I pulled back a bit, shooting her a look.

"What?"

"Duck Tales," she told me. "The TV in the rec-room is playing cartoons, someone turned up the volume and I can hear it, it's so quiet now."

"Caboose probably turned it up," I told her. Great. How was I going to talk him through this one?

"I smell like shit," she told me. "And you still smell like apple body wash."

"I  _ like  _ my apple body wash," I defended and she chuckled.

"Me too," she told me. "It smells like you."

"And taste?" I asked her.

"Is spit a taste?" she asked me. "Because I'm pretty sure I was drooling a little bit."

"It'll do," I shrugged and pushed myself up off the ground. I offered her my other hand and she held it tightly, using both to pull herself up. She wrapped her arms around me, forcing me into a surprise hug and holding onto me like I was the only thing tethering her to the planet. I held her back just as firm, resting my chin on her sweaty head, breathing in the scent of her hair. I forgot how terrifying this was, losing her to herself.

"I need to shower," she announced. "I feel gross."

"You can use mine," I told her, walking her to my room, trying not to make the joking comment I would have, had she been fine. Agreeing with her, that she did feel gross. She walked along the extent of the corridor, holding my hand tightly. Once inside I slipped my fingers from hers, going to my dresser to grab her a t-shirt and boxers, hoping the familiar smell might be a comfort to her, letting her know I was always there with her. She stood by the bathroom door, shaking slightly, looking awkward.

"Are you okay?" I asked her.

"Will you come with me?" she asked. "They might come back.."

"They won't," I told her. She shot me a look and I nodded, following her over to the door and inside the bathroom. I watched her turn on the water, steam rising off the shower floor. I sat down on the closed toilet, trying to collect myself. What did I do now? She pulled off her shirt and pushed down her jeans, the fabric pooling on the floor. Her underwear was next to go and she stepped into the spray. I frowned, her skin was turning an angry red almost instantly. I watched the steam roll out of the shower and across the bathroom, the mirror was already fogged up.

"You're burning yourself," I told her and she ignored me, leaning her head forward into the spray. I pushed myself up and marched across the bathroom. "Dee stop, it's too hot, you'll burn," I demanded, reaching in to adjust the temperature.

"I can still fucking feel them, Wash," she yelled. "Every time I get sweaty I feel like I'm in that damp fucking cell in the middle of nowhere, the humidity beating me down, the no sunlight room. The dirt and dust from the ground, being covered in my own blood. I feel disgusting. Every time I get sweaty I always feel like I'm back there, with their hands on me. I feel like it's his hands in my hair as I'm fucking choking on his cock and I feel like it's his hands on my hips as I'm scrambling to get away from him on the floor, tearing up my own knees."

"I know," I told her. "And you can shower off the sweat, you can use the physical action to make you feel like you're washing off the memory but I won't just stand her and watch you hurt yourself. Find another way, turn the water down, use soap. Don't burn yourself."

"David," she gasped as I reached forward to take her arm and pull her out of the water. Other hand darting into the scalding water to adjust the knobs. North mentioned this once, after a particularly bad day they'd had, he'd found her in the communal locker-room shower, sitting in the scalding spray. He'd been cut up, turned the water off and held her, and that was years after what happened, once they finally got together. I didn't know she still did it.

"Please," I begged her. "Don't do this."

I let go of her arm and she stood there, the now cooler water bouncing off the floor and the wall, her skin and hitting me, soaking through my t-shirt. She stared at me, motionless with the same expression on her face. She didn't know what to do or say, I'd caught her off guard. I stared back at her, I hadn't meant to just grab her like that, I was so worried I just acted. She threw herself forward, wrapping her arms around me again and letting out a new sob. Great, I might as well be in the shower. I sighed as I was covered from neck to foot in water.

"I'm sorry," she said after a little while.

"Don't be," I grumbled. "Just try and keep yourself safe, please. I think you might be the reason I've got greys this young."

"Oh I'm definitely the reason you have greys this young," she told me. "But I'll try and find a new way to wash away the feeling."

"That's all I ask," I sighed. She let me go eventually and went back to showering. I slipped out of the room to change, take off my soaking wet shoes. A morning on the roof would dry them out no problem. I ducked back in and she was turning the water off, wrapping herself in a towel and I gave her some privacy to dress. I was sitting on the bed when she finished, padding over to me and perching beside me. She pulled her knees up to her chest, resting her head on them.

  
  



	7. Chapter 7

**_Several Years Ago..._ **

North Dakota POV

I stretched, groaning as I felt the tug on my newly _ barely  _ healed wound. I just needed to keep it together until the mission was over. It didn't matter how long I was out of commission for then, because she'd be home. I couldn't believe I'd been so stupid, letting her go in alone like that. I should have found another way. We could have radioed York, had him walk us through the lock. Gone in from a different door. Blasted a hole through the side of the base, it didn't matter, so long as I didn't leave her. I asked for her to be added to that mission, I thought I was helping her. It was her first damn mission on the team.

"Hey," I turned at the sound of my sister's voice. We were the only ones left in the locker room now.

"Hey yourself, stranger," I replied. "I haven't seen you in days."

"I've been training," she told me. "You should be resting right now."

"I'm about to go on a mission South," I shook my head.

"You're not fully recovered, you should be resting. You should still be in that infirmary," she scolded. "Instead you're going out there, risking your life and for what, some armour?"

"I'm going out there and risking my life for some _ one _ who saved  _ mine _ ," I said back angrily. This was about more than what the Director wanted.

"If she hadn't have gotten discovered, she wouldn't have had to," South argued. "This is exactly why the Director hadn't put her on any missions yet, she's too green. And you interfered with that, and then she went and got herself captured. And you shouldn't be risking your life to bring back some liability."

"I know that!" I yelled. "Don't you think I know this is all my fault, that if I hadn't have pushed for her she wouldn't be there, if I hadn't sent her in alone she wouldn't be there, if I had've paid more attention she wouldn't have had to leap in front of a head shot. But she's not a liability, these were all  _ my  _ calls. I'm the fucking liability, and I need to make up for that."

"No you don't," she told me. "This isn't your fault, this is  _ hers _ . And you don't need to go risk your life to fix mistakes that aren't yours."

"Can I ask you something," I said.

"What?" she recoiled, expecting more yelling, not the calm question she was getting.

"Did you ever like her? From the minute you first saw her with me in the corridor before she even joined up, did you ever once try? Have you ever liked her? Or is she just some liability to you? Some nuisance? Some gum on your shoe?" I asked.

"No," she nodded. "You're right, I never liked her. She's not some gum on my shoe, some nuisance. She's a bimbo making heart eyes at my brother, and she's going to get him killed because of it."

"So that's how it is, is it?" I asked. She didn't want her in our lives, and if she was going far enough as to ask me not to go on this mission then she would never accept her. Which meant  _ our _ lives had to become her life and mine. I watched her glare venomously at me, waiting for me to say something else. I nodded at her. "I've got a mission to go on. And I might not see you for a while when I get back."

"I don't think I want to see you when you get back anyway," she told me and stormed out of the locker room. I headed out the other way, headed for the cargo bay, knowing we were about to ship out. Everyone was ready to go when I got to the drop ship, the engine was running and even through her helmet, I could see Tex glaring at me from the open back door.

"You're late," she scolded.

"Sorry," I muttered and strapped myself in.

"Dude, what took you so long?" York asked as the door closed and we started lifting off. "We were about to leave without you."

"I have a feeling, that's what South had planned," I replied. "She didn't have to convince me, just argue with me long enough that you did."

"You spoke to South?" he asked and I nodded.

"You know how you're always telling me six years is nothing and if I like Newbie, I should just go for it?" I asked and he nodded. "South doesn't feel the same. She doesn't even think I should be going on this mission, that anyone should."

"That doesn't surprise me," I heard Tex mutter from across the ship.

"So you gonna shoot your shot?" York asked me.

I didn't know. I knew I liked her, I always thought I was just helping out a friend when I got her into the project. I thought the reason we got along so well was because we were friends and we were. But I'd made up my mind about how I felt when I saw her on New Years, that's why I wandered around with that damn camera all night, trying to keep myself busy. And then she kissed me and I was lost for a moment. I don't know if it was really the age gap that was holding me back, but kissing her felt wrong. Like I was stealing away the best years of her life from her. But that wasn't my choice to make. I was treating her like a kid and that wasn't fair.

"Let's just get her within range," I replied.

"You ever hurt her and I'll eject you out the airlock," Tex yelled.

"And out into space," Wash agreed.

"I'll keep that in mind," I nodded. I turned to York, despite his encouragement up until this point, he might just have been being Newbie's wingman. I wanted to know what he really thought. "York?"

"Yeah?" he asked.

"If I did like her back," I started. "I mean, she's six years younger. She wasn't even in high school when I was graduating. I was in the military two years before she was even starting. You don't think it's weird?"

"No," York shook his head. "She's not a child anymore dude, if she thinks you're the guy the only question you have to ask yourself is if she's the girl. She can make her own choices, it's not up to you to decide for her if she can handle it. And yeah, if you were dating someone like, ten, fifteen years different, maybe I'd be asking questions but with this small of an age gap you're making a mountain out of a molehill. What's a few years? If you could only date people the same age as you Carolina would have to dump me because I was in the second grade when she was in kindergarten."

"Well it sounds stupid when you put it like that," I told him. "But we're not talking about two years, we're talking about six."

"Okay how about four? Or sometimes six, it doesn't matter," he said. "I've dated some of my siblings' friends. Some of them younger, some of them older. But you know what, so long as they were old enough to make their own decisions, I let them. Because it's not my job to make other people's choices. Age isn't a deal-breaker for me. Maturity is. And you're looking at someone who wants to save the world so they can feel closer to her parents. You're looking at someone who looks out for Wash and did when they were kids too. If you can see Wash as an adult, why can't you see her as one?"

"Should I be offended right now?" Wash asked from beside Tex.

"Nah, he's right," Tex told him and I could feel him pouting.

"I guess you're right," I sighed.

**"Get ready to drop,"** Carolina said over the radio from the cockpit.

The doors whooshed open a moment later and everyone released their frames. I stood on the edge of the ship's opening. I looked one last time at York and Tex, getting a singular nod from both before the three of us stepped off the edge, falling through the air at speed. Close to the last second York and I moved into a roll, finishing in a crouch. I looked over to Tex who was squatting in a large crater. She stood and walked past us, looking back and with a jerk of her head, we followed.

**"Remember, we don't have much time,"** Carolina said over the joint radio.

**"We don't need much time,"** Tex replied and led us toward the holding cells.

Washington POV

I watched York, North and Tex disappear out of the ship's view the size of ants as they ran across the ground. I looked back at Carolina, it would be our turn next. I wanted to be a part of this mission, anything to get Dee back but this didn't have anything to do with it. This was just some armour, we replace parts of our armour all the time. Why couldn't we just remote unlock her helmet with the password once we rescued her. Surely we should all be back there, helping her.

"You ready?" Carolina asked. I nodded, albeit a little nervously. "Good," she said and grabbed my chest plate as she stepped off the edge, yanking me with her. I let out a scream, freaking out for a minute before I calmed myself, remembering we needed to be quiet and not draw attention. If we did we weren't just putting ourselves at risk, we were jeopardising the rescue.

We hurried along the side of the building, grav-locking our boots to the side of the building, using them to walk up the side, eliminating the need to unlock any doors along the way. We just needed to get to the third floor, bust a single window and find the armour. It seemed easy, too easy. Something was going to go wrong, I could feel it.

"Doesn't matter how far technology goes, they still seal windows the same way," Carolina tutted, sticking the suction cups to the glass before anchoring them to the hooks she'd jammed into the wall above the window. She made a cut in the corner of the window seal and started peeling it away, and I did the same on my side. This was by far, the silliest break in ever, of all time. Nimble fingers under the now hanging pain of glass, Carolina pulled it back and we ducked under, slipping in the building.

We watched each other's backs as we made our way up the corridor, checking every room. While we were able to get the schematics of the building, we weren't sure which lab they were using to try and break Newbie's armour. Eventually we found a room with a large blue screen, running numbers rapidly. Beside the blue was a live feed of some dark room, people inside, no sound. I moved to step in when I felt Carolina's hand on my arm.

I looked back at her, she put a finger to where her lips would be under the helmet. She pointed to a spot barely in my sightline. I saw some legs and I assumed they were attached to a man. I nodded at her and she slipped in first, activating her camouflage enhancement and I lost her then. I knew she'd crept her way to the guy when I saw him jerk up and then start silently struggling before he went limp again and Carolina came back into view. She waved to me to come forward and I closed the door behind me.

I walked over to the centre of the room and spotted Newbie's helmet, unplugging the cable connecting it to the computer that was currently trying to hack in. I picked it up, tossing it up and catching it in my hands a few times before I looked around for the rest of her armour. Technically we could get away with just bringing this back, really this was what the Director wanted, but I wanted to try bring the rest. I spotted a case and opened it to find the rest of the pieces. I could hear the recovery beacon whining and I reached for the armour plate, turning it off finally. I dropped the helmet in the case with the rest of it and looked back to Carolina, why wasn't she helping me?

I saw her staring at the screen, unmoving. I raised a brow and followed her gaze. The live feed. I walked away from the case so I could see it better. Inside was an Insurrectionist soldier kneeling behind a person, a woman it looked like, but all I could see were legs. Oh god. We were watching the live feed of one of the detainees. Whoever was being interrogated clearly was not having a good time. The pieces began putting themselves together in my head. This was a live feed of an interrogation in the same room as a computer was trying to password break Newbie's helmet. A tech was ready and waiting to enter the password if the soldier was able to get it from the prisoner. That woman was her.

"Diana," I said and Carolina nodded. First movement she'd made since she'd seen the feed. I was also frozen in the moment, horrified at what I was seeing.

"The others are probably almost there," I said trying to assure her, and myself, Dee wouldn't be in trouble for long.

"Oh god you're right," Carolina realised.  **"Guys, one of them is in her cell with her right now, be careful when you get there."**

**"Got it,"** York replied.

"Oh god, he could kill her, couldn't he, when the others get there," I said and Carolina nodded.

"Are they backing this feed up, or is it just live?" she asked me and I shrugged. She moved from the feed, looking at the computer that was no longer running the hack. She started typing away and flicking through files. "There's hundreds of interrogation files on here."

"What?" I asked, prying myself away from the screen. I looked over her shoulder to thousands of hours of footage. "That's horrible."

"We've got to do something about this," Carolina told me, she plugged the cable running from the computer into her helmet. "Armour, execute system command. Command, upload current file to Mother of Invention Mains."

**"System command accepted, data file transfer initiating,"** FILSS replied and I looked at Carolina. Why was she transferring all the files to us? What could we do with them?

"The Insurrection can't get away with doing this," Carolina said. "We won't let them."

"You're tethered to the computer, what are we supposed to do now? Quick in and out, if we hang out here too long they're gonna find us as they'll kill Newbie and the others for sure," I said and Carolina nodded.

"I know, that's why I'm hoping the Mother of Invention's close range will speed things up a bit," she told me. "But if worst comes to the worst, I'll take off my helmet and we'll kick their asses. A quick firefight should be long enough to upload the files."

"Your confidence scares me a little bit," I told her and she chuckled.

Main POV

"Your time's up Princess," the soldier who'd done most of the torturing came into the room. I managed to lift my head, barely, to see him smirking as he strode across the room to me. He ran a finger across the line of my jaw, I flinched away from his touch. Even the lightest of pressure sent sharp waves of pain through me. My jaw was bruised and swollen on the surface, and inside my mouth it was angry and inflamed from all the missing teeth and infection. He chuckled at the flinch, grabbing onto my face, gripping it harder.

"At least your friends will be proud of you, huh? Lasting it out, not spilling a single character, not a word," he told me. "Unless there's anything you want to tell me?"

"No," I croaked.

"You see, the boss has given me the go ahead to write you off. You're done, dead. You wanna know why?" he asked me. I shook my head. I didn't care. "I'll tell you why. My job was to get you to tell me the password to that helmet of yours before the computer could crack it. And we've got three days maximum before it does. So you're time is up. Was it really worth it, a few weeks alive in exchange for pain and torment? Would it not have been easier to just give me the password and have never felt any of this? Princess, you silly girl. Over something as stupid as loyalty? Your friends didn't make it. They were never coming."

"Is that what you would do?" I asked, glaring up at him. "Would you sell out your friends, your people, everything you hold dear? Nothing you could do, nothing you did do, was enough to make me speak."

"To save myself weeks of torture? You're goddamn right I'd sell out the corrupt organisation that you work for," he told me. "Do you really not know what they're doing? Are you that naive? You're young Princess, but surely you're not that ignorant to what Project Freelancer has been doing. They're monsters."

"Forgive me if I don't take morality lessons from the man who just spent weeks torturing me for some fucking files," I coughed.

"What do you think is on those files, dummy," he said. "Proof of everything you've been up to until now. Why do you think they had you erase it from the computer you stole it from, why they tried to stop us from getting it."

"You're the bad guys, of course we weren't going to let it fall into your hands, why do you think I wiped the drive?" I asked.

"You really don't know, do you?" he asked. "I pity you, Princess. You're caught up in a war you don't even understand. And now you're going to die just a pawn."

"Could you hurry it up already? I've been hanging out in my underwear for weeks, just fucking end it already," I said. "Unless your plan was to talk me to death. God, this is worse than the teeth pulling. You should have done this to get the password."

"Last chance Princess, give it to me," he said. "I can't let you go, but I can make it painless."

"I can't tell you," I replied.

"Are you sure?" he asked and I nodded. "Alright. Do yourself a favour, when he comes in, don't fight. You think I'm bad, this guy's a psycho."

"You're not going to do it?" I asked and he shook his head.

"Boss prefers it if I keep my hands kind of clean," he shrugged. "Separate people for separate jobs. I get the information someone else gets rid of you when it's over."

"Then how exactly were you planning on making it painless?" I asked.

"Little accident, a boo boo, mistake made after weeks on the same job," he shrugged. "Maybe I got tired, slipped up, dug the knife too deep, held your throat too tight. One snap of the neck, it'd be over."

"The only reward you could offer," I nodded. "No thanks. I'll take my chances with the other psycho. You might have made me cry but the fight's not over till I close my eyes."

"You truly are ignorant," he told me. It was a little off-putting, having the white guy being the one calling  _ me  _ ignorant, but I suppose it'll be the thought that amuses me while I get murdered. Something about knowing it's finally over was giving me a little spring back in my step. A second wind almost. I'm kind of glad he told me that, I wasn't sure how much longer I could keep up the fighting for. I might have told him, three days was a long time.

North Dakota POV

"Tex," York said as we ran up the side of the cells, looking for the right place to put the charges, now we knew someone was in there with Newbie.

"What?" she replied, continuing to run.

"What did you mean, when you said Dee wasn't one agent?" he asked and she growled at him.

"You wanna get into this now?" she demanded.

"I didn't think you'd wanna talk about it when anyone else was around to hear, perhaps a certain teal coloured rival," he replied. "If this was me or Wash, you wouldn't be so determined for this rescue, would you? What does it being Diana mean?"

"I don't know," she yelled back, pausing by the corner of the building, leaning out to check for hostiles.

"I think you do," he said.

"She's familiar to me," Tex sighed. "I don't know exactly who she is or why I feel this way. I looked into her when we first met her, she's familiar. I think I knew her dad, maybe. His name is familiar too. And the Director, there's something there. He knew who she was in a lot more detail than the files he had when she applied. I don't know why he doesn't like her so much, and I don't know how I know her. But I  _ do _ know her. She's important,  _ somehow. _ "

"Alright," York nodded, ducking around the corner first.

I had noticed that too, but I probably would have picked a better time to confront her about it. I did wonder why, Tex, who didn't really get along with any of the team, besides a few civil conversations between her and York, adored Newbie so much. Sure they fought the first time they met, but since then she was always around, if only in the background. She was around to congratulate her when she got in, and to pat her on the back when her skills in training got her number 8 on the leaderboard. She was there for pep talks and was generally very mothering. It was almost like an invasion of the body snatchers when Tex and Newbie were in the same room.

"North, you coming?" Tex yelled and I looked up to see her poking her head back around the corner she'd followed York around.

"Shit, yeah," I snapped out of it, following behind them.

Main POV

I heard the door open again and I looked up to a different Insurrectionist stalking into the room. He gestured to the guards and they headed for the door, leaving immediately. That was good news, I stood a better chance against one opponent. Even if I was in my underwear and hadn't had a good night's sleep in weeks. I could do this. Maybe my friends couldn't find me, if I could just get out, I could contact them and they'd rescue me. This wasn't over. This was my second wind.

"So," I said. "How come you don't get the fun part of the job? Weak stomach?"

"Cheeky little thing, aren't you?" he chuckled darkly, coming over to me and curling a lock of hair around his finger. "You wanna know why I don't get to play with you before the end?" I shrugged, nodding. I had time. "Because you're right, it is fun."

"You like it so you don't get to do it?" I raised an eyebrow.

"I'm too intense," he replied. "To be able take this much and still have so much fight left in you, you must have such a strong constitution. I'll bet you were raised very well, in a loving home. It's delicious, being able to understand what makes a person tick. To be able to draw blood in the right way, break you down until you bend exactly to my will. To answer your question, my little playmate, I don't get to do it, because when I get what the boss wants, I don't stop. I lose myself in all the fun."

"Well, I can see you picked the right career," I replied. "You what I don't get, if you like torture this much, why not just be a high school teacher?"

"Funny, oh so funny," he told me. "I watched the live feed, I know everything about you, how you work. What you responded to best... I know exactly what to do with you. How to break you."

"You're supposed to kill me," I replied.  _ What live feed? _

"And in time, I will," he assured me. "But you know what, I am missing out on the fun. I was very jealous when I saw your little friend getting to... touch you," he said tracing a finger over a dried blood track across my abdomen. "To feel you fight as teeth were being pulled, even though there was nothing you could do. To watch you  _ choke  _ when he came in every day and stuffed his cock down your throat. So now it's my turn."

"You can fuck my cold dead corpse, but I'll never let you get off on torturing me," I replied. "You'd better kill me now before I have the chance to get free, and believe me I'm working on it."

"You still think your friends are coming, don't you?" he chuckled. He walked away for a moment, lowing the chains holding me to the ceiling down so I was kneeling on the ground. "Such a shame, pretty girl, very little brains."

"Fuck off," I spat, blood was still coming out, even though it had been a few days since the last pulling.

He made his way back over, unzipping his trousers. If he even tried to put his cock in my mouth I'd bite it off this time for sure. I was getting less and less overwhelmed each time the other guy tried it, I wasn't letting this new guy get away with it. He grabbed my jaw roughly, using his fingers to apply pressure to the inflamed, toothless gums through my cheeks. I let out a scream, unable to contain it. He hissed as I did, tears running down my cheeks. I looked up at him and he was fisting his cock. Was he getting off on this? He really was messed up. I was glad he never got the chance to torture me before. I probably would have given up the info. I bore my teeth, ready to bite down the moment he came near. I didn't have many in the back left, but that didn't matter. I had the important ones still hanging out in the front.

"Uh uh," he tutted at me. "You think I'll put it in there?"

He used the hand he still had around my mouth to throw me forward toward the ground. Oh shit, this was serious. This was bad. I screamed out desperately. That second wind was definitely gone now. Oh shit. York, Wash where are you? Fuck, Tex would have me out of here in no time. I cried out before he even had hold of me. It was one thing, to have that other guy repeatedly fuck my throat. I could get over that. It was gross and I'd probably never give anyone head but I'd be okay. This was too much, I couldn't let him do this. I wouldn't come back from this.

"No," I cried out. "Don't!"

"I know you offered up your dead body, but corpses just don't have the same supple flesh of the living," he said, giving my ass cheek a spank. "That'll teach you to be less cheeky, perhaps in the next life you'll know better."

I screamed out as loudly as I could, please god, send help. I don't care if it's South. Don't do this to me. If my dad is watching over me in any way, don't let this happen. Where's a guardian angel when you need them?

My knees were being scraped against the concrete, the old scabs from previous times on my knees being torn off, the scent of fresh blood filling the room. I was surprised I could still smell it in the room, it was so thick in the air. My arms shook in front of me, I was so tired from this, all this time, I couldn't keep myself upright anymore. I dropped to the ground, face hitting the rough surface. I could feel my chest and my cheeks being scraped against the ground with the vigorous movement. I let out scream after scream and still no one came. But why would they? My friends weren't coming. There was no way the Director would risk anything for one agent, especially if that agent was me.

I let out a sob, they really weren't coming. This was for nothing, this really was all for nothing. I should have just told the other guy what he wanted. He promised he'd make the pain stop, if I just told him. He warned me, don't fight this guy, and still I taunted him. This was my fault. If I'd just done a better job at that mission I wouldn't even be here.

Eventually, I didn't have any tears left to cry. The sobbing, the screaming, it stopped. I didn't have anything left. I relaxed into the floor, letting it all happen. Once this was over, he'd kill me. The fight was gone, and that's what he wanted, right? To snuff out my spark? Well, here it was, laying on the floor. I felt numb. It would be over soon. I focused on a brick in the wall, memorising every crack, every visible bit of grit.

I felt him pull out, sliding my panties back over from the side and giving my ass a little pat before he pushed himself up off the ground. I lay still, hoping wherever he was going, it was to get something to kill me with. It would all be over soon. I could hear footsteps by the door, where was he going? Come back! Kill me, you have to kill me! It's literally your job! I let go. My friends weren't coming and I wasn't going to die. This guy would come back for round two and I'd only get more pain. I closed my eyes, blinking slowly and sending my mind into a dark fog.

North Dakota POV

"You sure that's enough?" I asked York who nodded once.

I did not believe him in the slightest, but he was the best we had for this kind of thing. We really needed to get someone on our team who understood explosives. Tex and I cleared the area and once York was finished sticking the plastic explosive to the wall, he jogged down to meet us. He pulled out a remote, flicking off the safety and pressing his thumb down hard on the button. The charge on the wall beeped three times before blowing chunks of brick and debris over us in a cloud of dust.

"No one told me it was double thick," York said and I looked up and sighed. He'd blown a single layer.

"Did you use all the C4?" I asked. He nodded once. "YORK!"

"Don't worry, I got this," he told me.

"You better," Tex said.

He pulled a plasma grenade from his side, pulling the pin and throwing it towards the same place he'd put the C4. It stuck to the wall and after a few seconds, there was another wave of brick and dust. Once it settled I saw a decent sized hole in the side of the building. Tex was already up and running for it and we were a few seconds behind. She leapt through the hole and I was next, York coming in last, almost crashing into my back. I'd stopped dead. Tex was crouching on the floor next to a motionless woman.

She was blonde, almost naked and covered in blood. I knew who it was, but everything inside me fought the belief. This was not her. It couldn't be. But it had to be. I'd seen that matching sheer white bra and pantie set with the blue embroidered butterflies before, they'd been hanging in her locker one day when she was taking off her her sportswear after training. We'd found out from Carolina which cell she was in. This was her, but I didn't want it to be. This woman, she was too cut up, too broken. She was torn to pieces. They couldn't do that to her. This wasn't her.

Tex had crushed the shackles that had bound the woman's wrists and was currently checking her pulse. York was peeking out the hole in the wall, looking for hostiles rushing this was from the sound of the very large explosion we'd just caused.

"She's alive," Tex assured me, before pushing up off the ground and cocking her pistol. Before I had a chance to question the door burst open and a soldier dropped dead on the ground. I didn't even hear her take the shot. I saw her click the safety back on and attach her pistol to her thigh and reach down to scoop Newbie up off the ground.

"North, what are you doing, snap out of it," Tex scolded. "Put your game face on, we're not out of the woods yet."

"Sorry," I shook my head. She was right. It might have been a shock to see her like this, but Newbie needed me. And I wouldn't be much help to her if I was just standing around staring at things.

"It's okay baby, I'm here now, I got you," Tex soothed. "I'm here, we're getting you out."

"Give her to me," I put my arms forward, ready for the transfer.

"What? Why?" Tex demanded.

"Yeah, what's it matter?" York agreed from his vantage point.

"You said it yourself, I'm pretty much useless right now, if we're going to have to fight our way out of here, you need to be the one to do it," I explained. "I'll carry her, I'll run with her. You two cover us."

"Alright," Tex agreed and hoisted her over. "You be careful with her."

"I know," I replied. "You don't have to tell me."

Washington POV

"You know, that ran way too smoothly," I said as Carolina sat down in seats in the back of the ship. She turned to look at me, I assumed there was a glare behind her visor.

"Don't jinx us, the others still aren't back yet," she told me. I nodded.

There was a clattering and I looked up, York was laying face down on the floor of the drop ship and scrambling his way up. Carolina walked over to give him a hand up just as North jogged in, carrying a bloody and limp woman. There was the sound of gunfire in the distance before it got closer and then stopped all together. That sounded like Tex.

"Told you not to jinx us," Carolina said as we waited for the last person in our group.

"We caught up with some old friends on our way out," York explained. "I went with North to get Newbie out and Tex drew their fire. She won't be long."

"Sorry," I heard and looked behind York. Tex was standing there, dark red liquid dripping off her armour. "Diana didn't enjoy her stay here, I was filing a complaint."

"I'd hate to be that clerk," I muttered and she laughed.

"Come on 479r, we're good to go," Tex yelled. "Let's get out of here while we still can."

There was a lot of turbulence throughout the flight. The ship rumbled and creaked and we had to suddenly drop altitude several times to escape very angry ships that had spotted us in their airspace. I watched Diana during all of this, not once did she stir. Not a single complaint, mumble or groan. I frowned. She hadn't said a word since she'd been carried onboard. Which only made me feel worse knowing what Carolina and I had seen on the live feed.

"How much of that blood do you think is fresh?" I asked.

"Does it matter?" Carolina asked. I nodded.

"Stuff around her mouth is new," Tex answered. "And the stuff running down her thighs and on her knees. Everything else is at least a day old by my guess. You wanna know if she's had 13, don't you?"

"I just.. I suppose knowing won't help any, she's still been tortured. Torture is torture, but I wanna be able to help her," I answered.

"I don't think any of us are going to be able," Tex replied. "That dead look in her eye, the way we found her laying when we got her, she's going to have to pull herself out if she can. And it's going to take a lot of time."

"How'd you find her?" I asked.

"It's probably best we let her tell us," Tex said and I frowned. So she knew too. I looked at Carolina who had elected not to sit in the cockpit with the pilot.

Tex walked off the ship as soon as it landed, not uttering a single word as she did. York went with Carolina to take the Director the case we'd recovered with Dee's armour and North and I ran beside the gurney the medical team had brought and haphazardly dumped her on once we'd opened the doors. Once we got to the medbay we were restricted to where we could go. Our armour had to have decontamination showers and once we were through that we were only allowed in the observation room.

The various surgeries took hours. There was the initial bullet wound that needed attending, plus her body was littered with various scars and marks. I'd seen how bloody her knees were when they'd placed her on the gurney, I was surprised they didn't need stitched shut at first until I saw them prepared skin grafts. North had his helmet off, head in his hands, barely keeping it together. I was in too much shock to really be able to process how horrific everything that was going on was. I think I'd been in shock since I first laid eyes on the live feed.

Main POV

I blinked awake. I had finally lost it. That had to be it. I looked around with my eyes, too scared to move my stiff neck. The ceiling above me was beige and there was harsh fluorescents illuminating it. The walls around me were also beige instead of the dingy brick walls I'd been surrounded by every other time I'd woken up. The room felt warm, I felt warm, I wasn't shivering. My skin didn't sting or feel grimy. I blinked. Was this a dream?

"Hey," I heard beside me and jumped at the sound. "Easy baby, it's just me..."

I looked up and couldn't clearly see the face hovering above me. There was a blurry peach face surrounded by a net of gold. Blue eyes stared down at me. She looked familiar, I was comfortable and not scared. I knew her, she looked after me.

"Mom," I murmured. I nodded to myself. I was okay, I was safe. I closed my eyes again, I was tired.

* * *

I felt sick. I didn't know why, but I was sure of one thing. I was going to be sick. I threw myself up from the position I'd been laying in. I desperately looked around, somewhere in the background there was an erratic and loud beeping noise but I was too busy to find out what it was.

"I'm gonna be.." I started and made a gagging noise, holding my mouth shut as I fought the urge.

There was a mint green kidney bowl thrust under my face and I let loose. My abdomen ached as I chundered into the shallow bowl. I wasn't sure I had anything to hurl but I couldn't stop. I shook as I threw up everything I had. I could feel tears pricking at the sides of my eyes. I think there was someone here, how else would I have gotten the bowl, but I could barely pay any attention to anything other than hurling.

I managed to settle my stomach down but couldn't stop the shivering. Suddenly I was freezing and I tried to pull the blankets around me higher. Where the hell was I? Why was I so cold?

_ I came to again, hanging by my bound wrists still dripping wet from the dousing. At least now I wasn't covered in my own blood. The grimy, goss feeling of the sweat and the dust was gone. But instead I was shivering. I was freezing. I was hanging in nothing but my underwear as I dripped. I lifted my stiff neck, pulling soaking wet hair away a little so I could see. Just as I did the door burst open again. Him. He smirked at me and I shook more. Please god no more. My throat still ached from before the dousing. He had the same swagger to his hips as he did every time he was about to do this.  _

"Please don't," I whimpered.

_ He chuckled as he came closer, gesturing to the guards to lower me. My wet skin immediately coating itself with the dust on the floor, covering my knees with mud. I tried to crawl away. No more. I could take the cuts, the burns, even the punches. I could take the verbal quips. Not this. He gripped my hair and I cried out. As soon as I did his cock was in my throat.  _

"I can't breath," I managed.

"Calm down old chap."

I barely registered the voice beside me. I felt a hand on my back and screamed. I threw myself up out of the bed I was laying in, I felt wires and cables being pulled, something being ripped from the inside of my arm. I hit the cold floor in my bare feet and started running as fast as I could. I could hear the sound of a siren whirring overhead but I ignored it. I had to get out of here. Wherever here was.

Someone reached out for me as I ran and I screamed. No. I was getting out of here. I was getting out of her. I had to get out of here. I'd been through enough, I'm not staying. I need to get out.

"Newbie!" I heard what sounded like North yell for me. I'd been here too long, I was hallucinating. I was imagining him.

"NO!" I screamed as someone tackled me to the ground. I writhed and thrashed around on the ground, screaming bloody murder. Arms held my head steady and I bit at them, ignoring the aching sensation in my mouth. I suddenly felt very drowsy, every part of my body went limp.

"No," I whimpered.

* * *

I blinked. The beige ceiling was back. Had I just snapped? Had I fully gone into the deep end and the torture was so bad I was imagining I was back at the Mother of Invention? I let out a whine. This wasn't fair. I rolled to my side, so I wouldn't have to see the fake beige ceiling anymore. I saw York sitting in the chair beside me wearing sweats and an orange Grif ball shirt. He noticed me staring at him and he smiled cheerily. I glared at him and he was taken aback for a second. I  _ had  _ snapped.

"Hey you," he greeted. I glared harder.

"Go away," I demanded. He raised an eyebrow.

"Newbie.."

"Leave," I cut him off.

"What, why?" he asked, looking hurt. I ignored it. This wasn't the real York. I wasn't causing the real York any pain.

"I know you're not real, so don't even try it," I told him. "You're not the real York. I don't know if I've just finally snapped or if this is some bullshit attempt to get me to tell you what I set the password to but either way, I'm not fucking giving it up. You're just gonna have to kill me. So fuck off."

"Newbs, it is me, it's really York," he argued. "You got out, don't you remember? North and Tex came with me. We carried you out of there."

"And how do I know I didn't just imagine that too?" I said. "The thing is I don't. So you can forget it. Sit there with that dumb look on your face, try your best to copy his mannerisms. I don't know, maybe I'm still inside my head and you're just asking the questions but York isn't here. Because I'm not really here. I'm in a dark, musty cell that's too humid and smells like my own blood. I don't care how beige you make the roof look, I'm not here with my York."

"Sweetie," he sighed and pushed himself up out of the chair. He leaned over my bedside and held his position for a moment, I heard the sound of a siren whirring overhead and then someone came rushing in. He walked out of the room with them as I glared angrily out of the doorway. I wanted to know what they were saying, what were they up to? But I was pretty tired. Cold and pretty tired. I pulled my blankets further up my chest, tucking my arms under it and glared up over the fabric. I blinked slowly. Very tired. Very suspicious.

Washington POV

"What do you mean she said you weren't real?" I heard Tex demand as I headed up the corridor, on my way to visit Newbie again. I didn't know how I managed it but somehow every time I'd visited she'd been out cold. I'd heard she'd caused some trouble recently, including punching and biting Wyoming and calling Tex mom.

"Guys, what happened?" I asked when I reached them. Tex had dark rings under her yes, looking like she hadn't had any sleep for a while. She looked overcome with worry. York had a 5 o'clock shadow and some pretty dark circles himself.

"She woke up and told me to leave," he told us. "Then she told me she wasn't giving me the password. She couldn't seem to decide if she'd imagined me or if they were using some kind of technique to make her believe she was with me to get her to give up the password but she was sure she wanted me to go."

"She must have been shut down when we got there," Tex realised. "Something happened and she couldn't cope so she shut down. And because of that, she doesn't remember being rescued."

"I know what happened," I looked down. "You know too, Tex. You're right about where the blood came from. There was a live feed from her cell into the room Carolina and I infiltrated while we were trying to recover her armour. We saw..."

"I get it," York replied. "But was that before or after she shutdown."

"Does it matter?" I asked.

"Of course it does," he replied. "If we know what triggered it we can help her through it."

"How's North?" Tex asked. York frowned.

"He's not taking this well, he's still blaming himself," York said. I nodded. I felt pretty bad too, if I'd have just been better when Carolina told me to get to Newbie, I could have stopped them from taking her.

"Hey.." Tex said to us. "Maybe don't tell anyone what's going on with Dee right now. I have a bad feeling what the Counsellor might do if he sees what kind of a state she's in. And definitely don't let the Director find out."

"Got it," I agreed. Both men gave me the willies anyway.

* * *

Main POV

I'd never actually been in the Counsellor's office before. I felt a little bit silly being afraid of the man before, now that I was sitting in a brightly coloured bean bag. I held a soft pillow in my lap with a blanket over my knees. He was keeping me waiting on purpose, I expect, to see how I'd react to alone time in this strange place. Either that or he was putting on body armour in case I threw another one of my famous fits.

"I'm sorry to keep you waiting, Agent New Hampshire," the counsellor said when he finally made his way over to his own chair.

"No you're not, you were testing me," I replied. He gave me a look. "Sorry, would it make you feel more in control if I played along?"

"Are you comfortable?" he asked and I shrugged.

"As much as I can be, you have very strange taste," I told him. "I almost preferred my dank cell."

"So you have moved on from grief to using humour as a defence mechanism?" he asked and I frowned. "How are you feeling?"

"Better now I can stop wearing the finger guards, but I'm assuming you meant emotionally," I said and he gave me the same pointed look. "Better," I replied with a sigh. "But I am glad you had me meet here. The same four walls and a ceiling all day every day gets a little old. I might not be getting tortured in this one, but it's like I've traded one cell for another."

"You feel trapped in the med-bay," he said. "It's important for your recovery that you stay in a germ free environment while your wounds heal. And now that you're mostly there, it's also important you can be.."

"You want eyes on me 24/7 so I don't kill myself, yeah I got that," I cut him off. "Look, I don't know what I have to say to convince you but I'm not going to shoot myself out an airlock the minute someone turns their back."

"I imagine the medical staff's concerns stem from your repeated begging for them to just kill you," he replied. "What would make you do such a thing?"

"I wasn't begging Project Freelancer's medical staff," I answered simply. "I was having flashbacks. I always told them I'd never give this place up. Nor the password. Torturing me was a waste of time because I'd never give up the password. I started wishing for them to just kill me after the first few rounds of water dousing."

"So you do not actively wish to die?" he asked and I shook my head in a no.

"I might if you rip out any more of my teeth," I replied. "But until such point, no. This war isn't over, I'm not done here."

"I see," he said. "Are you sleeping?"

"A reasonable amount in my opinion," I replied.

"But not the medical staff's," he responded.

"I know part of the reason I'm not sleeping a solid 8 is down to the trauma, but there's also a large part of it that's the lack of energy exerted. My day consists of waking up, going to the bathroom, showering and hanging out in bed all day with the occasional visitor," I said. "I used to train every day, I exercised. I'd run drills. Now I do nothing. Of course I'm not sleeping. My body doesn't need sleep, I'm not making it do anything."

"Let's talk about the trauma portion," he said.

"Let's not," I said with a frown.

"You might find talking about your experiences helpful," he said.

"I might," I agreed. "If it was with someone I trusted."

"Are you saying you do not trust me?" he asked. "I am the ship's counsellor."

"Don't take it personally, I've never trusted you even before this," I replied. "I don't understand, you have the video files Carolina and Wash managed to seize from their base. If you want to know what happened, why not just watch them?"

"I already have," he told me. "But what I'm interested in is how it has affected you."

"Well it's probably safe to assume not positively," I bit. "I was held over enemy lines and tortured for weeks and the only reason I got rescued was because no one could figure out the password I set remotely."

"What did those sixteen characters mean?" he asked me. "Did you set them randomly?"

"43, 33, 32, 50, 34, 47, 19, 29 leaderboard with their corresponding alphabetical number," I shrugged. "They don't know our leaderboard and it changes all the time so why would they be able to guess it unless they sat there and ran every single number combination until they got it. Texas is the 43rd state if you organize them by alphabet."

"I see," he said. "Very resourceful on the verge of unconsciousness. Are you upset in the circumstances in which you were rescued?"

"I know my friends would have done everything in their power," I said. "And I went into it being okay to die to keep them safe. I'm a soldier, eventually, dying is part of the job. I could never be upset with them."

"Are you implying you're upset with the Director?" he asked.

"What would be the point?" I replied. "I am but one agent of a possible 50. Why would my feelings matter?"

"How are you feeling now?" he asked.

"Prolonged use of this beanbag has made my ass numb," I told him.

"I think that's enough for today," he told me. "Why don't we schedule another session?"

"Whatever you say," I sighed, pushing myself up. "Send for me when you want an audience oh great one."

* * *

I stared up at the ceiling. I was bored. I supposed if I could feel bored instead of just curling up and sobbing that meant I was getting better. I remembered a trick I'd learned in basic that lets you fall asleep anywhere at any time in 2 minutes. I relaxed all my muscles in my face and then dropped my shoulders low. I exhaled deeply and then started relaxing the muscles from my abdomen down in order of chest to toes. Now for the tricky part. The canoe or the hammock?

I pictured myself laying in a black velvet hammock, feeling the soft fabric against my skin and I kept my breathing steady. I was in a dark room with no source of light. It was oddly calming. I felt myself slipping, my eyes felt strained even though they were closed. I was being pulled closer and closer to sleep. And then I was in an unconscious darkness rather than the one I had constructed for myself.

I blinked. I looked up the the beige ceiling again. Turning to my left I spied the clock. I'd gotten another 4 hours. Imagine being so bored you had to sleep. I moved back to looking at the ceiling.

"Hey," I heard someone croak and I didn't need to look to know who it was. He wasn't supposed to be in here. I didn't want him here. I'd been refusing to see him. I frowned as I looked into the beige. I didn't want to be doing this, not really. Every time he snuck in and I threw him out was like kicking a puppy but I couldn't cope with seeing him right now. It wasn't so bad, now I'd stopped uncontrollably crying. Which was a good thing too because my cheeks were burning from the salt.

"Are you ignoring me?" he asked.

"What are you doing here?" I asked, sitting up with a sigh. I made eye contact with him. This was probably the first time I'd looked at him since I'd come back. He was unshaven to the point of an Abe Lincoln beard had grown on his face and he was wearing creased civvies that smelled like they were probably at least a couple of days old.

"I don't care what you say anymore," he told me. "I'm done letting you push me away. I'm here for you. Always. Even when you don't want me here."

"You don't get it do you? I don't want you hear because it hurts to fucking look at you," I told him. He looked like a wounded animal crying to be put down.

"Are you really that angry with me? Do you blame me? I understand why, I can't even look at myself right now," he told me. "I feel so guilty, knowing if I had have just listened to you outside that damn building you wouldn't have been in there alone. If I hadn't have pushed for you so hard to be put on that damn mission, I thought I was helping you! But all I've done is put you in harm's way. Fuck, I never wanted any of this. Look at you, all this is my fault. I couldn't even manage to rescue you in time. If you hate me, I understand, but please don't send me away." His head was in his hands, he was choking on his words. I could see he was crying. I felt the corners of my eyes stinging.

"I don't hate you," I told him. "I'm not angry with you and I don't blame you. None of this was your fault."

"You don't hate me?" he said, looking up at me with tears in his eyes. "I fucking hate me. You should have just let them kill me, instead of taking that hit, let them give me a headshot. Fuck. You don't understand, I spent so long trying to fucking protect you and I put you out there and this fucking happened."

"Trying to protect me?" I recoiled.

"Yes, this isn't how I wanted this to come out," he said. "But I really like you. Fuck I think I might be in love with you. I have been since you got into the Project, since our New Year's kiss. And I've been staying away from you because I thought I was too old for you. And then when you got taken I thought it was my fault, it is my fault and I can't believe I let this happen."

"You've been in love with me since then? The night you toyed with my heart and then made me feel like a fucking child because you changed your mind about a drunken hookup? Because you have some strange archaic views of protecting the young and innocent?" I snapped at him. I had no idea where this was coming from. "You might feel guilty over this prisoner thing and I understand that, it's not your fault and you need to come to terms with it. But you have no fucking right to come in here while  _ I'm _ like this, yes  _ me _ , while I'm grieving and struggling and trying to figure it all out, because I was the one who was tortured,  _ me _ . You have no right to come in here and decide you're in love with me because of it."

"That's not..." he tried before I screamed at him.

"Just fucking get out!"

I threw my head on my knees and started sobbing, unable to hold the tears in any longer. I thought the crying part was over. I shook with the anguish, I wanted him, I wanted him to tell me he loved me, but not like this. Not this stupid fucked up conflicted feelings bullshit that it was. Not when it was a manifestation of his grief and guilt. Not when he brought up that night and so too did the way I'd felt come back. I went back to Tex's room that night, asked if I could stay and curled up on her bed, sobbing into her lap. While I'd had fun at the party after she'd walked me back I couldn't stop thinking about how he'd made me feel. And I can't forget now, the nights I spend staying up wondering why I wasn't good enough, why he wouldn't see me as the adult I was.

"Hey," I heard and looked up to see Wash standing there with an awkward look and a wave.

"He told me he loves me," I said. He raised a brow.

"The Counsellor?" he asked. "Because that's who you went to see when I left you last time."

"North snuck in again," I wiped the tears away. "And he dropped a fucking bombshell on me and I threw him out."

"Slow down," Wash said, sitting down on the chair beside my bed. "What'd he say?"

And I lay back down into the pillows and recounted everything for him. Including how I'd felt when North had rejected me and told me not to take it as a rejection. I told him I didn't know how to feel because before all this I had had a massive crush on him but he kept pushing me away. I told him how I didn't know what to do with it now if it wasn't some weird reaction to what had happened to me because it did happen. And I could barely function as a human being right now.

"I think you did the right thing," he told me. "Maybe not in the best way but, I think we can give you some leeway here. You've told him how you feel, you still like him even though you're traumatised. You've said you're not coping well because of what's happened and you've said it's not acceptable for him to come in and tell you all this while you're struggling. You did good. I don't know what to do next, because I don't know what he's going to do next and even if I did, this is not a situation I've had to deal with before but, we got this."

"We?" I asked.

"Well yeah, we're best friends. Mis problemas son tus problemas," he said and I raised a brow.

"Thats.. what did you mean to say?" I asked.

"Your problems are my problems," he said awkwardly. "That was wrong wasn't it?"

"Yes," I nodded. "Please never try to speak Spanish to me again."

  
  



End file.
